A lack of “worthiness” first showed up for me in relationships.
I knew I was a powerhouse at work, I always earned enough money, and I never had much doubt about my attractiveness or body, but show me a couple who was blissfully happy or a woman perfectly met by her partner and my deepest unconscious gut reaction was: “That’s for her. Something for other people. There’s no way that’s going to happen for me.”
Your own self-worth challenges can be sneaky and severely limiting.
They are to blame when there’s something you really want but you’re just not getting it.
For me, it was a loving relationship. For you it could be a promotion at work, owning your own business, landing public speaking opportunities, having a larger and more supportive friend group, living in your dream city, or having the opportunity to travel the world.
It can be difficult to discover and uproot the origin of your limiting beliefs about self-worth. But the good news is, it’s not necessary to figure out where they’ve come from. You don’t need to know what parent’s voice is still masquerading as your own, or what ancient part of you isn’t on board with the change you need to make to achieve your dreams.
As a spiritual life coach working on this topic for the last six years, here are the 3 best ways I know to help you work through any self-worth challenge and finally achieve a dream you’ve been unconsciously holding back on.
Step 1: Make What’s Unconscious, Conscious
Real freedom and personal power come from unearthing the conditioning and automatic programs that are subconsciously running your life and creating more choices where there wasn’t a choice before.
This approach prevents you from overriding what’s authentic to you and pushing towards a new outcome that you don’t actually believe in!
By working at a deeper layer of your being, you dissolve the resistance through practical healing methods.
If you’re having a self-worth challenge it’s because your internal self-talk is supporting the belief system that keeps what you really want away from you.
This is not something that you can shift overnight. But what you can do, starting this moment, is to commit to monitoring your internal dialogue.
Literally, have a notebook or spreadsheet where you write down what you’re telling yourself in your daily life. Especially when you’re feeling not good enough to try something or feeling inferior in a particular situation.
What exactly are you saying to yourself?
Don’t try to change it right now, just bring a high degree of awareness to it by translating it into the written word.
Practice this for five days.
Step 2: Befriend Your Demons
After step 1, you will likely find out that your inner dialogue has this aspect to it:
Voice #1: “Who am I to try that or do that? No one will listen to me or take me seriously.” Or, “I just don’t know enough yet.”
Voice #2: “Oh stop it already! You’re fine! Let’s just do it, doubting yourself like this isn’t helpful at all. You’re holding me back. I’m totally worthy and good enough.”
What’s probably going on is this suppression of the part of you that doesn’t feel worthy or confident enough.
You’re basically beating yourself up about beating yourself up.
Now, for the next five days, sit in meditation and call forth your version of Voice #1 for at least 5 minutes per day.
What does this part of you need? What is it scared of? How does it feel? Sad, angry, frustrated?
And instead of meeting it with the mind and telling it how unproductive, stupid, or untrue it is, practice meeting it with a soft heart of loving presence and understanding.
Say to yourself: “It’s okay, I can understand why you feel that way. I love you anyway.”
Feel this voice, see where it lives in your body, and stay with it until you feel something shift — perhaps a sigh of relief or a physical tension releases.
The part of you that’s resistant and doubtful and unworthy simply hasn’t received much love in the past. Once you offer it love and take the time to see it (without trying to fix it), you’ll witness it transform.
Step 3: Take the 1% Challenge
Most of us feel a lack of confidence or unworthiness in some way because we essentially hold a belief that we aren’t good enough in some way.
A belief that if you do the thing you want or have the thing you want, you’ll be exposed. You’ll be found out, and everyone will know you’re actually bad and ugly and stupid, and you’ll feel ashamed and rejected!
That might sound extreme, but that’s the basic truth behind you playing small and hitting this block in your life.
Accepting this presents a beautiful opportunity for expansion and healing.
The key to sustainable growth and healing in this area is to take courageous action and reveal 1% more of yourself every day.
Stick your baby toe outside of your comfort zone:
- Look at an attractive person and hold eye contact for a second longer than you normally would.
- Half-smile at a stranger on the street.
- Meditate for two minutes.
- Raise your hand at the meeting.
- Speak a tiny bit louder.
- Post a picture you’re a little nervous about sharing.
As you take these baby steps and reveal yourself just 1% more, you’ll start to get the feedback that you’re not being rejected, you’re not fundamentally bad, you’re not gross or weird or incompetent.
You’ll actually give yourself one of the most profoundly healing experiences of all time: the opportunity to surprise yourself.
When you speak up and say something that people really resonate with, when you get a smile back, when you get likes on the picture — when you’re seen and nothing traumatic happens — then your belief system shifts from the core.
Instead of journaling at home by yourself or speaking positive affirmations while you still cower away from the world, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to take action, receive new feedback, and create new beliefs.
This creates sustainable life change.
Look at your ego
All of that being said, there is one more very important step. Something you’re perhaps unlikely to have expected me to say and will require you to give yourself one rather profound, but loving, kick in the butt.
You need to look at your ego.
Because, ironically enough, when you believe you’re not good enough or you’re not worthy of something, your desire is ego.
Not the ego where you think you’re better than others, but the spiritual ego that makes yourself separate from others.
Why should other people have beautiful relationships but not you? Why can other people run a business but you somehow can’t? How come other people can have jobs that are truly satisfying but you can’t? How could any aspect of the human experience not also be for you?
Who do you think you are? What makes you so darn different?
Here’s a loving wake-up call: You’re not special.
You’re just as special as everyone else. You have different gifts in the same quantities as everyone else. You have the power to be resourceful and achieve whatever you dream of — that’s why you have your dreams!
Dreams are divine impulses, and it’s a rejection of life itself not to follow them.
The Choice is Yours
From today forward, don’t try to make yourself special, even if your unconscious way of doing it is to pull yourself apart from the rest of humanity and say, “I can’t have that or do that or be that because I’m not good enough.”
That’s a way of separating yourself from the rest of us and it’s not cool.
We’re made of the same stuff, you and I. If I can do it, so can you. If she can have it, so can you. And if he can figure it out against all odds, so can you.
Please accept the fullness of your divine assignment, speak lovingly to the parts of you that are scared and doubtful, and be seen 1% more every day so you authentically increase the power you need to achieve your dreams.