How to spot toxic femininity—and heal from it

Toxic femininity. Hear the word, and it’s likely “diva,” “mean girl,” or “Karen” flashes through your mind.

While yes, they’re all symptoms of the same wound, there’s more to this trait than meets the eye.

Surely in the name of feminism, women were meant to be free, loud, unapologetic, and in control. Somewhere between empowerment and expectation, something curdled. 

It’s the shadow side of the feminine you were never taught to face. And now, it’s asking to be healed.

What is toxic femininity?

Hear the word “toxic,” and chances are, you think of something poisonous or harmful. But when you look up the “toxic femininity” meaning, what you’ll often find is that it describes how your feminine side has been shaped and strained by years of conditioning.

You learn to be endlessly selfless, agreeable, and accommodating. Kindness turns into compliance, empathy becomes overgiving, and grace slips into silence.

The truth is, even the term “toxic femininity” sparks debate. In her paper on the subject, Hannah McCann, a senior lecturer in cultural studies at the University of Melbourne, points out that it’s a loaded phrase.

For some, it finally names the behaviors that keep women small. For others, it feels like blame for playing by rules they never chose.

Hannah breaks it down into three perspectives to show how complex this idea really is:

1. Women can also be toxic. Anyone can be manipulative or emotionally destructive. In this form, femininity becomes a means of control through fragility or victimhood, as seen with Regina George in Mean Girls.
2. It reinforces gender inequality. Toxic femininity can twist ideals like gentleness or vulnerability into excuses for avoiding accountability. Weakness becomes a strategy instead of a truth.
3. It enables toxic masculinity. When women stay quiet to be “good,” the system wins. As feminist thinkers bell hooks and Simone de Beauvoir showed in their own ways, playing small keeps the imbalance alive.

The thing is, these ideas explain the concept. But they only touch the surface of what it feels like to live it.

The experience behind the definition

Beyond the “toxic femininity” definition, the impact of this behavior runs much deeper into the way women experience themselves every day. 

According to Dr. Amanda Hanson, a clinical psychologist and author of Muse, many women are trying to exist within a narrow version of femininity they believe they must embody to be accepted. And it leaves them feeling like they’re drowning.

It doesn’t take a genius to see where it started:

• Society praised women for being quiet, obedient, and caring.
• Fairy tales told you to wait for someone to choose you.
• Religion taught that your power came from purity.
• Modern culture dressed it up as “having it all” while still doing it all.

Across much of Western culture, women are still taught to give more, need less, and stay soft. Not everyone feels it the same way, but many end up tying their worth to it. And that’s how toxic femininity is damaging us.

Psychologists call this a form of internalized misogyny. It’s when you unknowingly absorb the very ideas that hold you back. You start editing yourself to keep the peace, judging other women for being “too much,” and calling it humility when it’s really fear.

The side effect of that? A quiet battle between who you are and who you were taught to be.

Toxic femininity signs you might not realize you’re living by

Toxic femininity doesn’t always walk in being a diva, mean girl, or Karen. Here are some other ways it can infiltrate your daily life.

• You apologize for existing. “Sorry” slips out before you even know what you’re sorry for.
• You overextend to earn love. Every effort goes into keeping others comfortable, even when it costs your peace.
• You confuse niceness with goodness. Saying yes feels easier than sitting with someone’s disappointment.
• You suppress your anger. The constant effort to control your emotions builds pressure until your joy feels muted.
• You express anger sideways. Silence, guilt, or distance becomes your way of saying what words can’t.
• You compete instead of connect. A toxic culture built on patriarchy teaches you to measure your worth against other women.
• You perform softness instead of feeling it. Calm becomes the mask you wear to make everyone feel safe.
• You mistake suffering for virtue. Pain starts to feel like proof that you’re doing something right.
• You carry everyone’s emotions. Their moods decide how you feel before you even take a breath.

If you catch yourself thinking, “Hey, that’s me,” know that these toxic femininity traits don’t make you weak. But now that you see them, you can choose differently.

My definition of sexy has absolutely nothing to do with how someone else sees me. It’s how I experience myself in the world. That’s sexy.

— Sheila Kelley, trainer of Mindvalley’s Becoming Irresistibly Sexy program

7 examples of toxic femininity

Cultural expectations still shape how women love, work, and relate. These toxic femininity examples uncover what that conditioning looks like in everyday life.

1. The martyr at home. You take care of everything, carrying the mental load that no one seems to see. That has Molly Weasley from Harry Potter written all over it—running the house, saving everyone, and burning out in silence.
2. The people-pleaser at work. You say “yes” before you even think about it. Like Andrea Sachs from The Devil Wears Prada, you mistake over-delivering for being valued.
3. The mean girl in disguise. You catch yourself complimenting someone while comparing yourself in the same breath. It’s Regina George in Mean Girls with a spiritual Instagram bio, polished, charming, and quietly competitive.
4. The silent partner. You avoid conflict to keep the peace. Think Betty Draper in Mad Men, smiling through suffocation because that’s what a “good wife” does.
5. The cool girl persona. You play easygoing even when something hurts. Like Marla Singer in Fight Club, you hide your chaos behind a smirk.
6. The overprotective mother. You love hard and hold tight, driven by mom guilt. Picture Emily Gilmore from Gilmore Girls, blurring the line between love and control.
7. The woman who polices other women. You judge the freedom you wish you had. It’s Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter, enforcing the rules she was once crushed by.

In an interview on The Mindvalley Podcast, Dr. Hanson expresses her frustration with how too many people have learned to perform instead of live. She explains, “They’re so damn terrified of being rejected, of not being accepted, and so we have a whole bunch of fake people running around being fake with each other.”

It’s a mirror worth facing. After all, the world needs your presence, not your performance.

Toxic femininity vs. toxic masculinity

Both toxic femininity and toxic masculinity grow from the same root: fear of rejection and loss of power. They’re two sides of the same conditioning, teaching people to suppress what’s real in exchange for what’s accepted.

Here’s how they compare:

You can see this play out at home. One partner takes on the emotional labor of keeping everyone comfortable while the other avoids vulnerability by staying distant or detached.

There’s also toxic femininity in the workplace. A team member downplays their authority to seem likable or takes on emotional tasks to keep the peace, while another masks insecurity through control and overconfidence.

When it comes to the pressure to conform to society’s bullsh*t rules (or “brules,” as Vishen, founder and CEO of Mindvalley, calls them), femininity and masculinity are very similar. Just as the pressure to be stereotypically masculine is damaging for men, the trend is just as toxic for women.

And understanding the difference between the two can help you see how neither is who you truly are.

The hidden consequences of toxic femininity

Toxic patterns rarely form in isolation. People who act from them are often carrying unhealed pain of their own.

“We think men are the ones putting us in this box, and they’re not,” says Sheila Kelley, the founder of S Factor, in her stage talk at Mindvalley U (formerly known as Mindvalley University). The trainer of Mindvalley’s Becoming Irresistibly Sexy program goes on to explain that it’s actually culture that plays judge and jury.

“Then,” she adds, “other women, who are starving for attention, starving to feel valued, see you getting attention for your feminine nature, your erotic creature, and then they get jealous and start ripping you apart.” 

This kind of pain becomes behavior, and behavior becomes culture. Here’s how it unfolds in everyday life.

• It keeps women small. When femininity operates under cultural duress, performance replaces authenticity, and safety begins to create a sense of invisibility. Over time, that chips away at confidence and self-trust.
• It sabotages sisterhood. Toxic behavior breeds competition where there should be connection. Gossip, judgment, and emotional one-upmanship turn potential allies into quiet adversaries.
• It props up patriarchy. Playing the victim, seeking approval, or staying submissive may win short-term validation. But it keeps the same system of control alive, disguised as grace.
• It silences truth. The constant need to be polite, nice, or not too much keeps women from expressing anger, desire, or ambition. Repression becomes second nature, and authenticity takes the hit.
• It turns power into aesthetics. Modern culture sells empowerment as a look that must be curated, palatable, and perfectly filtered. The result is women chasing perfection instead of presence.

The fact of the matter is, the cost of pretending is high. But in the words of Sheila, “Fix the feminine, you fix the culture.” That’s when the cycle begins to break.

How to heal toxic femininity

If you’ve started noticing these patterns in yourself, good. That means awareness has already begun doing its job.

The next step is practice. Small, consistent ways to learn how to stop toxic femininity and start living from something truer. Because when one woman heals, every woman feels it.

1. Create power from within

There’s a lot of talk of empowered femininity in women’s circles, and you’ve likely come across it.

Girl power.
Empowered women empower women.
She believed she could, so she did.

But Dr. Hanson has other thoughts. She says, “I don’t, in my world, even use the word ‘empowerment.’”

Gasp, you might think. How can a leading voice in the psychology of women put down empowerment? Well, she has a good reason.

She recalls asking her husband if he or his friends ever talked about “feeling empowered.” His response was: “Absolutely never. If I want power, I just create the power inside of myself.”

As Dr. Hanson points out, “This idea of empowerment, I feel like, is a passive form of asking for permission to have a little bit of power as a woman.”

Research shows that many empowerment programs are built on the idea that someone, whether an organization, a government, or a company, is giving women power. But in doing so, they reinforce the belief that women never had it to begin with. Power starts to seem like something others grant you, not something that already lives inside you.

And that’s what’s been happening for centuries. Culture has filtered women’s sense of authority through roles like wife, mother, muse, and helper. The message was clear: your value lives in service, not sovereignty.

So, as Dr. Hanson would advise, if you want power, just create the power inside yourself.

Try this: Reconnect to your own power through your senses. Ask yourself, “What do I hear, what do I see, what do I smell, what do I taste, and what do I touch?” Then, place one hand on your heart and one on your womb space. That’s where your center of power lives, and every answer you need starts there.

2. Reconnect with your younger self

“We are in our most authentic self until we are 11 years old,” says Dr. Hanson. Up until that age, which is around the time the average girl gets her period, she’s “running around with her mismatched clothing, her protruding belly, mismatched socks, crazy hair, and she believes that she can simultaneously grow up to be a unicorn trainer and an astronaut and a gymnast all at the same time because she has the belief that anything is possible.”

Studies show that social pressure and comparison begin to erode girls’ confidence as they enter adolescence. As cultural expectations about how to look, speak, and behave start to pile on, authenticity begins to shrink.

According to Dr. Hanson, that version of you “was the most real and authentic version of you there’s ever been.” So go back and get her.

Try this: Close your eyes and picture that 10-year-old version of you. What did she love before she learned to be pleasing? What did she believe before she started shrinking?

Write her a letter, and then live one thing she would’ve done without fear.

3. Redefine what sexy means

“When you hear the word ‘sexy,’ what comes to mind?” asks Sheila in her Mindvalley program.

A flat stomach? Red lips and high heels? The perfect selfie?

“The word ‘sexy’ to me is an emotion you feel,” Sheila explains. “My definition of sexy has absolutely nothing to do with how someone else sees me. It’s how I experience myself in the world. That’s sexy.”

For most women, that’s a radical reframe. From a young age, you’re taught that “sexy” belongs to how you look, not how you feel. The male gaze has shaped it, not your own. And over time, that conditioning separates you from your body, which is the very source of your intuition, confidence, and sensual power.

Sheila’s work invites you to take it back. To see “sexy” as a way to be more feminine, alive, embodied, and fully present rather than performative. And when you reclaim it as self-experience, it loosens one of the quiet patterns of toxic femininity that ties worth to being desired.

Try this: Move your body for one song today. Forget the mirrors, the audience, and the idea of perfection. Just be in the now.

Because that’s the very essence of sexy.

Get more insights from Sheila Kelley:

4. Use your voice fully

There’s nothing unique about copying what everyone else says. Nor is it empowering when you stay quiet instead of speaking your truth.

That’s why Rachel Pringle, an embodiment coach and founder of the Wild Woman Experience, is an advocate of activating the fullness of your voice. 

“As the feminine, we have been taught to not trust our voice,” she says in her Mindvalley program, Wild Woman Sensuality. But it’s your power, your truth, and your essence.

Research in psychology shows that suppressing emotion and self-expression has measurable effects on both mental and physical health. It can lead to higher stress, lower self-esteem, and reduced well-being over time.

Try this: One thing you can do is stand up and take a deep breath. Exhale with a sound that matches how you feel right now—a sigh, a hum, or a word that feels true. Let the sound move through you until your body feels lighter.

So no more toxic beliefs. Throw them out. And, as Rachel suggests, “allow yourself to feel and express what’s alive inside you.” When you do, you become magnetic.

5. Balance your masculine and feminine energy

Toxic femininity keeps you overgiving, pleasing, and self-abandoning because it lacks the inner structure that says “enough.” Rachel explains that reclaiming your sacred masculine gives you that structure, so your feminine can finally breathe and create.

“The importance of creating a sacred masculine container is so that we feel safe,” Rachel says. “This is a massive part of fully awakening to the wild woman that exists within you.”

Think of it as the balance between movement and stillness. Your inner masculine gives direction, focus, and steadiness so that your feminine energy can move, express, and create freely. Yin and yang, essentially.

Try this: Before the world starts asking for your energy, pause to breathe. Feel your feet on the ground, and remind yourself that you are your own source of safety.

That simple pause obviates the rush to please or perform, clearing space for genuine presence.

A journey to healthy femininity: Real-life stories

Plenty of women have explored what it means to heal toxic femininity. Dr. Amanda Hanson, Sheila Kelley, and Rachel Pringle are only a few voices in a growing chorus.

Then there are academics like Hannah McCann, who studies and teaches how femininity is shaped by culture, and psychologist Jo-Ann Finkelstein, Ph.D., who unpacks it through the lens of gender conditioning in her book Sexism & Sensibility. Feminist scholar Moya Bailey adds another layer to the conversation, showing how femininity is experienced differently across race and culture.

These women have lived through them and found their way back to themselves. And now they’re helping countless others to do the same.

The one who healed through embodiment

Most women learn to disconnect from their bodies early on. They move through the world in control, not in flow.

For Dijana Llugolli, a coach from Sweden, that disconnection became the doorway back to herself. Using Sheila’s methods, she learned to move with intention and listen to her body.

“Through self-reflection and healing modalities, I embraced my sexuality and femininity without judgment or fear,” she says. Each practice helped her rebuild trust with her body and find safety in her own presence again.

The one who remembered what fearless feels like

With the help of Rachel’s techniques, Nadya Veliz, the vice-president of a sporting goods company in Mexico, reconnected with her divine femininity. She discovered that pleasure and power can belong in the same breath.

“I feel a FEARLESS WOMAN!” she exclaims, now knowing what it’s like to move through the world as her own master healer.

The one who stopped hiding her pain

Something not many know is that part of femininity is learning to embrace your dark feminine energy. It holds anger, grief, and desire, the emotions often buried to stay pleasant or acceptable. When you meet that darkness with compassion, it transforms into strength and truth.

That’s what Nannarat Yingthananan, an educator from Bangkok, discovered through Rachel’s Mindvalley program. 

“I dropped several tears,” she says of the experience. Each lesson helped her meet her shadows with love and return to herself.

Heal. Rise. Thrive.

Deep down, you sense there’s more to your energy, your body, and your power. And that’s been wanting to wake up again.

Rachel Pringle’s been there, done that. And now she’s here to help you be there and do that.

Her 10-day embodiment journey, Wild Woman Sensuality, guides you back to the rhythm of your body and the confidence that comes from feeling fully alive in it. Here’s what you’ll experience inside:

• Learn to let go of old patterns, fears, and emotional blocks that keep your body guarded. 
• Awaken the energy that fuels confidence, creativity, and deep self-love.
• Rebuild trust with yourself through daily embodiment practices that honor your rhythm and truth.
• Replace criticism with compassion, and let your inner world soften into strength.
• Dance, breathe, and speak from the part of you that no longer needs to perform.

She’s helped many women truly know what it means to come home to themselves. One such person, Wedad Almamari from Oman, realized deep things about herself and her power. As she shares on Mindvalley Stories:

Now, I feel that I am more grounded, confident, appreciating being a woman, loving my whole self, more balanced, freer, and more connected to my higher self. 

If you’re curious to see what that feels like, you can unlock a free class from Wild Woman Sensuality. It’s a safe space to explore your strength, your softness, and everything in between.

Welcome in.