Do you want to be in love forever? It may sound like an impossibility, but it’s more attainable than you’d think. And these long term relationship secrets can help you make it happen.
How To Learn To Recognize Real Love
Before we explore the essential long term relationship secrets, you must first learn how to recognize love when it appears.
As a relationship expert and love coach, I’ve found the primary indicator of real love is when your body, heart, and mind all converge on the same undeniable truth:
This person was made for you.
Basically, if you would bet your life (and his) that no other woman could love him better than you could, then you’ve found “the One.”
But, let me warn you…love is not easy.
Once the starry-eyed phase has progressed into the inevitable power-struggle, that’s when the real work begins. But it’s good work, and it provides the most direct access to intimacy.
Why relationships encourage personal growth
Relationships are the most intense personal growth workshops that exist. They’re the places you dive deep into your darkest shadow work.
Love is not for the faint-hearted; it’s a gladiator sport. And that’s why I’m such champion for the highest, most resilient form possible, True Love.
You need a relentless, unshakable force strong enough to keep you doing the intense self-inquiry required to make a partnership effective, long term. Your partner, if right, becomes a mirror for your magnificence and your myopias. A long-term relationship demands that you dive-into a more expansive version of you, and it can be terrifying (to your status-quo self).
Only True Love is strong enough to withstand the uncontrollable urge to run, to leave when it gets too hard.
And that is the point. Love is a sacred crucible for self-actualization. I believe it’s our fastest access to transformation. This game is about rolling up your sleeves and getting down to those wounded areas in the basement of your psyche that you’ve been avoiding your whole life.
Reasons You Haven’t Found Lasting Love
Here are some common reasons why you may not have found lasting love or marriage… yet.
Listen for which statement(s) might apply to you.
- Treat men as if they’re more important or less important than you (both are equally dangerous and produce the same result: he doesn’t feel met)
- Believe someone should love you ‘just the way you are’ instead of seeking a partner who will stand for your greatest self
- Want to be rescued – physically, financially, emotionally, intellectually
- Feel riddled by shame, fear and hopelessness, you think true love is a fantasy that doesn’t exist
- Feel desperately attached to being married with kids by a certain date, and looking for a good enough husband. Being in love is less important than being married
- Find yourself unwilling to look at your own patterns that interfere with true intimacy
- Feel ashamed of sexuality and have loads of unexplored guilt around it
- Find yourself disconnected from your feelings & don’t share them openly with yourself or partner
- Feel addicted to control and secretly want to have more power than he does
These are the unproductive beliefs I had once, and often find in my female clients. If any of these statements resonated for you, pay close attention to the rest of this article. If you don’t get these identified and handled, you may keep doing the same things over and over and never find your life partner, or worse… you’ll find a good enough guy, but you won’t be “in love” and the romance will eventually dissolve leaving you feeling alone and disillusioned.
If you want to have your dream guy fall in love and stay with you forever, here are the 5 long term relationship secrets you need to know.
5 Long Term Relationship Secrets
1) You as the safest place for him to go on the planet
Your arms, your eyes, your lap, those have to be a refuge for him. It can be a scary world to your partner’s inner child. If he doesn’t feel safe in your presence, he will not choose to build a life there, you can never be ‘home’.
However, if you become the safest place on the planet for his heart’s secret needs, he will never leave. You’ll continue to win over every other woman. Wherever his novelty-seeking eyes wander, he’ll always be called back to you.
2) He wants to feel like a hero
This requires you to surrender to his strengths, wherever they are. Men want to feel trusted by their woman, that’s what they interpret as love.
This means you must learn to lean into his unique wisdom, his power and his support. Trust is not earned, it can only be granted. Believe in his desire to serve you, nourish you and push you toward your wants.
Look for the hero in your partner, acknowledge, revere and appreciate that aspect. Men fall in love with the woman who lets him be her hero.
3) He wants to feel praised, not put down
With your partner, reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. What you put your attention on grows -it doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative attention.
Do not use leverage, criticism or manipulation to get what you want, rather invite a new behavior by making requests laced with trust and desire. This is the feminine way to influence, seduce rather than coerce.
Men hunger to be acknowledged for specific things and in public if possible. Also notice how your ego may hold you back from sharing empowering, affirming feedback with your man, as an attempt to maintain leverage and power.
Power is not the currency of true love, open-hearted transparency is.
4) He wants to have a great sex life
Keep developing yourself and your sexuality so that you and him can have a non-shameful, exciting sex life.
The litmus test of a relationship working long-term is their sex life. Sex makes or breaks relationships. Like food, it’s not a luxury, it’s a staple and must be made a priority. If you want a guy to choose you to sleep with for the rest of his life, you have to learn to enjoy sex, share your needs, wants and fantasies, and be open to hearing his.
Constantly re-invent your sexuality together. Until these primal issues around sex and shame are explored openly with surgical sensitivity, they will haunt and undermine your relationship.
5) He wants to hear your truth
Share your fears, pain, desires and dreams with him; in particular show him your humanity.
He’s looking for a place where all his emotions are safe to land. If you cannot own and express your own emotions, you definitely won’t be able to help him with his. For any relationship to really work, you have to get good at ‘feeling’ (not thinking what you feel but actually feeling sensations in your body, in your somatic space).
Many men don’t know how to feel their feelings and they’re unconsciously looking to their woman to teach them. A man falls in love with the woman he feels most alive around. A woman creates a field of aliveness when she’s experiencing and expressing her emotion, without justification.
Learn to identify, map and name your emotional states, then practice sharing them. This can be scary but it’s a crucial skill, if you want to connect with your partner’s heart.
Long term relationship secret: Learning to have faith in love
Now that we’ve explored the main experiences needed for a partner to surrender, we shall invoke the last requirement of a love that lasts forever: faith.
Faith is the umbilical cord that connects you and your lover to each other and romantic success. It has no reasons, proofs or justifications… it’s a blind resolve based on nothing but the unwavering belief in something you find true, good and beautiful.
Faith requires an unreasonable audacity. It is something you create in yourself, by yourself. When you forget all the ‘reasons’ for your love or cannot feel the encouraging emotions in your body, faith is the only thing that keeps you going when the situation seems dark and hopeless. Cultivating faith is a muscle. It must be practiced and strengthened when doubt tries to creep in.
As a woman, you are the emotional leader in your relationship. Which is why it’s important to master these skills. Some things cannot be learned, except through creation. I invite you to take on becoming a creator of love, even in the face of fear.
Learn to believe in true love
True Love requires only one thing: that you believe in it. I know somewhere deep inside you is an ember that burns with the knowing that true love exists; let’s blow on that ember and make a fire that fuels your own private fairytale.
You can never have what you don’t believe in.
This article was originally published on Annie Lalla’s website and is reprinted here with permission from the author.
So, which of these long term relationship secrets resonated with you? Share your love story with us in the comments below!