It’s bound to happen sooner or later — that notorious Big M creeps up on you. Menopause.
Unfortunately, the “brules” (bullsh*t rules of society) say it’s the end of everything good as you know it, especially sex after menopause.
Who needs bullsh*t rules when it comes to sex?
Menopause is not the end of your sex life. The stigma of midlife chastity is utter nonsense. Just because your body has stopped inviting Aunt Flo over, it’s no reason to stop bringing sexy back.
“Many of us were taught to disconnect from [our sexual energy] and from our sensuality and from our bodies,” says the late Psalm Isadora, a tantra expert whose ideas were the inspiration for Mindvalley’s Tantra Touch Quest. (She, unfortunately, passed away in 2017.)
During menopause, particularly, women are surviving, but they’re not thriving.
The awesome truth is, there’s no time limit for feeling sexy or being sensual. And when it comes to having sex after menopause, here are a few things to take note on:
Give yourself permission to connect with your intimate desires because you deserve to enjoy sex long after your red flag has been taken down.
What Are the Common Effects of Menopause?
While being sexually active during menopause is very much still on the table, your body goes through a transformation that can change your sex life.
For some women, this is a welcoming change since they won’t have to worry about getting pregnant. But for others, the body transformation and the menopausal symptoms may not be as appealing. That can lead to changes in their sexual desire.
In her book, Mayo Clinic The Menopause Solution, Dr. Stephanie Faubion summarizes four of the most common sexual issues women face during menopause. Here’s what that looks like:
1. When Your Libido Goes Low, Low, Low, Low, Low
Your libido is your interest in sex and can be referred to as your sexual desire. It’s normal for your libido to fluctuate — for example, you may feel amped up at the beginning of a relationship, but the drive might drop after having a baby.
Dr. Faubion explains there are two types of sexual desire: spontaneous and receptive.
- Spontaneous desire is your biological craving for sex. It comes out of nowhere (hence, “spontaneous”). Your desire gets stimulated when you have a sexual thought while reading a raunchy novel or watching Fifty Shades of Grey.
- Receptive desire, on the other hand, is a response to arousal. It typically happens when you’re already engaged in a physically stimulating activity, like snuggling. You’re physically ready before you’re mentally turned on.
The unfortunate news is spontaneous desire relies heavily on hormones. And because hormone levels shift during menopause, that desire can plummet for some women. One study even shows sexual desire decreases, regardless of if you’re with normal menopause or with a surgical one.
But the good news is that you can make up for the loss in spontaneous desire by maximizing your receptive desire.
2. Problems With Arousal
The desire for sex is one thing, but arousal is another.
While desire refers to your sexual appetite, arousal is about your physiological response, including vaginal lubrication and increased blood flow to your feminine parts.
The problem comes when your estrogen levels start to decline. This hormone helps with lubricating your vagina and keeping its tissues healthy. But when the production of it starts to decline, you’ll most likely experience vaginal atrophy, where the lining of the vagina gets drier and thinner.
What happens then? Your arousal takes longer or is harder to achieve, so foreplay and strong clitorial stimulation are high on Dr. Faubion’s suggestion list to counter the problems with your arousal.
3. Changes In Orgasm
Your clitoris is one of the most erogenous zones in your body. During menopause, though, it can become less sensitive. The North American Menopause Society states of the women having problems achieving orgasm, a good number of them were women ages 45 and older.
So if you do reach orgasm, it may not be as long or intense as it once was.
However, keep in mind that this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It’s an organic transformation of your body.
4. Sexual Pain
Now comes one of the most frequently asked questions regarding sex during this period: why is sex painful after menopause?
Due to the decrease in estrogen levels, not only do you experience vaginal dryness, but the walls in your vagina also start to thin. This causes it to become less flexible, more fragile, and susceptible to bleeding, tearing, and infections.
All of this can result in painful sex after menopause.
Learn More: Should Women Be Working Out During Their Period? Mindvalley’s 10X Trainer Weighs In
How to Increase Sex Drive After Menopause
The Big M is no reason for your sex life to go into retirement. It deserves more than just hanging about the house and taking gardening on as a hobby.
On the contrary, it should be cared for and tended to like a delicate rose. And menopause may just be a great time to really get in tune with your body and its sexual needs.
So if you’re looking at how to increase sex drive after menopause, let’s look at what happens in the four phases of the sexual response cycle. And just to spice it up a bit with some sex after menopause tips, we’ve added insights from Mindvalley’s Tantra Touch Quest that can help your pleasure-seeking libido.
Phase 1: Arousal
Your heart’s pounding as your breath quickens. You feel your breasts getting fuller and your nipples hardening. There’s a magical tingling sensation at that special place in your body.
Say “hello” to arousal.
Keep in mind that everyone is different. Not everyone will experience all of the above, and how long it takes for the changes to occur is also a factor.
This is no different from menopausal sex life. Although it’ll take a bit more effort to get aroused, there are pleasuring techniques that can be explored with or without your partner.
How Tantra Touch Quest can help with sex after menopause
As if menopause wasn’t stressful enough, knowing your libido is low is no bueno. But meditation can benefit you emotionally by helping you:
- Gain a new perspective on stressful situations
- Manage your stress
- Increase self-awareness
- Focus on the present
- Reduce negative emotions
- Increase imagination and creativity
- Increase patience and tolerance
This is where the KISS Meditation comes in (nothing to do with kissing, by the way). Here’s what it stands for:
- K is for kinetic: where you tap into and embrace your sexual energy
- I is for intimacy: to create a deeper, authentic connection through mindful sex
- S is for slowing down: so you can be more present and notice the feelings and needs of both you and your partner
- S is for sensuality: where you feel sensual before you get sexual, allowing you to be more connected to your heart, body, and soul as well as feel more connected with your partner
This powerful practice, guided by Psalm in the Tantra Touch Quest, will help you break past taboos, hack your ‘brules’ around sex and intimacy, and create deeper, more meaningful connections with your partner.
Phase 2: Plateau
Crank up the intensity because that’s what this phase is all about. ‘Plateau’ is kind of a misnomer; it’s more of an arousal-building phase than a flat plateau.
So what happens here? Your breathing, heart rate, and arousal continue to increase. And your clitoris becomes highly sensitive and retracts under the clitoral hood.
How Tantra Touch Quest can help with sex after menopause
Foreplay and tantra massage are super powerful tools that can help you lower inhibitions and increase emotional intimacy for a more profound and wholesome sexual experience.
Psalm will guide you through ways to help you unlock your erotic mind, including:
- How to express yourself verbally
- Eat right
- How to relax for better sex
- How to open your body through massage
So if you’re having problems with arousal, learn to master foreplay and massage, and use it to your advantage.
Phase 3: Orgasm
This phase made the word “climax” famous. It’s the shortest phase of the four, often only lasting for seconds.
Those with a vagina will experience their vaginal muscles contracting and their uterus undergoing repeated contractions. And while their counterparts have an easier time climaxing, those with a vagina often have longer orgasms or multiple ones.
How Tantra Touch Quest can help with sex after menopause
One great way to get familiar with what you like and dislike is through self-pleasuring. Research shows that it has several health benefits that include:
- Releasing hormones and chemicals, such as the happiness hormone dopamine, the love hormone oxytocin, and the feel-good hormone serotonin
- Reducing your anxiety and stress
- Reducing pain
- Improving your sleep
- Improving your self-esteem
Psalm will guide you on practices that will especially help women — orgasmic triggers and exercises, how to do a tantric breast massage, and how to have tantric whole-body and multiple orgasms.
Phase 4: Resolution
“Ahhh…” and let out all that sexual and muscle tension. Your body’s replaced by a sense of warmth, well-being, and intimacy. That’s possibly the reason females like to cuddle post-coitus.
Bonus: with the help of sexual stimulation, some women are capable of returning to the orgasm phase and experiencing multiple orgasms.
How Tantra Touch Quest can help with sex after menopause
If you’re experiencing any kind of discomfort or pain during sex after menopause, we do recommend you see your healthcare provider to properly diagnose and treat your symptoms.
And sexual pain can definitely be stressful (which can magnify the pain). A tantric massage can help with that. Although it may not cure you of your pain, it can bring down your stress levels so that your pain is more manageable.
Psalm teaches the powerful Sacred Spot Massage to stimulate your genitals (and your partner’s as well) in a tantric way, so you can feel more energy and more pleasure than you may have ever experienced before.
Sex Care Is Self-Care
When it comes to managing menopausal symptoms, women have a lot more choices now than ever before. Regardless of what society says, it’s a great time to have menopause.
For example, in an episode on The Mindvalley Podcast, neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Mosconi explains how menopause affects your brain. She and her team have extensively studied women’s brains and their research found that the symptoms of menopause don’t actually start in your ovaries. They actually start in your brain.
She explains, “The truth is that your brain might be going through a transition, or is going through a transition, and needs time and support to adjust.” And to support your menopausal health, you can pick up simple lifestyle habits to support your brain health.
You can also join Mindvalley and as a Member, you’ll have full access to quests dedicated to sexual health, like The Science of Great Sex and Tantra Touch Quest. While the programs aren’t specifically aimed at menopausal women, the teachings can guide you to heal your shame around sex, understand your desires, and embrace intimacy, sensuality, and passion.
It’s also important to note that with any concerns you have about your menopause, you should always discuss them with your healthcare provider.
Now fire up your “This Smells Like My Vagina”‘” candle and get down with your sex life during menopause. Because sex care is self-care.
