How to Overcome Anxiety in Bed, According to Sex Experts: Dr. Amy Killen, Shan Boodram & Psalm Isadora

How to Overcome Anxiety in Bed, According to Sex Experts: Dr. Amy Killen, Shan Boodram & Psalm Isadora

Dr. Amy Killen on stage talking about how to overcome sexual anxiety

Do you experience sexual anxiety? Learn scientifically proven solutions to overcoming sexual performance anxiety and becoming better in bed.

Sex is not just one of the most exhilarating experiences one can have, it’s also beneficial for your overall health and wellbeing. 

Sexual activity reduces your stress levels, strengthens your ability to think, and even makes you look younger.

Yet, for some of you, it somewhat has the opposite effect. 

When anxiety and sex are coupled together, sexual activity is nothing but a terrifying endeavor you want to avoid despite all its benefits.

It’s called sexual anxiety, and between 9% to 25% of men and women experience it in their intimate relationships.

Luckily, there are scientifically proven solutions to overcoming sexual performance anxiety and reclaiming your sexual power. And here’s what you need to know:

What Is Sexual Anxiety?

Sexual anxiety is a fear-based response people develop due to negative past experiences, sexual dysfunctions, trauma, and stress. As a result, you can feel extreme shame and, at worst,  avoid any sexual contact.

It’s also known as sexual performance anxiety because it involves you doing it in front of another person, so it’s related to social anxiety.

It’s completely normal to experience a small amount of it. After all, when you find someone sexually attractive, worrying a bit about your performance in bed is natural. 

However, sexual performance anxiety differs from person to person, or bed to bed. 

In men, it can cause issues with erections and ejaculation. In women, it can prevent arousal and orgasm, affecting the physical desire to make love.

What are some common worries or triggers of sexual anxiety?

Some common worries leading to sexual anxiety can include:

  • Poor body image (weight, body shape)
  • Past traumas
  • Size of a penis
  • Concern about ejaculating too early or taking too long to reach orgasm
  • Anxiety about not being able to have an orgasm
  • Fear of intimacy

For triggers of sexual performance anxiety, some common ones include:

  • Work-related stress
  • Problems in your personal relationships
  • Financial stress
  • Problems with your love life

How Stress Affects Your Libido

Anxiety is a state of mind — when you are so stressed that you cannot focus on the given task. In the case of sexual anxiety, your mind is unable to focus on sex, which impacts your ability to get aroused. 

According to a study, 51% of respondents reported ‘dead bedrooms’ because of work stress. ‘Dead bedrooms’ refers to a sexless relationship that can last anywhere from months to years. 

Whether you have sexual anxiety or not, your body produces stress hormones that narrow blood vessels if you are stressed out. If you are a man, less blood flows into your penis, which makes an erection a challenge.

In a popular Mindvalley podcast episode, Dr. Amy Killen, anti-aging and regenerative medicine physician, explains that your mind is the largest sex organ and everything below starts in your brain. So the biggest sex killer is stress. 

Having the right mindset is crucial if you want to have sex. This is why getting rid of stress factors in your work and life could be your biggest single solution to overcome sexual anxiety.

She recommends taking supplements to reduce stress and using mindfulness meditation. 

According to John Gray, an American relationship counselor, men can overcome stress by watching their favorite sports. He says, “If you allow your man to sit alone and watch their favorite TV show, it increases their testosterone. They are more resilient at work and in bed.”

So his advice to you is to give your man some space.

The late Psalm Isadora on stage at A-Fest 2015 in Croatia
The late Psalm Isadora, tantra expert, on stage at A-Fest 2015 in Croatia

4 Ways to Improve Your Performance in Bed

Sexual performance anxiety isn’t an official medical term as it refers to a psychological response to having sex. 

Apparently, by improving your performance in bed, you can alleviate your worries about it.

Shan Boodram, the Internet’s most sought-after certified sex educator and relationship expert, shares three ways to improve your performance in bed.

1. Be authentic

She says, “If you find yourself making the same sounds over and over, you aren’t responding to each moment. Because each moment is unique.”

So you want to be deeply attuned to every single moment and enjoy the process.

Recommended: Your Naked Truth: How to Be Authentic (For Real)

2. Be a tourist, not a tour guide

You want to be genuinely interested in your partner’s body, even if you know your partner for some time. 

It’s not just about asking questions. It’s about the novelty reflected in your eyes. You want to explore your partner’s body again and again by listening to it and reacting accordingly.

3. Mix sensations

While you are making love to somebody, you want to mix sensations using your hands together with your genitals. 

“You are a hand away from pleasure. Yours and your partner’s,” explains Shan.

In addition to that, you can awaken your sexual powers using energy practices like tantra. Not only can you learn how to experience a full-body orgasm yourself, but you also give it to your partner by channeling this energy.

6 Solutions to Improve Your Sexual Health as You Grow Older

One of the biggest myths about sex that promotes sexual anxiety in men is that every guy in their mid-30s needs viagra to get an erection. 

This myth makes men psychologically reliant on the pill — even when they don’t need it, they take it. According to Dr. Amy Killen, you can repair and rejuvenate your genitals without any medications.

Moreover, if you approach it in the right way, sex can get better as you grow older. And the right approach is a whole-body approach based on these six solutions.

1. Mind your mind

Your inability to deal with stress makes you unable to have good sex. It affects your hormones and puts you in the fight-or-flight response. 

2. Be healthy

Your sexual health relies on blood flow. As we get older, we have more inflammation.

Exercising every day, practicing meditation, having a low sugar diet, avoiding smoking – these are musts in order to be healthy and have a healthy sex life.

3. Increase nitric oxide levels

This vital molecule is produced in your body and helps blood vessels promote proper blood flow. As you get older, its production decreases. 

To increase nitric oxide levels, you want to eat foods rich in nitric oxide. The best options are green leafy veggies, dark chocolate, and beetroot.

Dr. Amy Killen explains that you need two processes intact for keeping its levels high – healthy bacteria in your mouth and stomach acid. Mouthwash kills healthy bacteria, so you want to avoid it as much as possible and any medications that decrease your stomach acid. 

4. Optimize your hormones

Your hormones depend on your lifestyle, environmental factors, and your everyday choices. For women, being aware of their infradian rhythm can make a difference.

Here are some best ways to optimize your hormones:

  • Regular full-body workouts with weight lifting
  • Regular sex
  • Regular sleep
  • Amino acids in your diet
  • Enough sun exposure 

5. Utilize light, heat, and sound

Shockwave therapy is a treatment that improves blood flow and repairs stem cells, increases nitric oxide levels, and improves erection by up to 65%.

Women can do vaginal rejuvenation treatments.

6. Use regenerative medicine

Another way to regenerate and activate your genitals is regenerative medicine, the branch of medicine that develops methods to regrow, repair, or replace damaged or diseased cells, organs, or tissues. They are based on stem cells procedures that are injected into your genitals.

Anxiety-Free Bed

While we all can be a little anxious about our performance in bed, for whatever reason, the biggest obstacle to making it a pleasurable experience is our mind.

This is where your fears reside, which often are more imaginary than real.

Whether you have sex or make love, it’s a co-creative process between you and your partner. If you want to learn how to be attuned to your sexual energy and your partner’s to create paradise in your bed, unlock your free Mindvalley access. There, you can try out sample classes from the bestselling quests: Tantra Touch by Psalm Isadora and The Science of Great Sex by Dr. Amy Killen.

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Written by
Irina Yugay