Love is very much a human need. But whether you’re braving singledom, venturing into the dating scene, or in a long-term commitment, relationships can be a real rollercoaster of emotions.
But fear not, for all is not lost in this vast ocean of affection (or the occasional lack thereof). In fact, there’s a lighthouse on the horizon, offering some much-needed relationship hacks to all of us wayward sailors of love.
And who are these love-guiding luminaries, you ask? None other than Jon and Missy Butcher, the power couple behind the Lifebook program and trainers of the Lifebook Online Quest at Mindvalley.
They’re the love gurus who’ve taken on the mammoth task of decoding the enigma of extraordinary relationships.
“The natural state of things is to disorganize and decay,” says Jon as he shares his wisdom on relationship hacks. “That will happen to your love relationship if you don’t consciously put energy back into the system.”
What Does It Take to Create an Extraordinary Relationship?
Creating an extraordinary relationship is like concocting a Michelin-star-worthy dish. You need quality ingredients, a meticulously crafted recipe, a dash of spontaneity, and a whole lot of heart. Much like how Ratatouille’s Remy won over the discerning critic with his culinary prowess, an extraordinary relationship requires a little bit of bravery and a lot of determination.
According to a 2020 report by the Pew Research Center, 47% of American adults find dating so much harder than it was 10 years ago. Online dating and the #metoo movement are among the top reasons why.
But these aren’t factors that are going away anytime soon. So, how can you navigate the love-seeking game in this new world? What is that secret sauce?
There are a few things long-lasting couples, like Jon and Missy, have in common, such as:
1. They make a conscious decision to have an incredible love life
When it comes to hitting any goal in life, first and foremost, a firm decision must be made. Figuring out what you truly want and going for it without excuses or doubting yourself is the foundation of success.
It’s essentially saying, “This is where we’re going, and this is what we’re doing.”
That’s exactly what Jon and Missy did. They made that conscious decision to create an incredible love affair and passion in their relationship that will last for the rest of their lives.
The fact of the matter is, there’s no use chasing a dream that, once accomplished, wasn’t for you in the first place. So first figure that out, make the commitment, and then go for it.
2. They find and are an extraordinary partner
Extraordinary relationships require extraordinary people. And as Jon says, you can’t make anything good without good ingredients.
You really need to ask yourself, “What is my love style?” That will allow you to pinpoint who you’re willing to become to get the kind of relationship you want. And that’s hugely important.
So if you’re single, make sure your next partner is truly right for you, as well as ensure that you’ve grown enough to be a great partner for them too.
If you’re already in a relationship, ask yourself honestly if your partner is the person you want to share, grow with, and fall in love with long-term. Are you showing up as the best version of yourself for them, too?
Listen to your gut for the answer and act on it. It might just be the tip you need for solving relationship problems.
3. They make their relationship their life’s foundation
From Missy and John’s perspective, a relationship is like a motor—keep it well-oiled, help it along, and everything else will run smoothly. Take it for granted and forget to tend to it, and you’re in for a breakdown—or even an explosion.
“Our relationship is the foundation of our lives,” says Missy. “It’s the foundation of our home, our family, and, in our case, our career, finances, and emotional lives.”
She adds that if your relationship is solid, healthy, and working well, you can “handle anything that comes along like a boss.” In a nutshell, part of learning how to strengthen relationships is to be conscious of the importance of your relationship and treat it as such.
As Jon says, “I put Missy first before anything else because if she’s okay, everything’s okay.”
10 Relationship Hacks From Jon & Missy Butcher
Relationships, in all their glory, are a grand adventure. But let’s be real, they’re far from the Disney-sprinkled fairy tales we once imagined. Instead, they’re more like an intricate labyrinth that requires a well-drawn map and some seriously good shoes.
So, how do you navigate this labyrinth of love? Take it from two people who’ve been journeying together through the corridors of commitment for decades—Jon and Missy Butcher.
Their valuable dating tips and relationship hacks are born from experience and genuine love. Let’s delve into their wisdom and make your journey through love’s labyrinth a stroll in the park.
1. Know yourself first
One of the most important love hacks that many people aren’t aware of is self-awareness. The more you know yourself, the more you’ll be able to establish boundaries, express your desires, and make informed decisions that align with your true self.
Additionally, knowing yourself helps you navigate challenges and conflicts in a relationship with greater clarity and self-assurance. It allows you to grow individually while also fostering growth and mutual support within the relationship.
By knowing who you are, you can enter into a relationship from a place of authenticity and confidence. This, then, attracts partners who appreciate and respect you for who you truly are.
Insight from Jon Butcher: “Be honest with yourself. Because if you can pull up negative, defeating beliefs and get conscious of them, you can get rid of them.
What you want to do here is you want to root out any bad beliefs and tell yourself, “This is BS; this one’s out of here; I’m not going to live like this; I’m going to replace it with something that serves me better.’”
2. Create a vision of your relationship together
Picture this: You’re up late at night, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and dreaming about that perfect love life. You know, the Jack and Rose from Titanic kind of relationship.
Sure, you could chalk it up to daydreaming. However, research actually shows that imagining a positive future with your partner enhances relationship satisfaction.
So toss away the stale images of “should be” relationships. Create one that works for you.
Insight from Jon Butcher: “Great relationships don’t just happen on their own. [Missy and I] built this, and it wasn’t always easy.
We had all the common problems that couples deal with early on—jealousy, insecurity, stupid pointless fights, lots of pressure from the outside world—all the common problems. We had a lot of things to sort out, but we are absolutely committed to building something great in this marriage.”
3. Make quality time for each other
Are you familiar with that scene from Up? You know, where Carl and Ellie have their silent conversation? It’s the epitome of quality time—it’s their love language.
Yet, in today’s reality, we’re often too busy swiping right or left on our screens, forgetting that real conversations happen in person. According to the American Psychological Association, couples who engage in deep, meaningful conversations regularly are more satisfied with their relationships.
So, lock away your phones, look each other in the eyes, and just enjoy being in the moment with one another.
Insight from Jon Butcher: “One of the ways that this attribute of putting each other first plays out in everyday life is in the form of a time commitment. [Missy and I] made a commitment to taking time together. Time away from the kids, time away from work, time to just be together, to cultivate our relationship, and to enjoy each other.
We have a commitment of at least one overnight date per week and a couple of trips a year alone together. We’ve been doing this for almost 30 years, and it really, really works.”
4. Make daily affections a thing
Love requires action, according to the Butchers. And here’s the thing: daily affection doesn’t have to be on the Nicholas Sparks level, where every moment is an epic declaration of love. Small, everyday gestures are perfectly enough—a kiss on the forehead, a pat on the back, a quick squeeze of the hand.
A study from the American Journal of Family Therapy shows that simple expressions of affection contribute significantly to relationship satisfaction. So, remember to sprinkle your day with these little acts of love.
Insight from Jon Butcher: “Missy and I made a conscious decision to try to master these skills long, long ago to demonstrate, to show each other on a daily basis how much we love each other. And it’s so easy to do.
Just a little love note by the coffee pot in the afternoon, flowers for no reason, or a sexy little text or email. Just simple, special surprises that can light somebody’s entire day up.”
5. Be open to intimacy and vulnerability
Too often, we shield our true feelings and fears, thinking it might make us look weak. However, as Brené Brown, a professor known for her work on shame, vulnerability, and leadership, says, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.”
There’s value in being vulnerable, especially in a relationship. And revealing our insecurities can be a strong sign of trust, showing our partner that we are comfortable being authentic with them.
This level of openness can significantly strengthen the bond between partners and foster a deeper understanding and empathy for each other’s experiences.
Insight from Jon Butcher: “Sharing the excitement of life together and feeling the connection of two souls is the most amazing experience I can achieve in life. To share intimacy, vulnerability, and authenticity to the core with another person is the greatest experience ever.”
6. Listen actively
Remember Joey from Friends and his “smell the fart” acting? Active listening isn’t that.
Instead, it’s about being present and understanding what your partner is saying. It’s about looking them in the eyes and nodding at the right times.
In fact, research shows that paying attention when your partner talks can make a relationship much better. One study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who really listened to each other were happier in their relationships.
Insight from Jon Butcher: “Really pay attention to your partner. Simple awareness is at the root of effective communication… Train your mind to tune in and get connected with your mate.
Remember, there’s nothing more important than your love standing in front of you right now, so learn to tap into that deep well of respect and appreciation that you have for your partner instantly when they walk into the room.”
7. Have dating rituals
You date before you get married, so why should you stop?
“Make space for it,” says Missy. “And remember what it was like to be, you know, young and in love.”
An incredible way to get those sparks flying is by forging three different dating rituals:
- Daily dating ritual. Jon and Missy’s daily ritual starts at 5:30 p.m. sharp. They often take a walk in their garden or cook together, distraction-free.
- Weekly dating ritual. The couple has a date night every single week where they go out for romantic meals, shack up in cute hotels, or just get close and personal with each other. The key here is “child-free.”
- Annual dating ritual. Jon and Missy go on an annual week-long trip from Paris to full-immersion spa breaks.
An investment in daily, weekly, and annual dating experiences goes a long way. You’ll find that those little, regular efforts quickly become the glue that keeps even the most harmonious relationships afloat.
Insight from Jon Butcher: “It’s through repeated behaviors that keep things hot, keep things passionate, and keep things energetically moving in the right direction.
So the most important single habit that Missy and I installed more than 25 years ago was an overnight date alone, together, every week, no matter where in the world we were. An overnight date.”
8. Keep the spark alive
Sexual intimacy is not just an act; it’s like the ancient art of kama sutra—a key facet of love and connection. This pillar of a relationship isn’t merely about the frequency of physical encounters but rather the quality, shared sense of exploration, and joy.
Jon and Missy are huge advocates of keeping the fires of love burning bright. So much so that they added a Category 13 to their 12-category Lifebook, which focuses on one thing: “X-rated personal development for couples,” as Missy puts it.
So, why does this matter? Simply because sexual satisfaction can lead to overall relationship happiness, according to research.
So, treating sexual intimacy is an essential part of daily life. In doing so, it can help you cultivate not only physical satisfaction but a profound emotional bond between partners as well.
Insight from Jon Butcher: “Keep your love life exciting. Infuse some sensuality into your relationship and keep it hot. Bring some consciousness to your sex life. Plan it out. Set up your environment for sensuality and passion.
Light some candles, put on some sexy music, use aroma, scented oils, candles, or perfumes, learn the art of sensual massage, and dress to thrill each other.”
9. Document your love
Documenting love is something Jon and Missy know a thing or two about. They’ve been capturing their love story for over 25 years.
Photographs, videos, or even making records together (if you’re musically inclined) may seem so simple, but they make such an impact. Imagine the joy of looking back at those memories when you’re older, reminiscing about the good old days when you had all your hair and fewer creaky joints.
So take a cue from the Butchers. Make your home a gallery of your love, filled with snapshots of the silly, sweet, and special moments you’ve shared.
Insight from Jon Butcher: “This is an amazing trick for a couple, especially for a couple just starting out… This home is plastered with pictures of Missy and pictures of me and Missy. And that is just part of the mojo; that is part of the magic… You should be documenting that right now before you get too old. You’re going to look back on that and be so happy that you did it.”
10. Review your life visions together
When it comes to goals, it’s important to look back and see how much you’ve achieved. Interestingly, research shows that when you keep track of your progress regularly, you’re more likely to succeed.
The same applies to relationships. By taking the time to evaluate what’s going well and what needs improvement, you can make your relationship stronger.
It’s something Jon and Missy do once a year. They escape to a spot somewhere in the world for an entire week dedicated solely to working on their Lifebooks and refreshing their life vision. It’s like a relationship health check with a breathtaking backdrop.
So make sure to take the time to talk openly with your partner about your experiences, address any challenges, and celebrate your successes together. Remember, it’s not just about reaching the end goal but also appreciating the journey you’re on as a couple.
Insights from Jon Butcher: “Our values and our goals are the same because we’ve talked through them and we know exactly what they are. We’re always aligned, and we’re always heading in the same direction in every aspect of our lives, and I’ll tell you this has been huge for us when it comes to navigating the tough times.”
Love, Life & Lifebook
Love is not just a fleeting emotion; it’s an integral part of the 12 categories of life. From our health to our career, from our family to our personal growth, love weaves its magic and influences every corner of our lives.
When love is in balance, everything flourishes. But when it’s out of sync, it can become a source of immense pain and frustration.
So, how can you unlock the key to a love relationship that fills your heart with joy? The answer lies in Mindvalley’s Lifebook Online Masterclass with Jon and Missy Butcher.
Through this exclusive masterclass, you’ll learn to communicate effectively, nurture intimacy, and navigate challenges with grace and understanding. You’ll embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery and relationship-building. And you’ll craft a crystal-clear vision of your ideal love relationship, uncovering your deepest desires, values, and beliefs.
Because love, as Jon says, “is one of the best things about life if you get it right and one of the worst things about life if you don’t.” It’s within your reach, and with Lifebook, you have the power to design your own love story and make it a reality.
So take that leap, embrace the journey, and unlock the secrets of love that will transform your life.