Why you might have mommy issues and how to fix them

Chances are, you’ve heard of daddy issues. But do you know of its counterpart, mommy issues?

Granted, the latter may not be on people’s lips as much. However, it, too, maybe the reason you keep picking partners who are emotionally distant…or being emotionally distant yourself.

Here’s the thing: Most people want to have love, as Marisa Peer, a.k.a. “Best British Therapist,” points out in her Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapy for Abundance Quest on Mindvalley. 

“It’s the thing that completes you; it’s the thing that makes your life special, and it’s the thing you get to share everything you have with,” she says. “So we all want love. And yet people have so many problems attracting love, keeping love, staying in love, and it’s always because they have emotional blocks to love again.”

The thing is, the first step toward healing is understanding these issues. Explore the origins… Recognize their impact… And you may find it in yourself to break free from the past and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

What are mommy issues?

The meaning of mommy issues comes down to this: problems in your adult relationships that stem from your difficult childhood with your mother. It’s essentially leftover feelings from back then that affect you now.

This could be from a lack of affection, inconsistency, or overbearingness from your mom. Whatever it is, there are two main ways these unresolved issues can show up:

• You crave a lot of attention and approval from partners. For example, you need them to text you back immediately and get upset if they make plans with other people. You might even compare your girlfriends to your mom, almost like you’re looking for a replacement mom to finally fulfill your childhood need for affection.
• You struggle with fearful-avoidant attachment. What does this look like? You crave their love but fear rejection, so you keep your partner at arm’s length. Or when they show you affection, you have one excuse after another to doubt their sincerity.

With such underlying and unaddressed behaviors, it comes as no surprise that establishing and maintaining healthy romantic relationships can be super difficult. And backing that up is one study that found that those with unresolved childhood attachment issues are twice as likely to report having a hard time.

We all want love. And yet people have so many problems attracting love, keeping love, staying in love, and it’s always because they have emotional blocks to love again.

— Marisa Peer, trainer of Mindvalley’s Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapy for Abundance Quest

So while mommy issues may be a casual term thrown around in conversations, understanding the deeper attachment issues they represent is really important to building healthy, fulfilling connections in your adult life.

Signs of mommy issues

If you’re unsure if mommy issues are playing a role in your love life, here are some signs to look out for:

• Trust issues and fear of abandonment due to inconsistent care in childhood.
• Overly reliant on your partner or friends for validation and support.
• Experience anxious or avoidant attachment styles, leading to unstable relationships.
• Persistent self-doubt and a lack of confidence, which can stem from critical or neglectful parenting.
• Struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

“We learn what we live,” says Marisa. And it’s what you lived through in your childhood that gave you these scarcity beliefs.

Mommy issues in men

Men and women often have different societal expectations and individual experiences. For men, they could have the following mommy issues:

• Struggle to open up and be vulnerable.
• Seek validation from female figures or unconsciously look for a partner who fills the family role of a caretaker.
• Find it difficult to form deep emotional connections.
• Display controlling behavior.
• Is clingy or shows detachment.

There are plenty of examples of this in pop culture. Take Harvey Spector from Suits, for instance. His long-standing beef with his mother leads him to have emotional detachment from Scottie, be incredibly clingy with Donna, be a bully with Louis, and continuously seek validation from Jessica.

Mommy issues in women

Women with mommy issues show different (but equally) challenging behaviors. Here are a few common signs:

• Low self-esteem and difficulty with self-belief.
• People-pleasing tendencies.
• Difficulty trusting men.
• Avoid confrontation and struggle with assertiveness.
• Replicate the same patterns with your own children or partners.

You can see these behaviors in In Her Shoes’ Maggie Sullivan. She constantly seeks attention from men, often engaging in risky or inappropriate behavior to get it. Her impulsive and reckless nature could be a way to act out against a perceived lack of love or attention from her mother. All this puts strain on her relationship with her sister, Rose.

Mommy vs. daddy issues

“Oh, she has daddy issues,” we might joke. “It’s just his mommy issues,” we might point out. 

The thing is, though, while the two parental relationships do share similarities, there are differences when it comes to mommy vs. daddy issues.

Here’s a closer look at both side by side:

As Marisa points out in her Mindvalley Quest, “The mind loves what is familiar.” It’ll continually go back to what you know unless you do the inner child work and break free to build healthier, more loving relationships.

How to know if you have mommy issues

Your love life may be stuck on repeat with unavailable partners. So how can you be sure that you have mommy issues and that it’s not some other repressed childhood trauma?

The mind loves what is familiar.

— Marisa Peer, trainer of Mindvalley’s Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapy for Abundance Quest

Sure, there are the classic signs, like constantly seeking unavailable partners. But there’s a way to dig a little deeper.

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

• Do you find yourself drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable or overly controlling?
• Do you react strongly to criticism, feeling devastated or overly defensive?
• Are there specific situations that trigger intense emotions, such as feeling rejected or overlooked?
• How do you handle conflicts? Avoiding them or becoming overly confrontational?
• Do you struggle with self-worth and constantly compare yourself to others?

You can get further insights by taking a mommy issues test (there are plenty of them online). It can help you pinpoint how your past might be influencing your present.

It’s about your belief system, according to Marisa. Remember, she says that your mind “wants to actually go back to what is familiar.”

However, when you’re aware of the patterns and what you think to be true, you can take the steps to rewrite the love story (and ditch the unnecessary drama) for a happier you.

How to cope with mommy issues

Confronting mommy issues isn’t about laying the blame on the mother. Nor is it shaming oneself. Rather, it’s understanding how childhood experiences might play out in relationships.

This newfound awareness empowers you to take control and rewrite the script for a more fulfilling love life. Here’s how to tackle those mommy issues head-on:

If you have them

So, you’ve identified some mommy issues—what now? The good news is, healing is totally possible when you’re open to making changes in your life.

“Stop playing that old part,” says Marisa. “Someone gave it to you; now you can give it back.”

And here are some action steps you can take to do so:

• Therapy. Working with a therapist can help you understand and address the root causes of your issues. Therapies like Marisa’s Rapid Transformational Therapy® (RTT®) can be particularly effective.
• Journaling. Take time to reflect on your experiences can help you identify patterns in your relationships and emotional triggers that might be linked to your childhood.
• Healthy relationships can provide the love and support you might have craved from your mother.
• Self-care. Prioritize activities that nourish your mental and emotional well-being, whether it’s spending time in nature, taking a relaxing bath, or pursuing a creative hobby.
• Learn. The more you understand mommy issues, the more empowered you become to develop new perspectives and overcome them.

While all these are crucial, in some cases, having a talk with your mom (no matter how challenging) could be a powerful step towards healing. 

No need for a grand apology; simply acknowledging your feelings and setting boundaries can be a form of closure.

If your partner has them

If it’s your partner who has mommy issues, then you may be familiar with how challenging the relationship can get. Here’s how you can navigate it while keeping your own well-being in check:

• Be supportive. Therapy can be a game-changer, so encourage them to seek professional help.
• Set healthy boundaries to protect your emotional health. This prevents your partner from falling into codependency or using weaponized incompetence. What’s more, it allows them to take ownership of their healing journey.
• Talk it out—openly, honestly, and without judgment—about any issues that arise.
• Be patient and understanding as your partner works through their past.
• Educate yourself so you can better understand what your partner is experiencing. This knowledge can help you navigate challenges with more compassion.

The truth is, as Marisa points out, love doesn’t have to be earned. “It is not something you run after or pursue or pay for or coerce people to give to you,” she explains.

Instead, love is an exchange. “It’s something you do with someone who’s worthy of your love, and that lets you know that you are worthy of their love.”

Heal. Rise. Thrive.

Understanding your mommy issues is, no doubt, a powerful first step. However, healing takes action.

That’s where Marisa Peer’s FREE masterclass, The 5 Steps to Reprogram Your Mind for Abundance, comes in. It’s a prelude to her Mindvalley Quest, but you’ll experience a powerful technique used by Olympians and CEOs to unlock abundance in wealth, health, and love.

Eighty-five minutes is all you need. Ditch the negative patterns. Rewire your subconscious mind. Attract the love you deserve.

Welcome in.