Why We Shouldn’t “Forgive And Forget”

Why we shouldn't forgive and forget
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You’ve probably been told at some point:

Forgive and forget. Let the past be the past. Let bygones be bygones…

Alas, they are all common sayings in our society. But if taken to heart, they can be quite disempowering.

Yes, forgiving others is one of the most empowering acts of kindness. Just a single act of forgiveness can increase your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing, as well as greatly lift the spirits of those around you.

You can’t change the past, but with forgiveness you can change your meaning of the past and how you feel about it.

But when it comes to the philosophy of “forgive and forget,” truly forgetting people’s harmful actions can be highly destructive.

Lesson On “Forgive And Forget” From Lion King

The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.

— Rafiki, after he bops Simba on the head with his stick in The Lion King

Why you shouldn't forgive and forget

If you don’t remember this powerful scene with Rafiki and Simba, you can watch it here.

The Lion King is a profound and relatable example of what’s wrong with the phrase “forgive and forget.”

Our hero, Simba, spent his childhood and adolescence running from his painful past and trying to forget the death of his father at the hands (ehem, paws) of his uncle.

He attempts to escape his hurtful memories and past trauma by isolating himself from lion-society (with his easy-going friends, Timon the meerkat and Pumbaa the warthog). However, eventually, he experiences a catharsis that inspires him to confront his painful past, forgive, and return to lion-society.

In this catharsis, he stops running from his past, confronts it, and learns valuable lessons in forgiving both himself and his uncle. Simba ultimately grows from the experience to become the Lion King.

The moral of the story is quite clear and applicable to real life: 

Forgetting your pain can seem easy, but it catches up to you. Confronting past pain with forgiveness is the only true path to personal growth.

So Disney was spot-on with this one, but how can you forgive —but not forget— in real life?

How To Forgive, But Not Forget


how to forgive but not forget

In order to forgive, but not forget, we must be able to balance forgiveness with remembering the past. On the surface, this can seem like a task in cognitive dissonance (holding two opposing ideas at once).

Now, you may be thinking, “Isn’t it better to forgive and forget in order to let go of any painful memories? How is it even possible to forgive someone and move on, yet remember their actions and the pain they caused?”

The answer is rooted in zen philosophy.

Acknowledging the past is an essential part of truly forgiving someone. If we forget our pain, there is simply nothing to forgive (and nothing to grow from).

The zen way is to realize pain and damage are only momentary if we can change our perspective and find a way to grow from it. Instead of remembering how much pain you felt, you can remember how you grew from the experience of forgiving the person who caused you that pain.

That cop who pulled you over and made you late for work? With forgiveness, that cop could be a great lesson in patience.

The man who tried to steal your phone? If you forgive him and attempt to understand his suffering, he can be a terrific teacher of charity.

The coworker who always belittles you? If you forgive their comments and look deeper they can be a positive affirmation of your tact and your ability to empathize with the pain of others.

When you transform the painful moments in your life into wisdom through forgiveness, you will never want to forget about any of it. You can turn that sh*t into compost, baby.

But above all, never forget to forgive.

When we respond to our pain and suffering with love, understanding, and acceptance — for ourselves, as well as for others — over time can let go of our anger, even when we’ve been hurt to the core. But that doesn’t mean we ever forget.

— Sharon Salzberg, Real Love: The Art Of Mindful Connection

To learn more about how to forgive others (and yourself), the true power of forgiveness, and much more, read our guide on all things forgiveness.


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What acts of forgiveness have you turned into memorable and meaningful teachings? Share with us in the comments!

Natasha Wanderly

Natasha is a happy no-mad with a love for living lucidly, dancing with fire, and talking to strangers. From living with Shamans in the Amazon to studying hieroglyphs in Egypt, she is always on some type of adventure. Every day, she wakes up with two goals: 1.) Be here 2.) Be love.

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