Think of a time you’ve been hurt. Perhaps a fender bender on your new car, a breakup, a co-worker started a nasty rumor, you lost a loved one, or — darker still — you were abused.
You try washing the pain away by mentally fixing what has happened. You try to give it meaning — why did it happen? What did you do wrong? Could you, should you, and would you have done something differently?
When we seek advice, we’re often told to “forgive and forget.” But it’s easier said than done.
Here’s what the mindset entails:
- What Does It Mean to “Forgive and Forget”?
- How Forgiveness Affects Your Brain
- How to Forgive and Forget
Granted, it takes a lot of effort to do so and the reality is, it’s more complicated than a cut-and-dry. But science shows that forgiveness can positively affect your brain, consequently making it easier to forget.
What Does It Mean to “Forgive and Forget”?
Forgiveness is one thing and forgetting is another. But together, “forgive and forget” essentially boils down to this: making the conscious decision to stop blaming those who hurt you and refuse your memory of their wrongdoing to influence your future.
To truly embrace this mindset, it’s important to understand the difference between forgiving and forgetting, in addition to how each benefits you.
- Forgive. This aspect signifies the release of anger and resentment. You understand that everyone is imperfect — we all have moments when we’re selfish, vindictive, or cruel.
- Forget. Memories of pain and trauma aren’t entirely ever forgotten. However, you can allow yourself the liberation of continuously remembering the offense so you can fully move past it.
What’s more, if it’s you that’s hurting you, then learning how to forgive yourself and letting go will help unshackle from prolonged negative emotions.
As Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani, co-founder of Mindvalley, says, “If you are upset with someone, if you are angry with someone, if you hold a grudge against someone, the only person who is suffering is you. Just you.”
How Forgiveness Affects Your Brain
When we’ve been hurt, the emotions that rise up activate the amygdala — the part of the brain associated with feelings of fear, anxiety, and anger. It also works with the hypothalamus to initiate the fight-or-flight response.
That’s useful when you’re in a life-or-death situation. However, if you’re constantly replaying the memory and allowing yourself to feel those negative emotions, it triggers the fight-or-flight response and your body reacts as if it were in a dangerous situation.
Cleveland Clinic notes that “living in a prolonged state of high alert and stress (when there isn’t any real reason for it) can be detrimental to your physical and mental health.”
This is where the power of forgiveness can help.
Forgiveness and your brain
In a 2008 study on the neurochemistry of forgiving and forgetting, the researchers looked into how the participants reacted to betrayal in a simple money game. The participants were given either a dose of oxytocin (the chemical associated with the feeling of trust) or a placebo.
The results showed that for those who received oxytocin, there was a drop in activity in the amygdala, decreasing the fear of betrayal.
Another study looked at MRI scans of the brain as the participants thought about forgiveness. The researchers found that “granting forgiveness was associated with activations in a brain network involved in theory of mind, empathy, and the regulation of effect through cognition.”
Simply put, when you allow yourself to forgive, you understand that other people have feelings, too, so you attempt to empathize with them. What’s more, it also helps you access higher levels of consciousness.
A look at the effects of forgiveness on brain waves
Your brain’s electrical activity produces five types of brain waves (also known as frequencies), in order of highest to lowest:
- Gamma (above 40 Hz): The Insight Wave
- Beta (14 – 40 Hz): The Waking Consciousness and Reason Wave
- Alpha (7.5 – 14 Hz): The Deep Relaxation Wave
- Theta (4 – 7.5 Hz): The Meditation and Sleeping Wave
- Delta (0.5 – 4 Hz): The Deep Sleep Wave
Higher frequency brain waves (like gamma and beta) are associated with higher levels of stress and alertness. On the other side of the spectrum, lower brain waves (like alpha, theta, and delta) are associated with intuition, relaxation, and creativity.
Many of us go through everyday life functioning in the beta-level brain wave. However, when you consciously forgive, you pull yourself out of the angry, fear-based beta state and begin to enter the alpha brainwave state.
Why is the alpha state the place to be?
Because it’s thought to be the key to inspiration, genius-level intelligence, peak performance, balanced emotional capacity, increased immunity, and total control of our minds.
If you can access the alpha wave frequency at a conscious waking level, you tend to be more relaxed. You tend to be more chill. In fact, when you’re meditating, that’s exactly what you’re doing.
— Vishen, founder of Mindvalley and author of The 6 Phase Meditation Method
An example of those in a continual alpha brain wave state are monks. Through their meditation practices, they train their brains to operate on another level and can have a deep sense of forgiveness (among other virtues, of course).
So, it’s time to make like a monk and forgive.
How to Forgive and Forget
Speaking of monks, one of the best practices to learn how to forgive and forget when someone hurts you is through meditation. And the 6 Phase Meditation, a science-backed method developed by Vishen, founder of Mindvalley, is one of the most powerful ones out there.
One phase, in particular, focuses on — what else — forgiveness. “This process comes from multiple scientists and neuroscientists I interviewed who have been studying forgiveness as a way to create better brainwave states,” says Vishen.
So here’s how it goes.
The 6 Phase Meditation: Forgiveness
- Identify the person or act you’re choosing to forgive. If you’re just starting out with the 6 Phase Meditation, begin with a fairly simple one, like someone who cut you off on the freeway or the waiter who messed up your order. As you develop your forgiveness muscles, you can move up to someone or something that truly caused you a world of pain.
- Create the space. Although this meditation is a mental exercise, it helps create a safe and comfortable space for you. Decide where you’re going to forgive this person.
- Read the charges. Imagine facing the person. Let them know what they did wrong and how they hurt you.
- Feel the anger and pain. Now comes the tricky part — allow yourself to feel the pain in all its glory. But only for a minute or two, Vishen advises. And then, stop.
- Think of what you’ve learned in the event. It’s either a lesson or a blessing (or, in some instances, both). Reflect on how much stronger you are now because of it.
- Think about how the other person may have been hurt in the past. Walk a mile in their shoes is the idea here. Try to look at the hurt in their past that led them to be the person who wronged you.
- See it from their eyes. This step is all about empathy. See it from their point of view and understand why they did what they did.
- Forgive into love. Imagine them coming to you, and you hugging them and forgiving them with love.
Sure, this practice takes more effort than looking up ‘forgive and forget quotes’ on Google. But in the wise words of Buddhist Monk Gelong Thubten, “Meditation helps us forgive our thoughts. We’re learning unconditional love for our own minds.”
Let Your ‘Forgive and Forget’ Do the Talking
True forgiveness requires balance — to be able to recall an experience, yet not get triggered by it. It’s the ability to let go of ego-based perceptions, like resentment and revenge. It’s also the ability to realize that the pain you feel is only momentary if you allow yourself to change your perspective and find a way to grow from it.
Like the person who gave your new car a fender bender? With forgiveness, it can be a great lesson in patience.
The coworker who spread rumors about you? If you forgive him with the theory of mind, he can be a terrific teacher of benevolence.
The person who ruined your self-esteem? If you use forgiveness for yourself and face your triggers, it’ll help build resilience, strength, and courage that you never knew you had before.
And if you want to learn to harness the power of forgiveness, you can turn to Vishen, founder of Mindvalley and author of The 6 Phase Meditation Method. With his guidance, you may just find yourself elevated to new heights of spiritual and emotional growth.
