Remember that scene from Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone’s character crosses her legs? Or Fabio on those covers of romance novels? Oh!—the allure, the boldness, the sexual confidence.
These portrayals of erotic self-assurance can leave you thinking, “Wow!” On the flip side, though, they can make anyone feel a little lost or even behind the curve.
The good news is, sexual confidence is less about crossing legs, showing off your manly physique, or even your bedroom performance. It’s more about the internal—being comfortable with your body, knowing your own self-worth, knowing how to communicate your desires, and having a healthy attitude towards sex.
Sure, it has to do with sexual activities and relationships. However, it also extends to how you carry yourself.
“Your brain, your largest and most important sexual organ, is where desire and arousal begin,” Dr. Amy Killen, a leading anti-aging and regenerative physician and the trainer of Mindvalley’s The Science of Great Sex, explains. And with her expertise, along with that of other Mindvalley trainers, it’s possible to build and boost your sexual confidence.
What does sexual confidence look like?
Imagine feeling completely at ease with yourself, emanating a glow that comes from a deep-seated sense of self-acceptance and understanding of your desires and boundaries. That is the essence of sexual confidence.
Don’t be mistaken; it does have to do with sexual activities and relationships. But it also extends to how you carry yourself.
It manifests differently in everyone, of course. But shaping your personal understanding of this concept is like carving out a unique path in a dense forest—a bit daunting but wholly necessary.
For women
Feeling good about yourself can sometimes be tough, especially when it comes to private, intimate moments.
One thing that can help a lot is liking small things about yourself—like enjoying your own smile, the look of your eyes, or the shape of your lips. Actually, a study from 2018 said that these little things can matter more than being happy with your whole body.
Building on that, it’s really important to push away the hard standards often seen in movies or ads. It’s okay to not meet everyone’s expectations and just be yourself.
Layla Martin, the founder of the VITA™ Coaching Method and trainer of Mindvalley’s Neo-Tantra Quest, knows a lot about this. She suggests, “When you change the emotional tone, you start having positive feelings towards your body and sexuality, and this builds a deeper confidence.”
What does that mean in simple terms? Loving and respecting yourself can lead to better experiences and choices in your intimate life.
So, feeling sexually confident isn’t about changing your body. It’s about loving what is uniquely yours, having the courage to awaken your inner sex goddess, and being yourself in intimate moments, free from the pressure of outside voices.
For men
Feeling good about yourself isn’t always straightforward, especially with so many mixed messages from society about how men “should” be. It’s like walking on a tightrope between being the tough, “macho” guy and being open to showing vulnerability.
According to a big study in Europe on sexual confidence, most people—nearly 94%—believe that it’s vital for a man to have sexual confidence to have good sex. Moreover, feeling good in the bedroom can lead to being more satisfied in life in general.
Interestingly, about 79% said being able to satisfy their partner was a big factor in a man’s sexual confidence. Also, one in three people linked it to physical stuff, like having a strong erection and reaching orgasm.
“All lack of confidence comes from being stuck in your head instead of being present in the moment,” as the late Psalm Isadora, a sexuality and intimacy expert, said. (Unfortunately, Psalm passed away in 2017 but her teachings are still available on Mindvalley’s Tantra Touch Quest.)
It’s a great and gentle reminder that to reclaim your sexual power, you must be in the here and now, rather than getting lost in doubts or fears.
How to build sexual confidence
Having sexual confidence is one of the many benefits of sex. And everyone has to start somewhere.
If you feel like you’re starting from scratch, here’s how to gain sexual confidence with some great insights from Mindvalley trainers:
1. Self-acceptance
Learning to love and appreciate your body, with all its unique features, is a foundational step in building sexual confidence. Research has increasingly shown that individuals who have a positive body image and appreciate their bodies tend to have more positive sexual experiences.
The unfortunate part is, according to Sheila Kelley, a feminine embodiment leader and trainer of Mindvalley’s Becoming Irresistibly Sexy Quest, is, “we live in a world that thinks it has the right to tell you how to live in your body,” like what it can and can’t do or how it does or doesn’t express itself. And this can lead to insecurities and a feeling of disconnect from your own temple.
That’s why self-acceptance matters. It’s recognizing and loving the small details about yourself. Your smile or the sparkle in your eyes—these are some great places to start.
Insight from Sheila Kelley:
When you put boundaries into place and use them daily, you’re gonna feel so much more bold, free, and confident. — @thesheilakelley Share on X2. Communication
It goes without saying, good communication forms the bedrock of satisfying relationships. Studies have shown that couples who communicate well have better sexual intimacy.
“What’s great about this is that you are not just limited by luck,” explains Bibi Brzozka, a conscious sexuality coach and trainer of Mindvalley’s Waves of Pleasure Quest, “but you are actually in charge of creating this perfect lover for yourself.”
So openly share your desires and be willing to listen to your partner. This can foster deeper connections and improve satisfaction in intimate settings.
Insight from Bibi Brzozka:
Your pleasure is your responsibility. So be proactive about it and ask for what you want. — Bibi Brzozka Share on X3. Education
Understanding sexual health and well-being is fundamental. Consider reading up on scientific research or attending workshops to expand your knowledge.
The more you know, the more confident you’ll feel in navigating sexual experiences.
Insight from Dr. Amy Killen:
Understanding how your body works is an important step on this pathway toward optimizing your biology. Because if you don’t know how it currently works, how can you make it better? — @KillenMd Share on X4. Meditation
Connecting with your body through mindfulness meditation can enhance your self-awareness and, ultimately, your sexual experiences.
“There’s also an internal balance of masculine and feminine energy inside each of us. So how can you balance your masculine and feminine energies inside yourself?” Psalm highlights in her Mindvalley Quest. “For men, learning how to receive and to give that energy back. And for women, also, learning that they can open their hearts, receive, and give that energy back.”
Research indicates that mindfulness can help improve sexual function and reduce sexual distress. And practicing it can help you feel more relaxed and in tune during intimate moments
Insight from Psalm Isadora:
Just doing the KISS meditation, you’ll notice that sometimes you go more into feeling and sometimes you go more into observing. — @PsalmIsadora Share on X5. Patience
Building confidence is a gradual process. It’s important to give yourself the time and space to grow and learn at your own pace.
Remember, it’s not a race, and everyone has their own journey to sexual confidence. Patience can lead to more fulfilling experiences in the long run.
Insight from Bibi Brzozka:
If you want to feel pleasure, you have to open yourself up to feel more and to feel everything. — Bibi Brzozka Share on XHow to boost sexual confidence
Already on your path to self-discovery but feel like gaining back sexual confidence? Whether you’re looking to amplify your experiences or just get back into the rhythm, here’s how you take it up a notch.
1. Affirmations
Make it a daily practice to use sexual confidence affirmations. And as studies show, repeating these affirmations daily can significantly increase self-esteem over time.
“You need to be very descriptive about what you tell your mind to do,” explains Marisa Peer, creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy® (RTT®) and trainer of Mindvalley’s Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapy for Abundance Quest.
So create a personal mantra that rings true for you and sparks your inner power.
Insight from Marisa Peer:
Use positive words, and you will have positive outcomes. — @MarisaPeer Share on X2. Adventure
Dare to step out of your comfort zone. Surprise your partner occasionally with something new and exciting, encouraging spontaneity in your relationship.
Experimentation can bring a fresh wave of excitement, increase libido, and potentially improve relationship satisfaction.
Insight from Psalm Isadora:
Sex is really about connection, and what is sexy is being in the moment. And what's really sexy is feeling good. — @PsalmIsadora Share on X3. Connect
Work on deepening the emotional bond with your partner, and a great place to start is through conscious body language. Whether it’s maintaining eye contact, touching softly, or understanding each other’s physical cues, non-verbal communication can be incredibly powerful.
“Love is the unspoken universal language around the world,” Linda Clemons, a non-verbal communication expert, says in her Body Language for Dating & Attraction Quest on Mindvalley. “The non-verbal cues through our gestures, posture, and facial expression span all cultures.”
Spend quality time indulging in activities that promote understanding and intimacy. Engaging in deep, meaningful conversations, coupled with attentive body language, can foster a more connected and harmonious relationship.
Insight from Linda Clemons:
Your words are a small part. It doesn’t matter what you say. Your nonverbals will get in the way. — @LindaClemons Share on X4. Self-care
Make self-care a regular part of your routine. This goes beyond just physical well-being; it is about nurturing a positive image of yourself, embracing your body, and celebrating your individuality.
Dedicating time to self-care can not only elevate your self-esteem but also aid in overcoming your fear of intimacy, paving the way for a confident sexual life.
Insight from Bibi Brzozka:
When you make it a habit to slow down and relax and intentionally focus on the here and now through your senses, you’ll feel a transformation that’ll make you never want to go back. — Bibi Brzozka Share on X5. Reflect
Reflection, when paired with mindfulness practices, can totally change your sexual confidence game. Consider this: researcher Lori Brotto demonstrated that mindfulness in sexual experiences could amplify attraction toward your partner by an astonishing rate, increasing satisfaction by up to 60%.
This is where reflection steps in, enhancing the benefits of mindfulness by helping you rediscover how to feel sexy and fully appreciate your intimate moments. By dedicating time to consciously reflect on your experiences, you gradually foster a deeper understanding and a more fulfilling sexual life.
Insight from Layla Martin:
It can take more than just a single practice to find that love… Do it as many times as you need to find the love that you know your body is worthy of. — @TheLaylaMartin Share on X
Awaken your unstoppable
Sexual confidence is, well, sexy. And when you’re able to turn it on, you may just find yourself on an exploration not only of a thriving sex life but also of a life where self-love and self-respect are ingrained in your subconscious.
It’s like Layla says in her Mindvalley Quest: “When we unlock our sexual power, instead of these boogie men coming and horrible things happening, we actually just fall in love with ourselves and become magnetic, radiant, and more able to create lasting love and passion in relationships.”
If you want to get more than just tips (pun intended), you can learn from the experts at Mindvalley:
- The Science of Great Sex Quest with Dr. Amy Killen, where you’ll get science-based solutions to a more vibrant sex life;
- Tantra Touch Quest with Psalm Isadora, where you’ll find how to overcome disempowering beliefs, shame, and even trauma surrounding sex and sexuality;
- Neo-Tantra Quest with Layla Martin, where you’ll discover the benefits of full-body energy orgasms so you can find pleasure over and over and over again;
- Becoming Irresistibly Sexy Quest with Sheila Kelley, a female-centric program where you’ll learn to reclaim your body;
- Waves of Pleasure Quest with Bibi Brzozka, another female-centric program where you’ll explore how to open yourself to deeper self-love and greater orgasms;
- Body Language for Dating & Attraction with Linda Clemons, a program made for women where you’ll learn to connect with people and get anyone’s attention; and
- So much more.
Want to sample these quests? When you sign up for a Mindvalley account, you can access the first few lessons—for FREE. And not only that, but you’ll also get daily meditations to help boost your confidence.
The reality is, when you tap into the true power of your pleasure, you unleash the fearless sexual self you are.
Welcome in.
