Red flags in relationships can be blatantly obvious. But, sometimes, they can be the quiet, creeping moments that leave you second-guessing yourself.
The problem with either one? Most people either miss them entirely or write them off as “not that serious” until they’ve spiraled into something toxic.
“People behave badly,” says Katherine Woodward Thomas, the bestselling author of Calling in “The One” and trainer of the Mindvalley program with the same name. And doing nothing doesn’t solve a thing.
If anything, it makes your situation worse… unless you take a stand and do something to protect your well-being.
What are red flags in a relationship?
Red flags are warning signs that signal potential problems you shouldn’t ignore. In relationships, they often point to deeper issues that, if brushed aside, can lead to conflict, emotional distress, low self-esteem, or toxic patterns.
“Red flags in a relationship are clear indicators that unhealthy behaviors exist,” Dr. Virginia Marie Love, Ph.D., Div.D., M.Msc. (better known as Dr. Gin), an intuitive psychotherapist and relationship and trauma specialist, explains to Pulse. “While they range in severity, they are valuable warnings of what may lie ahead, providing warnings of maladaptive, and even dangerous, traits in a potential partner.”
Sometimes, it’s as obvious as domestic violence. Other times, it’s more subtle, like weaponized incompetence. Either way, as Katherine points out, you might start bending over backward just to avoid setting them off.
“You find yourself operating from an underlying sense of anxiety or from a burdensome sense of obligation or you feel guilty not doing what they want you to do,” she says in her Mindvalley program. So much so that most Americans (55%) believe unhappy couples often stay in bad marriages longer than they should.
“That toxic combination of fear, obligation, and guilt characterizes these very unhealthy relational dynamics,” Katherine adds. And the truth is, staying silent about those red flags only teaches you to shrink while the problem grows louder.
The impact of missed red flags can cause a plethora of wounds to be healed that can require years.
— Dr. Virginia Marie Love, Ph.D., Div.D., M.Msc., intuitive psychotherapist and relationship and trauma specialist
Red flags vs. yellow flags vs. green flags
Chances are, you’ve heard of red and green flags in a relationship. But the yellow ones? They deserve some spotlight, too.
Think of the three like traffic lights: red means stop—there’s danger ahead. Yellow signals caution, urging you to slow down and pay attention. Green? That’s your sign to move forward into something safe and healthy.
Here are a few real-life examples of each one:
Red flags:
- Your partner calls you “crazy” when you express a concern and refuse to have a conversation about it (gaslighting).
- They get angry or sulk whenever you want to spend time with friends, trying to isolate you from your support system (controlling behavior).
- During an argument, they yell at you or call you names, crossing basic boundaries of respect.
Yellow flags:
- You notice they avoid deep conversations about future plans, like whether they want kids or how they view finances (lack of communication).
- They cancel plans with little explanation, leaving you feeling like an afterthought.
- You’re starting to realize your goals—like wanting to travel the world—don’t match theirs. They prefer a more settled life.
Green flags:
- When you bring up an issue, they actively listen, ask questions, and work with you to find a solution (open communication).
- They respect your boundaries, like when you say you need space after a stressful day.
- You feel safe expressing your authentic self, knowing they’ll accept you as you are (emotional safety).
The point of these flags? They’re signals for how you might need to respond.
Red flags need boundaries, yellow flags need conversations, and green flags remind you what healthy love should feel like.
And when you’re able to recognize and distinguish them, it’ll help you tell the difference between a rough patch in your relationship and a toxic pattern.
Silent flags
Now, here’s a flag that’s colorless… but just as important to know. Why? Because they’re subtle and they’re easily overlooked. And this makes them trickier to spot.
They’re often the precursors to red flags, signaling underlying issues that could grow into toxic patterns if ignored. For example, emotional distance might start as a silent flag but could turn into stonewalling (a red flag) if it leads to emotional shutdown and avoidance of conflict.
However, not all silent flags are harmful. Some could be signs of personal stress or unresolved emotions that, when addressed openly (a green flag), don’t threaten the relationship.
So, what do quiet warning signs actually look like? Here are a few silent red flags in a relationship:
- They seem emotionally distant without a clear reason.
- Tough conversations keep getting avoided or brushed aside.
- Their effort feels inconsistent—warm one day, cold the next, leaving you unsure where you stand.
- They avoid taking accountability, with mistakes left unaddressed and apologies feeling half-hearted.
- They make decisions without your input but frame it as “no big deal.”
The thing is, silent flags might not feel urgent. But they can quietly erode emotional trust over time if left unaddressed.
20 common relationship red flags
You feel it—something’s off. But what exactly?
“Being aware of red flags and having faith in your set boundaries and inner knowings can prevent you from wasting valuable time in a relationship that bears no lasting benefit,” says Dr. Gin.
…Like getting stuck in the unhealthy dynamics of the drama triangle, for instance. Or being fully committed to someone with an anxious attachment style (without understanding their needs or working on healthy communication).
As much as we think that we can just get rid of ‘toxic people,’ the truth is that it’s not really their toxicity that’s hurting us the most. It’s how toxic we become in relationship to them that’s actually the most destructive to us.
— Katherine Woodward Thomas, trainer of Mindvalley’s Calling in “The One” program
Even when everything seems fine on the surface, research reveals that hostility, poor communication, and emotional inconsistency can be early warning signs of deeper issues. So learn to spot them early, and you’ll stop mistaking red flags for connection.
Red flags in men
Understanding red flags in a relationship with a man can help you set healthier boundaries before issues escalate. Here are some to look out for:
- Avoids emotional vulnerability or shuts down during tough conversations.
- Dismisses your feelings as “overreacting” or “too sensitive.”
- Struggles to take accountability, often shifting blame.
- Uses love bombing early in the relationship, then pulls back suddenly.
- Struggles with consistency—affectionate one day, distant the next.
- Displays controlling behavior, even disguised as “protectiveness.”
- Flirts with boundaries, like making jokes at your expense.
- Overly critical of your appearance, choices, or achievements.
- Keeps ex-relationships in the shadows or avoids discussing past patterns.
- Prioritizes ego over emotional connection.
Red flags in women
Not all emotional tension points to red flags in a relationship with a woman, but some behaviors shouldn’t be ignored. So watch out for these signs:
- Uses emotional withdrawal to punish or control situations.
- Crosses personal boundaries but expects hers to be respected.
- Plays the victim to avoid accountability.
- Engages in passive-aggressive communication instead of direct conversations.
- Over-idealizes the relationship early on (fantasy bonding).
- Uses guilt or obligation to influence decisions.
- Displays jealousy masked as protectiveness.
- Lacks emotional regulation skills, leading to frequent mood swings.
- Talks negatively about all past partners without self-reflection.
- Tests loyalty through mind games instead of honest conversations.
How to deal with red flags in a relationship: 5 tips from Mindvalley’s relationship expert
Red flags in a relationship can leave you questioning your emotional safety.
“As much as we think that we can just get rid of ‘toxic people,’ the truth is that it’s not really their toxicity that’s hurting us the most,” Katherine highlights. “It’s how toxic we become in relationship to them that’s actually the most destructive to us.”
So when you start to notice those red flags, it’s imperative you know how to stay centered, protect your emotional well-being, and avoid falling into destructive patterns. And Katherine has some great tips on how.
1. Acknowledge subtle toxic dynamics
“They sulk, they manipulate, they attack,” Katherine points out. “They try to hold you hostage to their unreasonable or unhealthy demands.”
Sure, everyone has tough days, but when toxic relationship signs come up over and over and over again? That can do a number on your mental health.
If something feels off, don’t brush it aside. Call it what it is—manipulation, control, avoidance—so you’re not gaslighting yourself.
And if it keeps happening, speak up. Use clear, firm communication about what you will and won’t tolerate, no over-explaining required. After all, there is a healthy way to handle conflict when you understand both your fight languages.
Bottom line? Don’t let red flags pile up. Whether loud or quiet, address them early—emotional safety is non-negotiable.
2. Identify and own your patterns
Ever feel like you’re dating the same person, just in different outfits? You keep getting involved with emotionally unavailable people… Everyone always leaves… You’re never the one chosen… Or you’ve spent years on your own without anyone asking you out.
That’s your pattern showing up. And there’s a reason your love life feels stuck on reruns: your beliefs, habits, and emotional triggers are playing on repeat, creating the same relationship problems yet again.
“Usually when the pattern happens again, we make it mean something about us—that we’re somehow unworthy of love or that others don’t find us attractive, or that our love life is somehow cursed,” Katherine explains.
She suggests spotting the themes. Ask yourself: Are you drawn to emotionally unavailable people? Overgiving just to feel needed?
Keep in mind that this isn’t about self-blame. It’s about getting curious, not critical.
When you see your patterns clearly, you stop being a passive player in your own love life. And that? Total power move.
3. Stop enabling unhealthy behavior
You’re not a therapist. And you shouldn’t have to shrink yourself just to keep someone else comfortable.
If you’re constantly walking on eggshells or changing your behavior to avoid setting someone off, that’s emotional hostage-taking. And it’s not your job to play peacekeeper while ignoring your own needs.
“You’re now challenged to increase the well-being and the field between yourself and them,” Katherine says. “You need to do that knowing full well the other person will likely not change. But it’s not them that needs to change. It’s actually you.”
Instead of staying stuck in the cycle, learn how to respond to gaslighting, love bombing, and other manipulative behaviors by getting crystal clear on what’s actually happening.
If someone twists the facts or downplays your feelings, trust your instincts—write things down, reflect on the situation, and check in with someone you trust. Clarity is power.
4. Set and honor boundaries
Setting up boundaries in a relationship isn’t to keep your partner out. They’re a way to say, “I value myself too much to let this slide.” They’re also your ultimate filter for spotting red flags early.
“We need to have our boundaries respected,” Katherine highlights. Mutual respect matters—a lot. Studies show it’s a key part of setting boundaries and building healthier, more secure relationships.
But here’s the thing: they only work when you stick to them, not backpedaling or softening the message just to keep someone comfortable.
So be clear, be direct, and be unapologetic about your emotional health. If someone can’t respect that? It’s not your job to shrink; it’s their job to rise.
5. Release past patterns
Emotional baggage? We all have it.
The problem comes when old wounds start running the show. If you’re people-pleasing, self-abandoning, or bending yourself into emotional origami to keep the peace, it’s time for a pattern reset.
“Most of us have felt very victimized by the patterns that show up again and again,” Katherine says. “But when you begin to see your own part clearly and how you, yourself, are almost setting other people up to play out these painful stories again and again, you finally access the choice to do it differently.”
This is your permission slip to let go of the scripts that no longer serve you. Not everyone deserves unlimited emotional access. Not every relationship deserves all of your energy.
You can break the cycle. And that starts with how you show up for yourself.
Can red flags in a relationship be resolved?
That depends.
Some red flags—like love bombing or emotional manipulation—are often signs of deeper patterns that need serious self-work, not a quick fix. And, as Dr. Gin explains, “the impact of missed red flags can cause a plethora of wounds to be healed that can require years.”
On the other hand, minor issues like communication gaps or mismatched love languages? Those can be worked through if both people are open, honest, and committed to change. Emotional clarity and mutual respect are non-negotiables here.
The key? Watch for consistency. It takes time to really know someone’s character—no one reveals their true self on date three.
And if you’re feeling stuck or unsure about what’s healthy versus harmful, reaching out to a professional can be the most empowering next step.
In the end, it’s true emotional intimacy that’ll stand the test of time, which, according to Dr. Gin, “is what we all want—love that lasts.”
Heal. Rise. Thrive.
People may behave badly, as Katherine has mentioned. But that doesn’t mean the red flags in a relationship should go unnoticed.
Being aware of them can help you do something about them. So spot them early, break old patterns, and build healthier, soul-level connections.
And when you sign up for a free Mindvalley account, you can get access to transformative tools, daily meditations, and preview programs that’ll help you level up your love life, like Katherine Woodward Thomas’ Calling in “The One.”
Just ask Eve Underhill, who, through the program, discovered the power of releasing past relationship patterns. “I’ve learned that I AM ENOUGH, and I AM WORTHY of the love of my life,” she says, “where I feel safe and can give and receive unconditional love and feel totally comfortable in being my authentic self.”
Because the healthiest relationships? They start with the one you have with yourself.
Welcome in.
