First impressions matter, so it’s only natural to want to be more attractive and make an impact on others. However, many people get stuck being discontent because they believe they were dealt a “bad charisma card,” and now they can’t do anything about it.
The reality is, it’s a skill you can hone, just like any other skill. Whether it’s in dating, professional settings, or your own social circle, knowing how to be attractive is key to unlocking social acceptance.
How to be more attractive: 15 tips from Mindvalley experts
Studies prove time and again that first impressions when meeting someone are a big deal. And the best way to make a good impression is by being attractive, through your kindness, warmth, and genuine interest in the other person.
Here are tips on how to be attractive, with insights from Mindvalley experts.
1. Be aware of your nonverbal communication
Your body speaks louder than words: about 60% of communication is nonverbal, including facial expressions, body language, and voice tone.
According to Vanessa Van Edwards, a human behavior expert and trainer of Mindvalley’s Magnetic Charisma Quest, when it comes to first impressions, we often think about our opening and closing lines and our funny stories. But we often “forget to practice our body language, our non-verbal presence, our handshakes, and our spacing.”
For instance, let’s say someone asks how you’re doing. You reply, “Fine,” but in a flat voice and with your arms crossed. The signals you’re sending out? It’s obvious you’re not fine.
However, if you can master your nonverbal communication, you’ll be able to act consciously in social situations.
What you can do: The best way to start with nonverbal communication is by understanding some of the basic body language signs and cues. Then start paying attention in social situations.
Notice how others use nonverbal cues in conversations—observe their gestures, postures, and facial expressions to understand their feelings and the message they want to communicate.
2. Ask questions
The best way to signal that you are genuinely interested in another human is by asking questions. Asking questions demonstrates empathy and consideration for others’ feelings, thoughts, and perspectives.
What’s more, questions usually make great conversation starters and are a great way to break the ice. In her Mindvalley Quest, Vanessa suggests that there’s a very specific question that is the biggest tell for whether your discussant is an introvert or an extrovert. That question is, “What’s your story?“
If they can’t wait to share their life story—quite literally—then they are probably an extrovert. But if they seem too skeptical or show discomfort, then those are signs of an introvert.
What you can do: If you want to be more memorable, avoid asking things like, “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?“
Instead, try asking thought-provoking questions like, “What personal passion project are you working on?” or “What was the highlight of your day?”
3. Be aware of space zones
When it comes to interaction, be mindful of the four zones of personal space:
- The public zone is for strangers,
- The social zone is for acquaintances,
- The personal zone is for friends, and
- The intimate zone is for those closest to you.
According to Vanessa, “When we’re interacting with people, we use these space zones to gauge how comfortable we are with someone else.”
What you can do: When engaging with someone, gradually bridge these zones using appropriate gestures, touch, and leaning to convey comfort and connection.
With that in mind, don’t forget to touch in a comfortable and appropriate manner, according to cultural norms and sensitivities.
4. Create oxytocin moments
Remember that feeling when you look at or touch someone you really, truly connect with? These feelings come from oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone that enhances trust and rapport. And among its many benefits, oxytocin lowers your stress and pain response.
“We like people who give us a dose of oxytocin because we feel connected, seen, and valued,” explains Vaness. And among its many benefits, oxytocin lowers your stress and pain response.
What you can do: Eye contact and touch are the best ways to create this feel-good hormone. And here’s the kicker: You can have these oxytocin moments even from a distance.
Just saying phrases that show intimacy, such as “I’m sending you a virtual high five” or “I wish I could give you a hug,” can also produce a similar effect.
5. Use pride poses
Poses are part of our DNA. And interestingly, it’s been found that athletes make the same poses in pride and in defeat—no matter their culture, gender, or race. But what does this mean for you?
“Even though, most of the time, we want to be in high power, high confidence, we accidentally go into a defeated pose every single time we check our phone,” says Vanessa. “When we’re hunched over our phone or computer, it makes you accidentally look like you’re in shame or defeat.”
Through reverse engineering, you can actually change your feelings and the perceptions of others by changing how you pose.
What you can do: Start practicing socially acceptable pride poses. These include maintaining space between your arms and torso, keeping your torso open, and maximizing the space between your earlobe and shoulder.
6. Choose your wardrobe wisely
“Your words are a small part,” says Linda Clemons, a body language expert, in her Body Language for Dating & Attraction Quest on Mindvalley. “It doesn’t matter what you say. Your nonverbals will get in the way.”
Nonverbals, in this instance, mean the right wardrobe, which plays a big role in making a positive impression. It speaks volumes about your personality, values, and self-confidence. And according to Linda, a well-chosen wardrobe can boost your self-esteem which in turn influences how others perceive you.
What you can do: Consider your clothing, colors, and fragrances, as they all contribute to your overall image. Bright colors, especially when worn on top, invite attention and contact. In case you need more attention, you can experiment with novelty and more unusual clothing.
7. Become a tone master
While words account for only 7% of communication, tonality contributes 38% to it. Therefore, to enhance your attractiveness, be conscious of your tone and make sure it aligns with your intentions. In other words, you need to keep in mind not only what you say but also how you say it.
For example, imagine complimenting your date on their choice of outfit, but your tone is monotone and unenthusiastic. It may come across as drab and disinterested.
What you can do: To improve your tonality and enhance your attractiveness through communication, you can start practicing active listening and self-awareness.
8. Mind your hand gestures
Your nonverbal cues also include movement. These include your hand gestures.
“There are more connections between your brain and the palms of your hand than any other body part,” explains Lisa.
Open palms are usually associated with honesty and trustworthiness. And when you display your open palms during a conversation, you are signaling to others that you have nothing to hide.
On the other hand, folded hands or hidden palms may suggest deception or discomfort.
What you can do: Be mindful of your hand movements. Keep your palms open if you want to invite those you want to attract; keep them closed if you don’t.
9. Keep eye contact
Have you ever heard the phrase “The eyes are the windows to the soul”? Indeed, by observing someone’s eyes closely, you can gain insight into their true nature and feelings.
What’s more, eye contact is a body language attraction signal that shows genuine interest in the person you’re engaging with. Lisa advises, “Always initiate the eyebrow flash whenever possible, and always respond to another eyebrow unless your intention is to signal rejection.”
What you can do: Keep in mind to limit your gaze to no more than a few seconds to avoid coming across as intimidating or aggressive.
10. Use the power of a smile
Your smile is a powerful attraction tool. It’s not just about the physical act of smiling but also about the intention and emotions it expresses.
A genuine smile engages all your facial muscles, including those around your eyes, and shows all of your teeth. As Linda highlights, “Your smile is your currency in seduction; people look at your eyes, your nose, your mouth, and those 43 facial muscles that are at work.”
What you can do: Practice smiling at people, both closed-lipped and showing teeth, and see how you feel when you do so. That said, your smile should be authentic and not forced—that’s a key component to being attractive.
11. Be mindful of your self-talk
Self-talk influences your emotions, actions, and overall well-being. However, being negative can have a big impact on your self-esteem and mental health. On the other hand, positive affirmations are constructive statements that counteract all the negative self-talk.
Therefore, when it comes to mastering how to be attractive, you should replace the former with the latter.
As Paul McKenna, UK’s #1 hypnotherapist and trainer of Mindvalley’s Total Self-Confidence Quest, says, “You are constantly letting other people know how to treat you by the way you treat yourself.”
What you can do: Only by reframing your inner dialogue can you create a more positive and constructive relationship with yourself. At the end of the day, being on good terms with yourself makes you, in turn, more attractive.
12. Focus on others
“Imagine that everyone,” says Paul, “has a sign above their heads that says, ‘Make me feel important,’ and you have to act upon it.”
Because the thing is, the key to social confidence is to put the majority of your attention outside of yourself and onto the person you’re with. In order to do that, you’ll need to feel comfortable enough with yourself that you don’t have to continually monitor what’s going on with you.
What you can do: Show interest in the other person’s thoughts and interests. It’s in this way that you make them feel accepted and important.
13. Change the mental images you have of someone
The way you perceive others can significantly impact your emotional well-being and the quality of your interactions. Changing how you mentally represent people also changes how you interact with them face-to-face.
Accordingly, idealization when you’re attracted to someone, whether romantically or platonically, can lead to unrealistic expectations. On the other hand, realistic perceptions promote more authentic and fulfilling relationships.
What you can do: “Shrink down any intimidating mental images you have for someone,” Paul advises. And do so until they become manageable and less daunting.
14. Use positive associations
Anchoring positive emotions from one social situation to another is a powerful technique for boosting your confidence and attractiveness.
How it works, as Paul explains in his Mindvalley Quest, is by connecting the positive emotions (comfort, confidence, etc.) you felt in a particular social context with another situation where you didn’t feel as positive. “It harnesses the mind’s natural ability to associate emotions with experiences, allowing you to carry positive feelings into situations where they are needed most.”
What you can do: Think about the people around you who you already feel comfortable being around, like your friends or family. Then feel those feelings in your body—this creates an association between those feelings and someone you’d like to feel comfortable being with in the future.
After that, mentally rehearse being in social situations, but with, as Paul puts it, “these brand new pumped-up positive pictures.”
15. Avoid being needy
Here’s the thing: Neediness is the ultimate attraction killer. “There’s something about [it] that is off-putting even to the most generous-hearted people,” says Paul.
Like, have you ever been around someone who wanted something from you so badly that it was just getting too uncomfortable? Well, it works both ways—neediness from your side could also create an unpleasant sense of pressure on anyone you are interacting with.
What’s more, it can trigger an instinctual response in other people, causing them to distance themselves from you as a form of self-preservation.
What you can do: To seek connection and validation is only natural. But it becomes problematic when it leads to neediness.
So, instead of seeking what you can get from someone, think about what you can give to the relationship. Respect the boundaries of others without forgetting to set yours along the way.
How to Be More Attractive to Men
Attractiveness is all about confidence, personality, and a sprinkle of uniqueness. Whether you are looking for some dating advice or simply for ways to catch a man’s eye, these tips will surely help.
- Show your independence. Maintaining it shouldn’t be seen as a threat. Pursue your own passions, and let him see that you’re not just waiting around for someone to complete you.
- Master your skills. Men appreciate a partner who excels in something they’re passionate about. So keep honing your skills and talents.
- Savor the adventure. Suggest trying out that new restaurant or exploring a new hobby together. Going on adventures, no matter how big or small, can be highly attractive.
- Intellectual engagement. Discuss books, movies, or current events, and show that you can hold your own in discussions.
- A little mystery doesn’t hurt. Don’t reveal everything about yourself at once. Share parts of yourself gradually.
- Rock the compliments. Let him know when he looks great or when he’s done something that impresses you—men appreciate this just as much as women do.
- Initiate and take charge. Whether it’s planning a date with a man or expressing your interest, taking the initiative can be pleasantly surprising.
- Cultivate your sense of humor. Share funny stories, make witty jokes, and enjoy a good laugh together.
- Be supportive but independent. Balance is key; show that you’re there for him without losing yourself.
- Respect his interests. Even if they’re different from yours, your genuine interest in his hobbies shows that you want to be a part of his world.
How to Be More Attractive to Women
Being more attractive to women is about being your authentic self and adding an extra layer of consideration and empathy. Here are a few advice for men to achieve that:
- Be a good listener. Show interest in what she’s saying, ask questions, and remember the details.
- Emotional intelligence. Women often seek partners who can connect on an emotional level. Try to understand the feelings of the woman you are interested in and be more empathetic.
- Respect personal space. While it’s important to express interest, avoid invading her personal bubble too quickly and respect her boundaries.
- Chef kiss. Can you cook a delicious meal? Then you’ve got a secret weapon. Women often find a man who can cook very attractive.
- Be a great friend. This is often the foundation of a lasting romantic relationship. Show genuine care and support, and be there for her during both good and challenging times.
- Share vulnerability. Opening up can strengthen your connection and show that you trust her.
- Be respectful and polite. Manners matter. Be respectful, not just to the woman you’re interested in but to everyone you encounter.
- Show thoughtfulness. Whether it’s a handwritten note, a small gift, or planning a special date, this shows you’re attentive and caring.
- Practice good hygiene. A well-groomed appearance shows that you take care of yourself and respect those around you. Keep yourself clean, groomed, and smelling nice.
- Stay humble. Confidence is in; arrogance is out. You can still acknowledge your strengths without being boastful or belittling others.
Make Your Attractiveness Work Like a Charm
Realizing that you want to see a change in yourself is half the battle. And since you are here, it’s time to win all of it.
So if you want to learn how to be more confident and attractive, Mindvalley has specialized programs that you can explore:
- Body Language for Dating & Attraction Quest with Linda Clemons, where you will awaken your natural sensuality with the power of body language and nonverbal communication.
- Magnetic Charisma Quest with Vanessa Van Edwards, where she will share her step-by-step formula for unlocking your authentic charisma.
- Self-Confidence Quest with Paul McKenna, where you can experience the power of hypnosis to help you go from self-criticizing to self-confident.
You can gain free access to a few classes of all three quests by signing up for a Mindvalley account. What’s more, there are daily meditations that can help you with self-confidence as you master how to be attractive.
As Paul says, “When you’re working on a truly worthwhile dream, the dream is also working on you.” And it’s all a click away at Mindvalley.
Welcome in.
