Trauma, it seems, is a trend these days.
But according to psychologist Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, it’s not the kind that leads us down the runway of awareness. It’s the kind where we wear our wounds like couture.
“Now, we have vulnerability on steroids,” he says in a Mindvalley Book Club interview. “The only way to connect to another person now is through your vulnerability.”
There’s nothing wrong with that. But when pain becomes fashion instead of fuel for transformation, that’s when society has a problem.
And that problem, as Dr. Kaufman points out, hides a deeper truth: most people aren’t ready to heal.
Who is Scott Barry Kaufman exactly?
There’s a lot to say about the Scott Barry Kaufman. His credentials, they are aplenty:
- Psychologist,
- Professor at Columbia University,
- Director of the Center for Human Potential,
- Host of The Psychology Podcast, and
- Best-selling author.
And if that wasn’t enough, there’s also this fun fact:
“I was rejected from American Idol,” he shares. “Twice.”
Impressive lineup, to say the least. So it’s no wonder the Mindvalley Book Club host, Kristina Mӓnd-Lakhiani, introduces him as “really remarkable, amazing.”
But behind all the accolades is someone who knows what it feels like to be underestimated. As a child, Dr. Kaufman struggled with an auditory disability that made teachers label him “slow.”
He wasn’t. He was simply wired differently: imaginative, curious, and quietly determined to prove that human potential can’t be measured by a report card.
That ethos shaped everything Dr. Kaufman stands for today. He’s out here helping people see what they’re truly capable of. And his latest book, Rise Above: Overcome a Victim Mindset, Empower Yourself, and Realize Your Full Potential, is his contribution to a world stuck in its own pain.
“I wanted to write a book that met people more where they are right now,” he says. “It feels like people are really suffering right now.”
That’s exactly what the World Health Organization reported. More than a billion people worldwide are living with mental health conditions, and rates of anxiety and depression have surged since the pandemic.
“I think that there’s so much more humans could become,” Dr. Kaufman adds. And yet, few truly rise above.
Why we struggle to “rise above,” according to Scott Barry Kaufman
Most people want to rise above their pain. The problem, Dr. Kaufman points out, is that we’re wired and conditioned not to.
“Helplessness is the default state in humans,” he says. And, as research shows, that’s why we cling to what hurts us. It feels safer than venturing into the unknown.
It doesn’t help that the current culture we live in rewards even the tiniest of traumas. Likes and algorithm-driven sympathies have become social currency.
And when someone begins to heal, there’s the so-called survivor’s guilt. Dr. Kaufman explains that there’s “something in human nature where you can feel almost guilty saying that you’re doing good when other people aren’t doing good.”
As if that weren’t enough, he points out that our evolutionary design prioritizes survival over joy. “Our genes don’t care about our happiness. They just care about our survival and reproduction.”
So it’s no wonder so many of us are feeling stuck in life. We’re rewarded for feeling broken, wired to fear change, and distracted by pain that feels familiar.
5 powerful practices from Scott Barry Kaufman to rise above pain and grow stronger
The reality is, there’s no such thing as a quick fix. Any healing from trauma, PTSD, or deep emotional pain requires some serious work. But it’s work that’s worth it.
There’s so much more humans could become.
— Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, psychologist and author of Rise Above
On the other side of that effort is clarity, confidence, and a version of yourself that finally feels free. And in his conversation with Kristina, Dr. Kaufman shares five methods to help you take that first step.
However, they only scratch the surface of his insights on growth and healing. For more, watch the full interview on Mindvalley Book Club:
1. Name emotions without becoming them
Emotions. Whew, what a topic. There’s one end of the spectrum where it’s rainbows and sunshine. Then, there’s the other side where darkness reigns.
But as Dr. Kaufman points out, “They don’t have to limit us as much as we think that they do.” What many of us don’t realize is that emotions are signals rather than the shackles we’ve mistaken them for.
Think of when you get upset. Do you say, “I am angry”? Or do you say, “I feel anger”? (After all, you aren’t your emotion, but you feel them.)
Psychologists call this affect labeling, which is the simple act of naming a feeling as it happens. Research from UCLA found that doing so activates your brain’s reasoning center and helps you stop spiraling.
“Being able to notice without judgment and without identifying it as who you are,” Dr. Kaufman says, “creates that space between the automatic reaction and your thoughts.”
And in that space, healing begins.
2. Handshake your monsters
Once you’re able to observe your emotion, you can start befriending the source of it. That’s the whole idea behind Dr. Kaufman’s “handshake” practice:
- Welcome in your monsters (a.k.a., your uncomfortable emotions),
- Acknowledge them,
- Greet them,
- Ask, “What is it you want? Why are you bringing so much attention to my life right now?” and
- Listen.
“A lot of times our dark side just wants to be heard,” says Dr. Kaufman. He recalls getting frustrated at his students for being on their laptops while the great Sharon Salzberg was speaking to the class.
But instead of staying angry, he caught himself and thought, Maybe something’s going on in their lives right now. That moment of empathy replaced irritation with compassion.
This is what shadow work looks like in real life. And once they’re seen, those monsters in the dark lose their power.
3. Practice radical self-honesty
Self-honesty is acknowledging the truth about your feelings, habits, or motivations. It’s introspection.
Now, radical self-honesty goes deeper. It’s the kind that strips away rationalizations, ego, and self-image. And it means admitting not just what’s true, but also what’s uncomfortable.
In Dr. Kaufman’s context, the “radical” part matters because he’s talking about breaking free from the victim mindset. That requires confronting the subtle ways you deceive yourself, like blaming circumstances or pretending you’re powerless. And in doing so, take full responsibility for your internal patterns.
In psychology, this kind of self-awareness links to self-concept clarity, which is the ability to understand your beliefs, emotions, and behaviors without distortion. And when you’re able to do so, the tendency to experience emotional stability, self-trust, and life satisfaction is much greater.
The fact of the matter is, being honest with yourself, radically, takes courage. And, Dr. Kaufman says, “If my reader can make that insight and be that vulnerable and honest with themselves, to recognize that, I think they can achieve so much more of what they want in their life.”
4. Learn hope like a skill
As Dr. Kaufman mentions, helplessness comes naturally to humans. Psychologists first discovered the concept of learned helplessness in the 1960s, showing that both animals and humans can be conditioned to believe they have no control over their circumstances.
However, later studies revealed that hope works the opposite way: it’s a skill that strengthens the brain’s ability to plan, problem-solve, and stay resilient in the face of stress. So, in the words of Dr. Kaufman, “You have to learn hope in order to have this hope.”
Easier said than done, sure. But start small. Make one decision that moves your life an inch forward, like sending that job application, reaching out to someone you trust, or taking a walk after days of staying in.
Each small act of hope strengthens the very muscle that leads to self-actualization. And it’s from there that you begin to step into the fullest version of yourself.
5. Choose presence over rumination
There’s a lot of talk about being present. Yet, we have so much trouble doing it. Research even notes that the human brain spends 30–50% of waking hours in mind-wandering mode.
And what studies from Harvard found is that when people’s minds wander, they report feeling less happy than when they’re focused on what they’re doing. So, rumination pulls you into the past, where regret and resentment live. But presence brings you back to the only place you can actually change something—the here and now.
That’s probably why Dr. Kaufman and so many other experts emphasize mindfulness. It’s known to lower stress, strengthen relationships, and support mental health.
And there are several ways you can choose to be in the moment:
- Notice what’s happening without judgment.
- Acknowledge emotions as they arise.
- Practice loving-kindness toward yourself and others.
- Focus fully on what’s in front of you.
- Take a few deep, intentional breaths.
- Go for a walk or try earthing to reconnect with your body and the ground.
- Pause before reacting and take a single conscious breath.
- Practice some form of gratitude at the end of the day.
- Spend a few minutes away from screens or social media.
- Do one thing at a time and give it your full attention.
“Almost nothing else is as important as the moment that you’re in right now,” says Dr. Kaufman. Because, let’s be honest, it’s really all we have.
Fuel your mind
If there’s ever been a book that completely pulled you in, you know how words can turn into an experience. That’s the essence of why the Mindvalley Book Club exists and why Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani is on a mission to make reading exciting again.
Each month, she brings you inside the books that shape today’s most important conversations, including Scott Barry Kaufman’s books. You’ll hear the lessons, the doubts, and the personal stories that never make it to print.
Here’s what you can expect:
- One standout book a month, chosen for its power to spark growth
- Honest, live conversations with the authors
- Practical takeaways you can apply right away
It’s free to join. Come read, question, and grow with us.
Welcome in.
