Lust vs. love: What’s the real difference?

Your skin lights up when they text. And your stomach flips every time they walk in. But somewhere between the dopamine rush and 2 a.m. overthinking, a tiny voice whispers, “Is this the start of something real… Or just your libido playing dress-up?”

That’s the thing about lust vs. love. Both can hit hard. Both can hijack your sleep. But one lays a foundation. The other gives you a high, then vanishes as quickly as it shows up unannounced on your doorstep.

The way we love and the way we desire are not the same.

— Esther Perel, psychotherapist and relationship expert

And while the lines can blur fast, learning how to tell them apart might be the one skill that saves you from confusing chemistry with compatibility.

What is lust?

Lust is raw, physical desire. It’s the part of you that wants someone. But not their life story, not their values. Just their body. It’s urgent, magnetic, and usually focused on one thing: getting as close as possible, as fast as possible.

It shows up like—snap!—that. It’s loud. And it often has little patience for things like emotional depth, shared values, or what your childhood nickname was. As psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel points out in her stage talk at Mindvalley A-Fest 2017, “It’s not because I have to, because I should, because it’s expected, but it’s because I want to.”

Biologically, lust is your brain’s way of saying, “Reproduce now, ask questions later.” It’s powered by a cocktail of hormones (mostly testosterone and estrogen) that fuel sexual attraction. Neuroscientists have traced it to the brain’s hypothalamus and amygdala, regions tied to motivation, reward, and, yes, primal instincts.

The word itself comes from the Old English lust, meaning “desire” or “pleasure.” However, over time, cultural and religious influences, particularly within Christian theology, began to associate lust with sinfulness.

But at its core, it’s just the human body being…well, human.

Get more insights from Esther:

What is love?

Love is an emotional bond built on trust, intimacy, and care. It grows over time, deepens through vulnerability, and sticks around even when things aren’t sexy or convenient.

Unlike lust, love is more enduring than urgent. It’s the feeling that makes you want to understand someone, protect their peace, and see their love language as endearing rather than annoying.

“When you love and you think about wanting to know the person—knowing the beloved, contracting the distance, minimizing the threats, having that deep connection,” Esther explains. “It lives on a different side than when you want.”

Biologically, love activates a different circuit in the brain than lust. It lights up regions tied to attachment and long-term bonding, like the ventral tegmental area (which is linked to reward and motivation) and the caudate nucleus (which is associated with goal-directed behavior). On top of that, hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin are released, strengthening emotional closeness and trust.

But beyond biology, though, love motivates you to show up as your full self. “You can’t separate your individuality from your sexuality,” explains Dr. Emily Jamea, a sex and relationship therapist, in a Mindvalley Book Club interview. Because when you feel seen, supported, and safe to be who you really are, love and intimacy have room to grow.

As for the word itself, love has deep roots. It comes from the Old English lufu, related to the Germanic luba and the Sanskrit lubhyati, which means “desires.” Over time, it evolved to represent not just desire, but deep affection, attachment, and moral concern for others.

And love, as bestselling author Katherine Woodward Thomas says in her Calling in ‘The One’ program on Mindvalley, “can only be found through the act of loving.”

Lust vs. love: Key differences

The feelings of both can be almost identical in the beginning, but they’re built on completely different foundations.

Here’s a side-by-side breakdown of love vs. lust to help you spot the difference:

The feelings of the two might overlap, but how they play out over time tells a different story.

As Dr. Jamea explains, “The emotional climate in the relationship is going to start affecting how you feel sexually once that initial high kind of wears off.”

In other words, lust might light the match. But love is what sustains the flame.

Infatuation vs. lust vs. love

Love. Lust. Infatuation.

They can all feel like a punch to the chest. That third one, though—infatuation—is the trickiest.

It burns like lust. It feels like love. But it lives in the space between wanting and truly knowing. 

And if you don’t spot the difference early, it can leave you chasing something that was never real to begin with.

Here’s the breakdown of the three:

• Lust is chemistry without context. It’s intense, impulsive, and fueled by the body. Example: Crazy, Stupid, Love’s Emily and her co-worker David Lindhagen. Heat with no depth.
• Love is connection with continuity. It’s grounded, growing, and built on shared reality. Think Hannah and Jacob. Messy, evolving, and real.
• Infatuation is fantasy on overdrive. It’s fast, obsessive, and rooted in projection. That’s Jessica crushing on Cal. Just caught in a loop of imagined connection with no real relationship to hold it up.

Sounds dramatic? It kind of is. A 2021 study found that infatuation can lead to distraction, stress, and poor performance in other areas of life. Translation: it’s not just a harmless crush when it hijacks your mental space.

While the feelings are real, it’s the foundation that matters. Otherwise, you’re just building stories on strangers.

Signs you’re in love vs. in lust

Love and lust can be confusing emotions to navigate. Sure, you can take the endless online quizzes or pore through lust vs. love quotes all over Instagram and Pinterest. But as Esther says, “the way we love and the way we desire are not the same.”

So if you’re not sure what you’re feeling, here’s how to tell love vs. lust apart.

Signs it’s love

• You care about who they are, not just how they make you feel.
• You’re curious about their story, including their past, present, and future.
• Emotional safety comes naturally.
• Even non-physical time together feels meaningful.
• You picture a shared future, not just shared nights.
• There’s a desire to support and grow with them.
• You feel more like yourself around them, not like you’re performing.

Signs it’s lust

• Their appearance and the physical chemistry take center stage.
• Deep conversations feel awkward or unnecessary.
• The sexual energy feels intense and impulsive.
• Interest fades once the physical spark dims.
• You find yourself imagining moments, not milestones.
• It’s the rush you’re drawn to, not the relationship.
• You’re chasing validation more than connection.

Navigating lust vs. love in relationships: 3 insights from Mindvalley’s relationship expert

Love and lust serve different needs. But when you’re not clear on which one’s driving you, it’s easy to end up in the wrong kind of relationship.

We cannot receive into our lives that which is inconsistent with our identity to have.

— Katherine Woodward Thomas, trainer of Mindvalley’s Calling in The One

The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with wanting pleasure. And there’s nothing weak about wanting something deeper.

But figuring out which one is shaping your choices? That’s what gives you clarity, confidence, and control.

1. Align your identity with the relationship you actually want

“We cannot receive into our lives that which is inconsistent with our identity to have,” says Katherine at Mindvalley Live Los Angeles 2020.

The thing is, no matter how badly you want love, if your identity is still shaped by past trauma, low self-worth, or old narratives (like “I’m always the one who gets left”), then you won’t be able to hold the kind of love you’re longing for.

In fact, a study published in The Professional Counselor found that people with insecure childhood attachments often struggle with low self-esteem later in life. And that can make it harder to form stable, healthy relationships. So if you haven’t updated your sense of self, you’ll keep reaching for the high of desire instead of the depth of emotional connection.

So it makes sense that navigating lust vs. love starts with looking in the mirror and asking, “Does the way I see myself match the kind of love I say I want?”

If not, that’s the real work.

2. Take responsibility for your patterns

We all have relationship habits we swear we didn’t sign up for. Like the emotionally unavailable partner. Or the instant spark that fizzles fast. Or the situationship that never quite becomes something real.

According to Katherine, the moment things began to change for her was when she stopped blaming past partners and started asking, “How am I the source of this?”

 “I took full responsibility for myself as the source of my experience,” she shares. “And once I shifted my attention toward seeing myself as the source, all sorts of things began to be revealed.”

Like the old stories she was still living out, the patterns she hadn’t questioned, and the past attachments she hadn’t truly let go of.

Yacopo Damizia, a university institutional researcher in the U.K., had a similar realization after completing Katherine’s Mindvalley program.

“What I realized was that I had become a pleaser, sacrificing my own integrity and emotional well-being to keep others happy,” he shares on Mindvalley Stories. “It took me a long time to understand that I was the one responsible for my own unhappiness.”

That shift—from victim to co-creator—is what can allow you to finally see your part in the story. Not to blame yourself, of course, but to empower yourself. Because once you see it, you can change it.

3. Let go of outdated attachments

It’s easy to say you’re ready for love. But under the surface, your heart might still be entangled in old energy: an ex you haven’t truly let go of, a promise you made in your teens, or an unspoken loyalty to someone who broke your heart.

Staying friends with an ex isn’t for everyone. Research even shows that keeping in touch with them can lower satisfaction in your current relationship. Or block you from fully showing up for what’s here now.

Katherine knows this well. During her own journey, she realized she had made a silent vow to her high school boyfriend: to reunite decades later. “I dreamt about him for 20 years,” she says.

That outdated bond was quietly keeping her from moving forward, even though the relationship had long since ended.

“The past doesn’t define what’s possible for you at all,” says Katherine. “What actually defines you is the future that you’re standing for creating.

Her story shows that just because a relationship is over doesn’t mean the feelings are gone.

Because you might think you’re opening up your heart to someone new, but part of you could still be stuck in the past. And when that’s the case, it’s hard to fully be in the present.

4. Stop abandoning yourself for connection

When it comes to lust vs. love, it’s easy to confuse one with the other, especially if you’ve been taught to please, perform, or keep the peace to stay connected.

But if love means leaving yourself behind, it’s not love. It’s a pattern of self-sabotage.

Katherine saw this in herself. She says, “I was dismissing my feelings and needs in service to taking care of the perceived feelings and needs of someone else.”

Many of us do the same, most of the time without even realizing it. Instead of asking for what we need, we go quiet. Crumbs become acceptable when real care feels too risky to expect. And when our body says no, the fear of being alone often whispers, “Maybe...”

This is exactly where lust often shows up. It’s easier to play the role than to risk being real. Easier to chase than to check in.

And yet, real passion comes from alignment. Dr. Jamea calls this “the balance of security and autonomy.” It’s the sweet spot where long-term love and lasting desire actually thrive.

You don’t need to abandon yourself to feel wanted. You just need to feel safe enough to show up fully.

So the next time you’re in a dynamic that feels intense but unsteady, pause and ask: Am I actually present in this relationship? Or am I performing to keep it alive?

That answer is everything.

5. Act in alignment with the future you want

Most people say they want love but keep making choices rooted in fear, fantasy, or old survival habits. That disconnect is what keeps them stuck in cycles of lust, confusion, and unmet needs.

That’s what Katherine did, too. But she made one powerful shift: she began showing up as the version of herself who already had the relationship she was calling in.

She asked herself questions like:

• What would I need to let go of?
• How would I need to grow?
• What’s my next step?

These kinds of questions can help you stop chasing outcomes and start living as someone ready to receive real love.

That’s exactly what April Yee, a life coach from the U.S., discovered after completing the Calling in The One program on Mindvalley.

“I had been lying to myself about what I really wanted because I didn’t believe I could have what I wanted,” she reflects. “Now, I am standing in love with myself, wanting more for myself than what I wanted in the past.”

Now, on to you. Ask yourself: Am I making choices from the version of me who still feels unworthy or the one who knows they’re ready?

When your energy, actions, and identity line up, you stop chasing lust… and start attracting love.

Frequently asked questions

Can lust turn into love?

Yes, but not always. Lust can open the door, but love only walks in when trust, care, and emotional intimacy show up too.

At its best, lust is a powerful spark. It draws people together and creates the early chemistry that can feel intoxicating. However, for that attraction to deepen into love, something has to shift: the connection needs to expand beyond the physical.

Love grows through shared vulnerability, mutual respect, and emotional safety. And when both people are willing to slow down, communicate openly, and actually get to know each other, then that lust vs. love tipping point can turn into something much deeper.

On the other hand, if the connection stays surface-level or revolves around fantasy, it’s likely to remain exactly what it started as: a short-term flame.

Is lust bad?

Not at all. Lust is natural, human, and often the start of something meaningful. However, it only becomes a problem when it drives choices that hurt you.

Lust often gets a bad rap because it’s been tied to temptation and impulsiveness. But in truth, the feeling itself isn’t the issue. The trouble begins when it blinds you to red flags in a relationship, keeps you chasing unavailable partners, or makes you ignore what you truly need.

With self-awareness, though, lust can be exciting, fun, and even healing. It’s confusing or potentially heartbreaking only when it’s mistaken for love or used to fill an emotional void.

Is infatuation real love?

No, but it can feel like it, especially when you don’t know the difference.

By nature, infatuation is fueled by fantasy, projection, and emotional intensity. It’s fast, overwhelming, and often one-sided. Love, in contrast, grows slowly and is grounded in reality. You know them, and they know you.

Of course, infatuation might feel magical. But the truth is, it doesn’t last unless there’s something deeper beneath it. And when it fades (as it usually does), what’s left determines whether love was ever there at all.

Love deeper, connect stronger

Love and lust will always pull at us in different ways. Both can be powerful, but only one can carry you through the messy, beautiful reality of real connection.

So if you’re tired of wondering whether it’s something real or just another fast-burning spark, it’s time to get clear on what you’re actually looking for and who you’re willing to be in the process..

Because the truth is, love doesn’t come from performing. It comes from presence. From knowing your patterns, choosing better ones, and learning to show up fully. First for yourself, then for someone else.

Need help figuring that out? Mindvalley’s got you.

Explore the free resources on relationships to deepen your understanding of love, desire, and emotional connection:

• Downloadable PDFs like conversation starters to spark real intimacy
• Free classes with experts like Katherine Woodward Thomas and Linda Clemons
• Webinars on building conscious relationships and thriving communities
• Quizzes like the Love Styles Quiz to understand how you give and receive love
  

Start your next chapter with more clarity and a lot more heart. And as Katherine says, “Be bold, be brave, take action in that direction, and let the magic begin.”

Welcome in.