Lust vs. love: What’s the real difference?

Your skin lights up when they text. And your stomach flips every time they walk in. But somewhere between the dopamine rush and 2 a.m. overthinking, a tiny voice whispers, “Is this the start of something real… Or just your libido playing dress-up?”

That’s the thing about lust vs. love. Both can spike your dopamine, and both can keep you texting at 1 a.m.

However, one builds slowly and lays a solid foundation. The other hits like a match to gasoline—bright, hot, and gone before morning. And the lines between them can blur fast. 

So what is lust vs. love, really? Knowing the difference matters when you’re deciding who gets your time, your body, and your heart.

What is lust?

Lust is raw, physical hunger. It doesn’t care about your values, your childhood nickname, or how well someone communicates. It wants skin on skin, now.

If you’ve ever watched Bridgerton, you know the scene: Daphne and Simon are arguing in the garden, then suddenly they’re tangled in a kiss. That’s lust—zero conversation, maximum chemistry.

This drive is a survival instinct. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a neuroscientist and biological anthropologist, it’s one of three distinct brain systems for love.

While the other two, attraction and attachment, run on different circuits and create different behaviors, lust is powered by testosterone and estrogen. A study in Sexual Medicine Reviews confirms that it lights up the hypothalamus and amygdala, which are the parts of your brain linked to reward, motivation, and primal urges.

That’s why lust feels urgent, magnetic, and obsessive, even. Your brain zeros in on the body in front of you, and everything else fades out.

But if you’re not sure what you feel, here’s a quick tell: if you want their body but couldn’t care less about their opinion, that’s lust talking.

What is love?

Love is an emotional bond built on trust, care, and shared safety. It grows over time, deepens through vulnerability, and stays, even when things aren’t sexy or convenient.

The word “love” itself has deep roots. It comes from the Old English lufu, related to the Germanic luba and the Sanskrit lubhyati, which means “desires.” Eventually, it came to represent not just desire, but deep affection, attachment, and moral concern for others.

You can see this with Daphne and Simon after the garden. When they tell each other, “I burn for you,” you see their desire has turned into real love.

Dr. Fisher, in her neuroimaging research, found that this kind of bonding activates the same reward system as hunger or thirst. One key region, the ventral tegmental area, lights up with dopamine, while hormones like oxytocin reinforce closeness and trust.

But beyond biology, love motivates you to show up as your full self. “You can’t separate your individuality from your sexuality,” explains Dr. Emily Jamea, a sex and relationship therapist, in a Mindvalley Book Club interview. Because when you feel seen, supported, and safe to be who you really are, love and intimacy have room to grow.

And that inner safety shows up in how you treat the other person. You protect their peace, stay through discomfort, and care about their experience as much as your own.

Lust vs. love: Key differences

The lust vs. love meaning comes down to what’s driving the connection and what it’s built on. And here’s how you can tell which one you’re dealing with:

This difference usually shows up after the early intensity passes. As Dr. Jamea explains, “The emotional climate in the relationship is going to start affecting how you feel sexually once that initial high kind of wears off.”

And what starts as chemistry doesn’t always sustain a connection.

Infatuation vs. lust vs. love

Lust and love usually steal the spotlight. But infatuation? That’s the one that sneaks in.

It looks like both, it feels like both, and it can pull you in before you realize there’s nothing solid underneath. But if you don’t catch it early, you could end up chasing someone who’s totally nothing like the one you’ve built entirely in your head.

It helps to lay them out side by side:

• Lust is chemistry without context. It’s impulsive, physical, and all about the moment. Like Anthony and Siena in Bridgerton. All fire, no future.
• Love is connection with continuity. It’s grounded, growing, and built on shared reality. That’s Daphne and Simon, for sure. Messy, honest, and real.
• Infatuation is fantasy on overdrive. It’s the storyline you write before you actually know the person. Think Penelope and Colin, way before anything real existed between them.

And the third isn’t harmless daydreaming. A 2021 study found that infatuation can lead to distraction, stress, and poor performance in other areas of life. Translation: it’s not just a harmless crush when it hijacks your mental space.

So yeah, the feelings might be intense. But if there’s no real connection, you’re just in a story you wrote alone.

Signs you’re in love vs. in lust

You already know the chemistry’s there. That’s not the question. What you’re trying to figure out is whether this thing has roots or if it’s just fire and no foundation.

Of course, you could scroll through endless “lust vs. love” quotes on Instagram or take another quiz. But none of that tells you what’s actually happening in your body, your mind, or your heart.

As psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel puts it, “the way we love and the way we desire are not the same.”

So if you’re not sure what you’re in, here’s how to tell it’s lust vs. love (without asking the internet):

Signs it’s love

• You care about who they are, not just how they make you feel.
• You’re curious about their story, including their past, present, and future.
• Emotional safety comes naturally.
• Even non-physical time together feels meaningful.
• You picture a shared future, not just shared nights.
• There’s a desire to support and grow with them.
• You feel more like yourself around them, not like you’re performing.

Signs it’s lust

• Their appearance and the physical chemistry take center stage.
• Deep conversations feel awkward or unnecessary.
• The sexual energy feels intense and impulsive.
• Interest fades once the physical spark dims.
• You find yourself imagining moments, not milestones.
• It’s the rush you’re drawn to, not the relationship.
• You’re chasing validation more than connection.

Navigating lust vs. love in relationships: 5 insights from Mindvalley’s relationship expert

It’s one thing to spot the difference between lust and love. It’s another to stay honest about which one’s shaping your relationship and why.

These five insights from Katherine Woodward Thomas, a relationship expert and the trainer of Mindvalley’s Calling in “The One,” can help you stop repeating old dynamics and start choosing what actually lasts.

1. Align your identity with the relationship you actually want

You can want love. You can journal about it, manifest it, and swear you’re ready. But if your identity is still wired for rejection, drama, or being the one who’s “too much,” you’ll keep choosing people who confirm it.

“We cannot receive into our lives that which is inconsistent with our identity to have,” says Katherine at Mindvalley Live Los Angeles 2020.

So start where it actually plays out:

• Overextending yourself just to feel wanted
• Saying nothing to keep the peace
• Slipping into roles that feel familiar, even when they don’t feel good

Research in Interpersonal Relationships and the Self-Concept shows that who you believe you are shapes how you show up with others. And that influences the patterns you keep repeating in love, lust, or both.

So the question isn’t just what you want but who you’re being when you go looking for it.

2. Take responsibility for your patterns

Let’s say you meet someone and there’s an intense spark. It flares into obsession, then fades into confusion.

Then you meet someone else. Same story: spark, infatuation, letdown. Different face, same emotional fallout. And somehow, you’re back in another situationship, wondering how you got here again.

Most people stay stuck because they’re asking the wrong question: “Why do they always do this to me?”

Daphne and Simon did it, too. She wanted intimacy but avoided the real conversation. He wanted connection but stayed loyal to his pain. Neither meant to hurt the other, but both were stuck in emotional reflexes they hadn’t outgrown.

So the better question is, “How am I the source of this?” Katherine asked that very question. Her turning point came when she stopped trying to fix other people and started asking why the same pain kept showing up in her own life.

“I took full responsibility for myself as the source of my experience,” she shares. “And once I shifted my attention toward seeing myself as the source, all sorts of things began to be revealed.”

A 2021 study published in Personality and Individual Differences shows that people with secure attachment are more aware of their feelings and communicate better. And this helps them avoid repeating the same painful patterns.

The shift from victim to co-creator is what can allow you to finally see your part in the story. Not to blame yourself, of course, but to empower yourself. Because once you see it, you can change it.

3. Let go of outdated attachments

It’s easy to say you’re ready for love. But under the surface, your heart might still be tied to the past: an ex you haven’t truly let go of, a promise you made in your teens, or an unspoken loyalty to someone who broke your heart.

That kind of attachment can keep you unavailable for obvious reasons. Plus, research even shows that keeping in touch with them can lower satisfaction in your current relationship. Or block you from fully showing up for what’s here now.

Katherine knows this well. She had unconsciously made a silent vow to her high school boyfriend to reunite decades later. “I dreamt about him for 20 years,” she says.

That bond had outlived the relationship. But it was still shaping her choices.

“The past doesn’t define what’s possible for you at all,” says Katherine. “What actually defines you is the future that you’re standing for creating.”

The thing is, just because a relationship is over doesn’t mean the feelings are gone. And when that’s the case, there’s no room for something real to grow.

4. Stop abandoning yourself for connection

Sometimes what looks like love is really just fear in disguise. You want closeness but end up shrinking to fit. You want to be chosen, so you stop choosing yourself.

That’s one of the biggest traps in the whole lust vs. love conversation. When the need to feel wanted outweighs your ability to stay present with your own needs, you end up calling self-sabotage a relationship.

It might look like:

• Saying yes when your body says no
• Laughing off things that actually hurt
• Staying quiet just to keep things easy

In Bridgerton, Simon craved connection but shut it down anytime it got too real. His vow to never have children was his way of staying in control, even if it meant pushing love away.

Katherine lived her own version of this pattern. “I was dismissing my feelings and needs in service to taking care of the perceived feelings and needs of someone else,” she says.

According to research, people with insecure attachment are more likely to struggle with emotional regulation and self-acceptance. And these patterns can keep you stuck, sabotaging connection the moment it starts to feel too close.

5. Act in alignment with the future you want

You already know what doesn’t work: shrinking, chasing, and waiting for someone to pick you. But if you want a different kind of love, you have to become the version of you who can hold it.

Research shows that how you see yourself influences the choices you’re willing to make and stick with. So when your actions match the kind of partner you want to be, it becomes easier to stay consistent with what you say you want.

In Katherine’s case, that meant no longer dating from her wounds. She started asking questions, like:

• What would I need to let go of?
• How would I need to grow?
• What’s my next step?

Now, on to you. Ask yourself: Am I making choices from the version of me who still feels unworthy or the one who knows they’re ready?

When your energy, actions, and identity line up, you stop chasing lust… and start attracting love.

Frequently asked questions

Can lust turn into love?

Yes, but not always. Lust can open the door, but love only walks in when trust, care, and emotional intimacy show up too.

At its best, lust is a powerful spark. It draws people together and creates the early chemistry that can feel intoxicating. However, for that attraction to deepen into love, something has to shift: the connection needs to expand beyond the physical.

Love grows through shared vulnerability, mutual respect, and emotional safety. And when both people are willing to slow down, communicate openly, and actually get to know each other, then that lust vs. love tipping point can turn into something much deeper.

On the other hand, if the connection stays surface-level or revolves around fantasy, it’s likely to remain exactly what it started as: a short-term flame.

Is lust bad?

Not at all. Lust is natural, human, and often the start of something meaningful. However, it only becomes a problem when it drives choices that hurt you.

Lust often gets a bad rap because it’s been tied to temptation and impulsiveness. But in truth, the feeling itself isn’t the issue. The trouble begins when it blinds you to red flags in a relationship, keeps you chasing unavailable partners, or makes you ignore what you truly need.

Anna Mayer, a translator from Hungary who did the Calling in “The One” program, recognized this pattern in herself. She describes on Mindvalley Stories of being “codependent, anxious-avoidant, overgiving, walls up,” caught between wanting a partner and feeling repelled by the same pull. But once she built self-awareness and self-worth, desire stopped running the show.

With clarity, lust can help you feel playful and alive. It’s confusing or potentially heartbreaking only when it’s mistaken for love or used to fill an emotional void.

Is infatuation real love?

No, but it can feel like it, especially when you don’t know the difference.

For Yacopo Damizia, a university institutional researcher in the U.K. who has also gone through Katherine’s Mindvalley program, the feelings felt real in what he describes as “a long-distance relationship that stretched across continents, lasting for five years but eventually leading to heartache and stress.”

“It took me a long time to understand that I was the one responsible for my own unhappiness,” he shares on Mindvalley Stories.

By nature, infatuation is fueled by fantasy, projection, and emotional intensity. It’s fast, overwhelming, and often one-sided. Love, in contrast, grows slowly and is grounded in reality. You know them, and they know you.

Of course, infatuation might feel magical. But the truth is, it doesn’t last unless there’s something deeper beneath it. And when it fades (as it usually does), what’s left determines whether love was ever there at all.

Love deeper, connect stronger

Love and lust will always pull at you in different ways. Both are powerful, but only one can carry you through the messy, beautiful reality of real connection.

If you’re tired of wondering whether it’s something real or just another fast-burning spark, now’s the time to get clear on what you want and who you’re becoming in the process.

Because love doesn’t come from presence. From knowing your patterns, choosing better ones, and learning to show up fully. First for yourself, then for someone else.

Need help figuring that out? Mindvalley’s got you.

Explore the free resources on relationships to deepen your understanding of love, desire, and emotional connection:

• Downloadable PDFs like conversation starters to spark real intimacy
• Free classes with experts like Katherine Woodward Thomas and Linda Clemons
• Webinars on building conscious relationships and thriving communities
• Quizzes like the Love Styles Quiz to understand how you give and receive love

Start your next chapter with more clarity and a lot more heart. And as Katherine says, “Be bold, be brave, take action in that direction, and let the magic begin.”

Welcome in.