The truth about covert narcissists and how they quietly wreck relationships

You’ve probably encountered a narcissist at least once in your life—someone who’s repeatedly self-centered, lacking empathy, cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.

Like a Joffrey Baratheon. Or a Miranda Priestly. Or a Regina George.

But have you ever encountered a covert narcissist?

When you walk away from a conversation with them, you tend to feel guilty, confused, or like you’re too much.

And the punchline is, you don’t even realize it’s happening… until it’s too late.

What is a covert narcissist?

A covert narcissist is someone with narcissistic tendencies, but they hide it behind a quiet, self-effacing, or victim-like persona. Hence the word “covert.”

Think of them as the Clark Kent version of narcissism. On the outside? Humble, insecure, maybe even self-sacrificing. But underneath? Still fueled by the same need to be special, validated, and untouchable.

Take the Camerlengo from Angels and Demons, for instance. Classic covert narcissist.

On the surface, he’s a devout priest. Humble, grieving, and committed to God’s will. But underneath, he’s faking a terrorist attack, murdering the Pope, and orchestrating his own public “miracle” to be seen as the savior of the Church. His entire identity hinges on being revered as a moral hero without ever appearing to seek the spotlight.

“Individuals with covert narcissistic traits may present as shy, self-effacing, or emotionally fragile,” Ny’L Thompson, LCSW-C, M.S., a licensed therapist who specializes in adult mental health, shares with Mindvalley Pulse. “But their interpersonal behavior often reflects passive-aggressive control and emotional manipulation.”

Research says the same thing. A 2001 study found that their outward confidence is a mask for deep insecurity. It’s not just praise that they’re secretly chasing, but also the need to feel special. In their heads, it’s the only way to hold their sense of self together.

That’s the thing, though: they’re not shouting, “Look at me! Look at me!” No, instead, they’re whispering, “Why doesn’t anyone ever see how good I am?”

So, absolutely, they can feel so emotionally chaotic to be around. And because their entitlement and superiority are dressed in self-doubt, guilt-tripping, or emotional theatrics, you might find yourself comforting them constantly or second-guessing your gut.

Why? Because they seem so… sensitive.

Covert vs. overt narcissism

Both covert and overt narcissists crave the same thing: to feel special. But they go about it in wildly different ways.

While they both share the same traits, “regular narcissists go around telling everybody how great they are all the time,” explains Rebecca Zung, a top 1% attorney and narcissist negotiation expert, on a podcast episode of Selling With Love. “Covert narcissists don’t do that.”

Here’s how they stack up against one another:

If you’ve ever watched The Devil Wears Prada, you’re likely aware of what Rebecca calls, “narcissistic supply”—anything that feeds their ego—coming from Miranda as well as her assistant, Emily Charlton. 

Miranda’s obviously the overt. She commands every room, talks down to people in ways that border on emotional abuse, doesn’t hide that she expects worship, and says things like “Everyone wants to be us” with absolutely no apology, no shame.

Emily, on the other hand, masks her ego with martyrdom. She constantly laments how unappreciated she is, drops passive-aggressive “honesty,” and quietly boils when Andy gets praised.

They both want recognition. One demands it unapologetically with a bullhorn in hand. The other? “They have a lot of bitterness and resentment about the fact that everybody else has more success than they do,” Rebecca points out, “and their failures are other people’s faults.”

7 biggest traits of a covert narcissist

These silent manipulators aren’t always easy to spot because they don’t lead with arrogance. 

“On the surface, they appear very nice,” explains Rebecca. “They appear like good people. Lots of people love them.”

Behind that charm, though, is something else. As Ny’L explains, their behavior is often designed “to elicit reassurance, avoid accountability, or exert emotional influence.” And their patterns always leave a trail.

Here are the seven biggest covert narcissist traits you should watch out for:

• Hypersensitivity to criticism. Even mild feedback can spark sulking, defensiveness, or the silent treatment.
• Victimhood mindset. They often frame themselves as misunderstood, overlooked, or unfairly treated, even when they’re the ones pulling the strings.
• Passive-aggressive behavior. Snide comments masked as jokes, guilt trips, or stonewalling are all fair game.
• Fragile self-esteem. They crave external validation but can’t receive it without discomfort or deflection.
• Quiet superiority. They won’t say they’re better, but you’ll feel the judgment radiating off them.
• Emotional manipulation. From martyrdom to gaslighting, they make you feel responsible for their feelings.
• Envy, masked as indifference. They downplay others’ success, but behind the scenes, they’re seething.

Granted, they’re not loud. But they’re toxic. And if you’re not paying attention, it’s easy to mistake it for something softer.

Am I a covert narcissist?

Wondering if you’re a covert narcissist doesn’t automatically make you one. But the fact that you’re asking is already a sign of self-awareness (which most victim-minded personalities seriously lack).

Still… it’s worth exploring. Because most of us carry some narcissistic traits, especially in a world full of selfies, likes, and personal branding. And sometimes, what looks like confidence or healthy boundaries is really just ego in disguise.

So, how can you tell if it’s just self-love vs. narcissism? Here are some covert narcissist signs:

• There’s a quiet belief that you’re smarter or more insightful than others
• In most conflicts, you tend to see yourself as the misunderstood one
• Praise feels essential, even if you pretend not to care
• Criticism hits hard, no matter how gently it’s delivered
• “No one really gets me” is a recurring thought
• Modesty is your default, but deep down, you crave recognition
• When things go wrong, your first instinct is to point outward

The thing that most don’t realize is, covert narcissism isn’t about being evil or manipulative on purpose. It’s often due to several factors:

• Environment. According to psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, in an episode of Red Table Talk, many narcissists have narcissistic parents. And as a result, “many will just blame the world for their misfortunes and pass the legacy of entitlement forward to the next.”
• Genetics. In a 2014 study, researchers found that grandiosity (23%) and entitlement (35%) were passed down from parent to child.
• Neurobiology. A study led by the University of Chicago’s Dr. Royce Lee finds that narcissistic personality disorder is “marked by increased oxidative stress in the blood and is also connected to interpersonal hypersensitivity.” (However, more biology-based studies are needed to come to a conclusive understanding of this type of disorder.)

You don’t have to carry the blame for where these patterns started. But you do have a choice in what you do with them now. And that’s where real self-love begins.

What does being in a relationship with a covert narcissist look like?

Being in a relationship with someone who’s praise-hungry can feel like emotional quicksand. You’re constantly second-guessing yourself, managing their moods, and wondering why you feel drained but can’t quite explain why.

The thing is, it doesn’t usually start with chaos. According to Ny’L, the manipulation is more subtle, more indirect.

“It can manifest as chronic victimization, emotional withdrawal, guilt induction, or excessive sensitivity to perceived slights,” she explains.

“This means the impact is often confusion and emotional exhaustion for the other party, who may feel responsible for managing the covert narcissist’s emotional state.”

So here’s a closer look at how it could play out in different types of relationships:

With a spouse

At first, your covert narcissist husband or wife seemed tender and vulnerable. Like someone who just needed love to heal. But now, everything revolves around their needs.

You end up feeling like you’re the emotional caretaker, the one always soothing, always apologizing, always keeping the peace… And when you bring up concerns, they act wounded or spin it back on you.

Then, you start doubting yourself. You start to wonder if you really are being too harsh or not supportive enough.

It’s kind of like Celeste and Perry in Big Little Lies. On the surface, he’s just intense and hurting. But behind closed doors, she’s constantly managing his emotions, minimizing her own pain, and doing all the emotional heavy lifting… until it almost destroys her.

With parents and in-laws

If you have a covert narcissist mother, father, or in-laws, chances are, you feel guilty. All. The. Time.

Saying no or setting boundaries makes you feel like a terrible child. You might hear things like “I guess I’m just a bad mother/father” or get passive texts when you don’t call back fast enough.

Viola Fields from Monster-in-Law comes to mind, with her every-trick-in-the-book. The guilt-tripping, the sabotaging, and playing the wounded victim. It’s no wonder her son constantly feels emotionally indebted.

And if you can relate, you might start questioning your right to have your own life simply because it doesn’t fit the family roles they’ve assigned you.

With a boss or a co-worker

You feel like you’re constantly failing, even when you’re not. You walk away from conversations second-guessing what just happened. Like Miranda from The Devil Wears Prada, they don’t yell or criticize, but something always seems off.

Maybe they took on extra work, didn’t mention it, and now act cold. Maybe they responded to your idea with a forced smile and a weirdly polite “Noted.”

The disapproval is always there, just under the surface. You try harder, overexplain, or apologize more just to avoid the vibe shift.

With friends

If you’ve ever watched Hacks, you know how Ava Daniels feels when she’s shrinking herself to everything Deborah Vance says. She hesitates (or really, lies) before sharing good news or talking about her successes because she knows it’ll land weird.

But as she slowly comes out of her shell, you can see her slowly and silently taking on those narcissistic traits that Deborah openly has. Like when Ava leaks details on how Deborah is as a boss to TV writers. While it’s not out of malice, she frames herself as misunderstood, underappreciated, and overlooked. She wants her pain to be seen.

Because maybe you’ve been there, too. Shrinking yourself to keep the peace, then quietly acting out just to feel seen.

It doesn’t make you a bad friend. It means you’re human. But it also means it’s time to stop disappearing in relationships that only work when you’re small.

How to deal with a covert narcissist: 3 expert-backed things you can do

Dr. Ramani points out that covert narcissists build “a perfect suit of armor because there’s all this insecurity to be protected. So they work on their outsides so nobody will notice the insides.” That’s a big, giant red flag right there.

So your first reaction on how to deal with a narcissist may be to run the other way. Unfortunately, for some, that’s not always an option, especially when the wolf-in-empathy’s-clothing is a family member or a colleague.

Don’t fret, though. There are ways you can respond in order to protect yourself. Here are three you can use.

Important note: Support from a mental health professional can be incredibly beneficial during this process.

1. Have really good boundaries in place

Most covert narcissists know how much they can get away with when it comes to pushing people around. But according to Lisa Nichols, the founder of Motivating the Masses and trainer of Mindvalley’s Speak and Inspire program, if the boundaries in a relationship keep getting crossed, it might be because you never clearly drew the line.

“No one can ever go further with you than you’ve given them permission to go,” she explains. She advises that you have to train people how to treat you.

Boundaries can be a first step. Rebecca suggests doing so by:

• Saying things like, “I’m not going to allow you to speak to me this way” or “We’ll have this conversation when you’ve calmed down.”
• Putting time limits on conversations.
• Having agendas for conversations.

“All of that will help to shift the dynamic of the relationship, and it will also help you start to feel stronger in the relationship,” she adds.

2. Step back and recognize their narcissistic techniques

Covert narcissists are going to pull out all the stops when it comes to triggering you. They’ll use all sorts of techniques like gaslighting, ghosting, and manipulation to weaken and destabilize you.

So, step back as if you’re looking at it from a third-person point of view. And you can also observe their behavior back to them by saying things like, “I understand that that’s what you think,” or “You are entitled to believe that.”

This will enable you to put a gap between their attempts to trigger you and your emotions behind it. Rebecca mentions that “once you can shut off that emotional trigger, that’s when their power over you starts to shut down.”

Plus, as Lisa points out, it’s not your job to play therapist, rescuer, or emotional hostage. Instead, when you have someone in your life who’s engaged in things that are destructive to themselves and to others, she suggests to simply “be a healthy mirror, invite them to show up and ask you for support.”

“Let them know, ‘I’m here if you need it. Would you like it?’” she explains. “And then, set healthy boundaries for yourself.”

So say it one more time, as a reminder: it’s not your job.

3. Learn to communicate clearly and effectively

Whether it’s in a relationship or at the workplace, communication is fundamental. In fact, data collected from Expert Market on communication in the workplace found that “miscommunication costs companies with 100 employees an average of $420,000 per year.”

And yet, it’s something that so many of us struggle with. What’s more, with someone who’s an emotional manipulator.

So what can you do? Ny’L has some pointers:

• Be clear, concise, and emotionally neutral.
• Avoid overexplaining or justifying your boundaries.
• Use “I” statements.
• Set limits without engaging in power struggles.
• Be consistent (even in the face of pushback or guilt induction).

Learning effective communication skills to express yourself clearly (and maybe even a little assertively) can help you express what you truly desire. It can also help engage with the person you’re speaking to, empower you with confidence and charisma, make an impression, and enable you to learn a thing or two about yourself.

As Lisa says, “You’ve been given the gift of voice. How will you use it? What are you going to change?”

It’s you. You’re going to change. Because, as the saying goes, “You can’t change what’s going on around you until you start changing what’s going on within you.”

Become a changemaker 

It’s one thing to know the signs. It’s another to speak up when it matters most.

If you’ve ever frozen up in the middle of a difficult conversation or walked away wishing you’d said more, the right words matter. Especially when you’re dealing with someone who twists the story or turns the blame back on you.

Sonya Kent, a Mindvalley Member from the U.S., knows this well. “I was in a state of apathy, married to a narcissist, my life was in danger, and I didn’t care,” she shares on Mindvalley Stories. But now she’s free and continuing her path in the healing arts with peace, purpose, and gratitude.

If you’re unsure of where or how to start, Mindvalley’s free conversation starters, The Connection Kit, can help. These cards are tools to help you stay grounded, feel stronger, and take back emotional control, one clear sentence at a time.

Because your peace matters. Your voice matters. And yes, you’re allowed to protect both.

Welcome in.