“You just don’t understand.”
It’s the response I often get from my teenage stepdaughter. And it’s often followed by an “ugh,” an eye roll, or a curt turn and stomp off to her room.
Every mother figure knows this scene all too well. The dynamics with their teenage daughter can go every which way—loving to exasperating to affectionate, and then back to infuriating.
Chances are, the behavior is chalked up to being dramatic. Or mean. Or—my personal favorite—hormotional.
“A lot of people think of teenage girls as, you know, they have icy walls and boundaries up and, you know, they shut you out,” Chelsey Goodan, an academic tutor and mentor, tells Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani, co-founder of Mindvalley, in a sit-down on the Mindvalley Book Club.
The reality, as she points out in her book, Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls, is that teenage girls are so much more than what we, as a society, give them credit for. Their “drama,” “meanness,” and “crazy outbursts” are the culmination of being quieted for far too long.
So if you, too, have a daughter whom you wish you could better connect with, Chelsey might just have the solution.
There’s a reason teenage girls are so angsty…
Eye rolls, high-pitched squeals, “whatevs,” giggly, sassy, posting selfies—that’s what teenage girls are made up of.
Or so we all seem to think.
In writing the book, Chelsey found one common theme the gaggle of adolescent girls wished that adults understood about them. And that’s this: “We’re a lot smarter than you think we are.”
Parents feel like it’s their duty to keep girls grounded because NO ONE likes a bossy girl. They’re worried we’ll get an ego. We’re supposed to be humble, giving, and polite all the time.
— Juliette, 14, Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls
Look at any teen movie—Mean Girls, Easy A, Clueless, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, Never Have I Ever, and endless more—and they’re typically portrayed as the helpless, ditzy character with some sort of mother wound.
The moral of these stories is that they’re always underestimated by their parents, by their peers, by their community… And in the end, they always come out on top.
Things we’re doing that underestimate teenage girls
If this is the case, then why, oh, why are teenage girls mean? Why are they always so “Woe is me!”? Why do they have so much angst?
Chelsey has a simple explanation: The world fears teenage girls. And she draws from these examples:
- Expectant parents who are relieved they have a boy so they don’t have to go through the “terror and emotional lawlessness of a teenage girl.”
- Mothers who fought with their mothers and are now afraid of karma.
- Fathers who worry about their little girl joining the dating pool.
- Schools implementing modesty rules.
- Adults judging social media posts and labeling them as “shallow,” “too sexy,” and “irresponsible.”
So much social pressure. On top of that, trying to find out who they are and experiencing changes to their bodies IRL.
“If you think about it,” says Chelsey, “when someone’s having a baby girl or a baby boy, the person who has the baby girl, everyone’s like, ‘Oh, just wait for it. You’re in for it. When she becomes a teenager…’ Like, as if it’s this horrible thing that’s going to happen.”
Let’s face it, that’s NOT positive. It’s definitely NOT empowering.
Before the baby girl is even out of the womb, her teenage years and beyond have been predestined as “Oh, just wait for it…”
It’s no wonder teenage girls feel frustrated, misunderstood, and angsty. So much so that a 2021 survey by the CDC found that 57% of the teenage girls who participated reported feeling “persistently sad or hopeless”—not a great state for their mental well-being.
And the reality is, anyone put in the same position would likely react the same.
…But how, according to Chelsey Goodan, do they have wisdom and power?
“Society has been so busy dismissing girls as ‘dramatic’ that we’ve missed the wisdom they can offer us,” Chelsey explains. But what does that entail?
As she highlights in her book, it’s a vast array of things, including:
- The emotional insight and empathy to connect deeply with others.
- A strong desire to be true to themselves.
- The willingness to speak up about issues they care about—just look at Malala Yousafzai and Greta Thunberg.
- The ability to adapt and learn from experiences.
- The support they show one another to achieve common goals.
Teenage girls are incredibly deep thinking and deep feeling. But we’re socialized to be judged. Society beats out of us our strong sense of self-expression.
— Harper, 18, Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls
While we often view adolescent girls as capricious and featherbrained, science has found that they mature intellectually before they do socially or emotionally. According to Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., an expert in adolescent developmental psychology, this helps “explain why teenagers who are so smart in some respects sometimes do surprisingly dumb things.” (Not that we’re calling them “dumb,” of course.)
Society’s struggle
It’s difficult to not be confounded by adolescent behaviors. Even getting through to my stepdaughter, where she listens and respects my authority, is a daily challenge.
That’s the problem, though, isn’t it? “Authority.” But it’s what I know. It’s how I was raised. It’s what society has taught me.
Chelsey points out that, generation in and generation out, we “squash the liberated, fierce, passionate spirit right out of that bright, smiling, limitless face, until she’s consumed by ‘perfection’ and pleasing others.” And it’s all under the guise of raising confident kids.
One teen featured in her book puts it frankly: “Parents feel like it’s their duty to keep girls grounded because NO ONE likes a bossy girl. They’re worried we’ll get an ego. We’re supposed to be humble, giving, and polite all the time.”
As an alumni of the Teenage Girls Club myself, this is all relatable. However, squashing the moxie of this group is so ingrained in our psyche, it’s no wonder we don’t know how to deal with teenage girls.
Fortunately, thanks to people like Chelsey, it’s time that changes.
Chelsey Goodan’s tips to empower teenage girls
“Teenage girls are incredibly deep thinking and deep feeling,” explains one teen in the book. “But we’re socialized to be judged. Society beats out of us our strong sense of self-expression.”
As a parent, this can be heartbreaking. Being a spectator to this nonsense and yet not being able to do anything about it. Also, being part of the problem.
So what can we do to empower instead of undermine them? Granted, her book goes more in-depth, but here are a few of the main tips Chelsey shares in her interview with Kristina.
1. Hold space for them
It seems like behind every teenage girl is a parent dealing with some kind of conflict management. And many a time, the response is eyes glazing over in darkness with a “never mind” or “whatever” at the decibel that only causes irritation for both parties.
Chelsey explains that, oftentimes, girls at this age just want to feel heard. But what they’re getting instead is unsolicited advice, invalidating emotions, and gaslighting.
So she advises to “allow some space”—or “holding space” as she calls it—“for a teenage girl [to] have big feelings and sometimes be mad and angry and frustrated.”
The key is attentive listening, which, as research shows, helps teens open up. Eye contact, nodding, and using key words to praise openness—all these listening techniques can do wonders.
2. Trust them
“I found the more trust you give girls and say it out loud, like, ‘I am choosing to trust you right now,’ girls rise to the occasion and want to deliver on that,” says Chelsey.
The reality is, a lot of mistrust and overprotectedness are rooted in trauma. And as a parent, you may project your own fear and past experiences onto your daughter.
What happens then? A cycle of control and resistance. It can also hinder her ability to make her own decisions and learn from her experiences.
Trust doesn’t only mean saying it verbally and meaning it. It also means reflecting on your own experiences and working through any fears that may interfere with your teen’s growth.
“When you tell your kid that you trust them, even if they make a mistake, that they can get through it, that they can,” Chelsey adds, “then they start trusting themselves.”
3. Help redefine “power”
The narrative of this trait has long been linked to domination, oppression, violence, self-interest, wealth, status, and so on. Never has it been associated with empathy, care, generosity, and love.
But what if, as Chelsey points out, the latter traits were considered “the most powerful force on the planet”? “What if we actually thought of that as powerful?”
Imagine it: “You gave so much care and empathy; how powerful of you!” Or, “I’m powerful because I’m empathic.”
These types of positive reinforcement can help lead to better self-esteem and feelings of self-worth, as found in a 10-year study by Birmingham Young University.
Adding on to that, Chelsey explains that redefining the perception of “power” can have a ripple effect. It’s one she hopes will shift to where there’s more empathy, care, generosity, and love, not only towards teenage girls but to the world as a whole.
Great change starts here
For sure, Underestimated by Chelsey Gooden is a voice for the adolescent female force so their liberated, fierce, passionate spirit can shine. But if you’re not part of that group, there are plenty of other books that may do the same for you.
You can find one you resonate with at the Mindvalley Book Club with Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani. Each month, she handpicks inspiring transformational books that may possibly be the key to your next big breakthrough.
What’s more, she sits down with the authors to discuss engaging topics like authenticity, self-awareness, self-love, and many more that are so incredibly important in making this world a better place to live.
If you want in on the next big hit, join the club. It’s as simple as clicking a button.
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