Love. It, as the Deon Jackson song goes, makes the world go around. “It makes a boy and girl, oh, say they feel so fine now.”
But what happens when you get cheated on? Lied to? Gaslit? Kept in the dark? Deceived? Humiliated? Ghosted?
The resulting breach of trust from these events can lead to something called betrayal trauma. And unhealed, it’s a heartbreak that keeps haunting you, even in your future relationships. Love, definitely, then does not feel so fine now.
“Most of us assume that true love lasts a lifetime,” says Katherine Woodward Thomas, the best-selling author of Conscious Uncoupling, in her Mindvalley Quest with the same name. “And that if a relationship ends for any other reason than one or both people died, that relationship must be a failure.”
But it’s not. And there’s a way to heal… when you dare to take back your happiness.
What is betrayal trauma?
Betrayal trauma, in a nutshell, is the emotional pain and hurt you feel when your partner completely breaks your trust.
It’s more than just the feeling of being let down—it can feel like your whole world getting flipped upside down, leaving you questioning everything, from your relationship to your own judgment. The deeper the trust and dependence you have on the person, the more intense the trauma can feel.
“As with all trauma, betrayal trauma is a shockingly deep wound of disbelief melded with grief resulting in an unexpected wounding of the mind, heart, and soul by a betrayal,” Dr. Virginia Marie Love (or Dr. Gin, as she prefers to be called), an intuitive psychotherapist and relationship and trauma specialist, tells Mindvalley Pulse. Simply put, it can seriously mess with your memory and emotions.
That’s what psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd’s research found—her betrayal trauma theory shows when someone you trust stabs you in the back, your brain might actually block or twist memories of what happened to shield you from the pain. While this can help you cope at first, it can (and often does) lead to long-term struggles like anxiety, depression, and trouble trusting people again.
Stages
When it comes to trauma of this nature, people typically go through the five stages of grief:
- Shock and denial. You feel blindsided or too overwhelmed to process—especially in cases of blind betrayal, where there were no warning signs at all. Many people experience numbness, disbelief, or a sense of detachment.
- Anger and blame. You may direct your pent-up frustration at the betrayer, yourself, or even others who were involved or who you believe could have prevented it.
- Sadness and grief. You mourn the loss of the relationship, the broken trust, shattered expectations, and the emotional connection that’s been damaged or lost.
- Reflection and processing. You may reflect on patterns, boundaries, or vulnerabilities that led to the situation, as well as begin understanding how the betrayal has affected your sense of self and trust in others.
- Acceptance and healing. You start to come to terms with what happened, even if it’s still painful, and rebuild your sense of self.
With that said, it’s important to understand that each person’s experience is unique. Dr. Gin explains that while trauma in and of itself is universal in nature, betrayal trauma “calls us to the action of surrendering to the reality of disbelief while grappling with the inability to accept the loss that dictates the tides of the betrayal.”
She adds that going through these stages is rarely (or never) ever linear. They “come in their own order and waves.”
What’s more, if you choose to continue your relationship with your partner, there needs to be efforts to restore trust where both you and your partner work on accountability, communication, and transparency. If the relationship ends, learning how to get over someone you love can help you to trust others in future relationships.
Signs and symptoms of betrayal trauma
Experiencing a breach of trust can be emotional, but it can also show up in how you act, think, and even feel physically. You might not even realize some of the things you’re going through are connected to the betrayal.
Let’s break down the common signs and symptoms so you can start making sense of it all.
Signs
These are behaviors or patterns you might notice:
- Difficulty trusting your partner (or anyone else).
- Constantly checking your partner’s actions (like texts or whereabouts).
- Avoiding situations or conversations that remind you of the betrayal.
- Becoming overly suspicious or paranoid in relationships.
- Pulling away emotionally or shutting down completely.
- Overthinking or replaying the betrayal over and over.
- Having a strong need for reassurance or validation from others.
- Struggling to set boundaries or feeling guilty for doing so.
- Staying in the relationship despite feeling hurt or stuck.
Symptoms
These are emotional, mental, or physical effects you might experience:
- Intense anxiety or panic attacks.
- Feeling depressed, hopeless, or unmotivated.
- Difficulty focusing or memory problems.
- Trouble sleeping, nightmares, or insomnia.
- Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, or fatigue.
- Mood swings, irritability, or feeling emotionally numb.
- Flashbacks or intrusive thoughts about the betrayal.
- Low self-esteem or questioning your self-worth.
- Feeling isolated or like no one understands your pain.
Both signs and symptoms can show up differently for everyone, but they all point to the deep impact betrayal can have on your mental and emotional health.
What causes it?
One moment, you’re in love. The other moment, you’re left wondering how your relationship went belly up. Or why all your relationships just seem to always end in sh*t.
It helps to look at what could’ve led to this kind of emotional pain to understand its root causes better. Here are a few common ones:
- Infidelity, emotionally or physically
- Major lies or deception
- Gaslighting or other forms of emotional manipulation
- Leaving without warning or explanation
- Stonewalling, avoiding conflict resolution, or refusing to engage emotionally
- Broken promises
- Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
- Hidden addictions
- Hidden debts or misuse of joint funds
- Unrequited love
All of these betrayals can really shift how safe and loved you feel within your relationship. As Katherine says, “The truth is, we simply cannot continue to invest our energies in our neuroses, our dramas, our resentments, and our fears and think that we are a space for love.”
So, recognize the damage done and make space to let go of the pain. Only then can trauma healing begin to happen.
How to heal from betrayal trauma: 6 guiding principles from a relationship expert
Trust, according to Katherine, is a huge aspect of betrayal trauma recovery. She explains, “You can’t really have a healthy relationship if there’s no trust between you, and you don’t know how to repair that trust when it’s been broken.”
But rebuilding trust with someone else is only half the battle. The real work is learning to trust yourself again and rebuild your confidence.
Here are six principles Katherine shares in her Mindvalley Quest that can help—even after the deepest heartbreak.
1. Take responsibility for your part
Healing from betrayal trauma starts with self-reflection. While someone else’s actions may have caused the hurt, it’s powerful to look at how you may have contributed to the relationship dynamic.
Did you ignore the red flags? Were your boundaries unclear?
Katherine says that when you’re willing to “own” your part in things, you can “unleash a tremendous amount of power to catapult [your] own development beyond painful patterns and generate a positive future.”
This, obviously, doesn’t excuse the betrayal, nor is it about blaming yourself. Rather, it can help you step out of the victim role and move forward with clarity and self-awareness.
2. Be intentional about the future you want to create
When you’ve been backstabbed, it’s easy to get into a cycle of “woe is me.” But Katherine points out that you actually can learn how to get over betrayal trauma and learn how to open your heart to a much more positive future.
She suggests to…
- Set clear intentions and then,
- Live in alignment with those intentions.
“Our past and present circumstances—they don’t determine our future,” Katherine says. What does, though, is in the actions you take and the choices you make now that are “consistent with the future that you’re standing for.”
3. Make amends to yourself and others
Making amends might sound odd when you’re the one who got the short end of the stick. But as Katherine explains, this principle is about healing your own heart by transforming your pain into something meaningful.
You can start by letting go of guilt, forgiving yourself for any mistakes, and setting healthier boundaries moving forward. Katherine suggests creating “something of equal or even greater value that turns your suffering into something beautiful like wisdom and love that you can pay forward,” whether that’s helping a friend through a similar situation or simply committing to your growth.
Psychologists Dr. Hazel Markus and Dr. Paula Nurius looked into how people going through heartbreak imagined their “possible selves”—basically, the version of themselves they could become in the future. They found that the ones who could picture a hopeful future, even when everything felt awful, were way more likely to actually get there.
So, by focusing on the person you want to become, you’ll naturally take the steps to heal from betrayal trauma and build a stronger, wiser version of yourself.
4. Strive to leave everyone involved whole and complete
“Breakups are a litmus test of character,” Katherine explains. “They can tempt even the most mature and spiritually advanced of us to behave badly at the end of a relationship.”
She encourages that when you’re healing from a breakup, take the high road. Choose actions that leave you and others emotionally whole. This could mean letting go of the need for revenge or resisting the urge to badmouth your ex.
Instead, focus on emotional balance. Ask yourself, “How can I respond in a way that aligns with my values?” Whether it’s for yourself, your children, or your community, doing so can help foster peace and integrity.
5. Redefine success
Betrayal often feels like failure. You may feel like you’re not good enough, that every person is out to get you, or that you’ll never be able to trust or to love again.
The reality is, betrayal doesn’t equal failure. Katherine challenges the idea that relationships are only “successful” if they last forever.
Instead, she suggests looking at success differently: the good moments you shared, the lessons you’ve learned, and the personal growth that came from it. Like a “when one door closes, another one opens” kind of perspective.
Using betrayal trauma therapy tools like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help reframe how you see the situation. For example, rather than viewing the breakup as the end of the world, see it as a step toward becoming stronger, wiser, and ready for something better.
6. Consider all those impacted
Katherine points out that relationships don’t exist in a bubble. They belong to “an extended, expanded community of others who may now be impacted by your separation,” like your family, your friends, and even your children.
A study on how divorce affects friendships found that it can really shake things up, especially with mutual friends or other couples. More than half said they lost a friendship with one person, and about one in eight said they lost both. (Only around a third managed to keep both friendships intact.)
That’s why it’s important to be mindful of how your actions during healing impact others. Avoid forcing people to take sides. Or using loved ones as emotional battlegrounds.
Instead, Katherine adds, encourage those around you to “support you both in ways that are appropriate to the new form that the relationship is taking.”
Heal. Rise. Thrive.
No doubt, the feeling of mistrust sucks. But it doesn’t have to define your story.
As Dr. Gin puts it, “We possess abilities beyond our knowing to create even greater love—for ourselves, the ones we currently love (like our family and friends), and the love we long to share with another who awaits us in the future.”
Katherine Woodward Thomas knows this all too well. After going through a painful divorce, she created her powerful Conscious Uncoupling method and found her way to what she calls “happily even after.” Now, she’s sharing those same tools with you.
Take her free class—one of the lessons from her Mindvalley Quest—and start transforming heartbreak into a breakthrough. Because, in Katherine’s words, when it comes down to it, “Love belongs to us all.”
Welcome in.
