Authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting: How your discipline style shapes your child’s future

Are you the “Do your homework now, or no playing at all” kind of parent? Or are you the “Finish your homework first, then you can play” type?

There’s a great difference between authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting. One firm, yet warm. And the other is more of a no-negotiation approach.

“We parents, we have this unbelievable quality of loving these children, where our love knows no bounds, where our love for our children is unparalleled,” says Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a clinical psychologist, in her Conscious Parenting Mastery program on Mindvalley. “We know that this love also brings with it great anxiety, stress, and heartache.”

Love alone doesn’t shape a child, but how you express it does. The question isn’t whether you love your child, but whether your parenting style helps them thrive or just keeps them in line.

Authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting—what’re the differences?

All parents set rules, but how they enforce them influences the kind of human that is being raised. Some lead with guidance, others with control.

According to the Baumrind parenting styles, there are four main approaches—authoritarian and authoritative being on that list. Here’s a side-by-side comparison of the two:

While both demand respect, one builds trust while the other enforces fear. So, which one are you?

What is authoritative parenting?

Authoritative parenting is firm but fair. It sets clear rules, but instead of barking orders, it teaches kids why those rules exist.

The word “authoritative” means commanding respect while being knowledgeable and fair. So the parent who follows this style might say, “I expect you to be home by 9 PM. If you’re running late, call me so I know you’re safe.”

This approach fosters confidence, problem-solving, and emotional regulation. In fact, research shows this parenting style boosts academic achievement by building confidence and a strong drive to succeed.

Unlike the permissive approach, which lacks structure, or authoritarian discipline, which demands blind obedience, authoritative parents use conscious discipline to guide rather than dictate. It balances structure with the emotional attunement of attachment parenting, aligning closely with Dr. Shefali’s conscious parenting approach.

“Our children didn’t come into the world to be our puppets,” she explains. “They came here to struggle, fumble, thrive, and enjoy—a journey for which they need our encouragement.”

That’s the very essence of authoritative parenting. It’s like Bridgerton’s Violet Bridgerton. Or To Kill a Mockingbird’s Atticus Finch. Their discipline comes with warmth, and expectations come with support.

Ultimately, these two characters provide boundaries while allowing room for autonomy. This helps children respect rules since they’re able to understand the reasons behind them.

What is authoritarian parenting?

Authoritarian parenting is all about parenting control. Rules are strict. Expectations are non-negotiable. Questioning authority isn’t an option. And discipline? It’s enforced.

Coined by psychologist Diana Baumrind (known for the Baumrind parenting styles framework), it mirrors authoritarian rule—a system where absolute authority is enforced without question. The word itself comes from authority, but in this context, it means strict control with little to no flexibility.

A parent who follows this style might say, “Be home by 9 PM or you lose your phone privileges for a week.” There’s no discussion, only obedience.

While this approach can create well-behaved children in the short term, it often comes at a cost. Research shows that kids with authoritarian parents often struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, and trouble making their own decisions.

Eleanor Young from Crazy Rich Asians or Captain Von Trapp from Sound of Music (before Maria loosened him up) both held an unshakable devotion to order. They enforced strict expectations, demanded obedience, and prioritized tradition over emotional connection.

It’s the essence of the traditional parent. According to Dr. Shefali, this style “looks at the child as the object of the focus.” When a child misbehaves, the parent focuses on fixing the child rather than understanding the root cause.

Worse still, they micromanage, obsess, shield, and equate success with achievement. “We mistakenly believe,” Dr. Shefali adds, “that this is the way we were meant to be good parents.”

This style may produce disciplined children, but without trust or communication, it can also create fear and resentment.

Authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting examples

The difference between these two parenting styles isn’t always loud or obvious. Sometimes, it’s hidden in the smallest interactions—the kind that leave a lasting impact.

Here’s a closer look at authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting examples in different scenarios.

Example 1: Handling a tantrum

• Authoritarian parent: “Stop crying right now. If you don’t behave, we’re leaving.”
• Authoritative parent: “I see you’re upset. Take a deep breath, and let’s figure this out together.”

Example 2: A bad grade on a test

• Authoritarian parent: “This is unacceptable. You’re grounded until your grades improve.”
• Authoritative parent: “Let’s go over the test together. What do you think went wrong, and how can we fix it?”

Example 3: A missed curfew

• Authoritarian parent: “You’re late. No phone for a week.”
• Authoritative parent: “You didn’t make curfew. What happened, and how can we make sure it doesn’t happen again?”

Being strict is one thing. But, according to Dr. Daniel Siegal, the executive director of the Mindsight Institute, children can feel confused when their emotions or experiences are dismissed or misinterpreted by a parent or trusted adult.

“How we treat our children changes who they are and how they will develop,” he highlights in his book, Parenting from the Inside Out. “Their brains need our parental involvement. Nature needs nurture.”

The psychological impact of each parenting style

The way you parent impacts your child for life. So when it comes to authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting styles, the differences run deep.

Our children didn’t come into the world to be our puppets. They came here to struggle, fumble, thrive, and enjoy—a journey for which they need our encouragement.

— Dr. Shefali Tsabary, trainer of Mindvalley’s Conscious Parenting Mastery program

Let’s look at the former, for instance. Kids who are raised with mindful parenting and positive discipline tend to…

• Feel valued and capable,
• Express emotions in healthy ways,
• Think for themselves,
• Have better social and romantic relationships, and
• Handle challenges well.

Studies in child psychology have shown that authoritative parenting boosts self-esteem, self-belief, and self-regulation by fostering independence and emotional security.

However, those who are raised under a more restrictive parenting philosophy tend to have:

• Doubt themselves,
• Obey out of fear (which can lead to chronic stress),
• Difficulty with independence,
• A tendency to either rebel or become overly obedient, and
• Struggles forming healthy relationships.

“The notion of disciplining your kids really allows the parent then to do literally anything carte blanche to the child if the child fails to be obedient,” Dr. Shefali highlights.

One study found that kids who are raised in such a way are more likely to experience higher anxiety, emotional suppression, and poor resilience to stress. That’s why understanding the differences between authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting can mold the way your child grows.

And when push comes to shove, control over connection leaves a mark—one that can linger into adulthood.

How to transition from authoritarian to authoritative parenting

“Control is really now an archaic, old way of living and parenting,” says Dr. Shefali. And just because strict control shaped the past doesn’t mean it has to define the future.

Shifting from authoritarian to authoritative parenting means moving away from obedience-driven discipline and toward guidance, trust, and respect. It also means looking inward, recognizing how your own childhood experiences impact your parenting, and then choosing to break cycles, not repeat them.

According to Dr. Siegal, to break free from the past, we need to recognize how our ingrained beliefs and automatic reactions shape the way we see and respond to the world. “Taking time to reflect opens the door to conscious awareness, which brings with it the possibility of change.”

It’s a process, for sure. But one that can change your relationship with your child—here’s how:

1. Pause before you project

Parents often assume they know exactly what their child is thinking or feeling. But what if those assumptions have nothing to do with the child at all?

Projection happens when we unconsciously place our own emotions, fears, or expectations onto our kids. For instance, if your child doesn’t want to wear the outfit you picked out, your response might be, “You don’t like it? After all the effort I put into choosing it?”

What that does is form their reality before they’ve even had a chance to define it themselves. 

“Children are particularly vulnerable to becoming the targets of the projection of our nonconscious emotions and unresolved issues,” explains Dr. Siegal. And when they absorb it, they may struggle to develop their own emotional awareness and self-trust. They might abandon their true feelings to align with what their parents believe they should feel.

Over time, this can lead to:

• Difficulty identifying their own emotions.
• Becoming a people-pleaser.
• Constantly questioning whether their emotions are “right” or “wrong.”

“We have to train ourselves to enter a space of observation and witness without outward action,” Dr. Shefali advises. “We need to begin to listen to our own self before the stuff comes out of us.”

Before reacting, pause and ask yourself:

• Am I responding to my child’s actual emotions, or am I seeing my own feelings reflected in them?
• Am I assuming they’re sad, scared, or struggling because that’s how I would have felt in their situation?
• Is this about what they need, or is my ego looking for control, validation, or reassurance?

When you do so, you create space for your child to own their emotions, trust their instincts, and build a strong sense of self.

2. Lean into empathy rather than expectations

Parents naturally set expectations for their children—how they treat others, how they contribute to the world. But when expectations become rigid or tied to a parent’s own needs, they stop guiding and start pressuring.

“Expectations kill connection,” says Dr. Shefali. “The moment we have an expectation of our children, especially if it’s extra or heavy, they smell it immediately. They know we want something from them, and then they automatically begin to withdraw from us.”

Instead of holding onto what you want your child to be, shift to who they actually are. That means:

• Identifying your expectations. Notice when you feel frustrated with your child. Ask yourself, “What am I expecting here? Is this about them or about my own unmet desires?”
• Reevaluating the expectation. Is it realistic? Is it necessary? Would you place the same demand on another adult?
• Choosing acceptance. Either change the expectation or change the situation, but don’t expect a child to be someone they’re not.

The more you release expectations, the more you create space for true empathy. You develop the parenting skills that allow you to see your child as they are, not as a reflection of your hopes or fears.

3. Trade judgment for acceptance

“We are constantly judging [our children],” says Dr. Shefali, “and we don’t even realize that we’re putting this onto them.”

It could be as subtle as saying, “You’re such a good kid when you listen” or as blatant as, “Don’t be lazy” when they haven’t finished their homework.

When kids grow up feeling judged, they either rebel against it or internalize it as self-criticism. But when you let go of the need to constantly evaluate and control, they can eventually let go of the fear of being constantly measured.

• Notice when you’re labeling your child. Are you reacting to their behavior or to an idea of who they should be?
• Separate your child from their actions. Instead of “You’re being so lazy,” try “You haven’t finished your homework yet. What’s going on?”
• Practice non-judgment. Let your child evolve at their own pace, without assigning them fixed identities.

“In order to accept our children, we need to let go of all these ideations that we know what is better for them, that we know what is good for them, and we know what is bad,” Dr. Shefali says.

“We need to remove ideations around lesser than or better than, and we need to simply enter a state of wholeness and celebration of worth as it is.”

4. Respond, don’t react

You’re running late. Your child refuses to put on their shoes. Before you know it, you’re snapping: “Just put them on! We’re leaving NOW.” Sound familiar?

Dr. Shefali calls this reactive parenting—when stress, exhaustion, or past experiences take over, leading to impulsive discipline instead of intentional guidance. “Most of us are reactors, not interactors,” she explains.

The problem? Kids pick up on more than just what you say. They mirror how you handle stress, frustration, and conflict, whether that’s reacting impulsively or staying calm under pressure.

“People who remain in the dark about the origins of their behaviors and intense emotional responses are unaware of their unresolved issues and the parental ambivalence they create,” Dr. Siegal emphasizes.

So the next time you feel anger bubbling up, try this instead:

• Notice the emotional triggers. Are you angry because of their behavior, or is this about your own stress, fatigue, or unmet needs?
• Pause before speaking. Imagine your emotions as ocean waves—let them rise, crest, and fall before responding.
• Regulate first, then guide. Once you’ve calmed down, address the situation with clarity instead of frustration.

Emotional regulation starts with you. When you stay calm, your child learns how to do the same, which ultimately fosters healthier behavioral outcomes.

5. Lead with curiosity, not control

You might think you know your child inside and out… But how often do you let them tell you who they are?

Dr. Shefali calls curiosity the antidote to control. “All true connection emerges from one place only: our connection to ourselves,” she explains. If we are disconnected from ourselves, our children will sense it.

Rather than dictating what your child should think, feel, or do, invite conversation. Swap control for curiosity:

• Instead of: “You should have done it this way.”
  Try: “What do you think would work best here?”
• Instead of: “That’s not the right choice.”
  Try: “What made you decide that?”
• Instead of: “Because I said so.”
  Try: “Let’s talk about why this rule matters.”

Whether you’re parenting, stepparenting, or caregiving, showing interest creates trust. It tells your child that their thoughts matter and that they have the space to figure things out on their own. And when they feel safe enough to express themselves, you help raise confident kids who trust their own voice.

Real-life case studies from conscious parenting experts

Parenting challenges us in ways we never expect. The more we understand ourselves, the better we show up for our children.

These real-life stories are proof that conscious, authoritative parenting—rooted in trust, respect, and connection—can create lasting change for both parent and child.

A mother’s journey from reactivity to connection

Giuseppina Gawthorpe had always been regarded as “shouty mummy”—something she “always had to endure growing up” and “desperately want to change.” But like many parents, she found herself reacting out of habit, projecting her own fears and insecurities onto her son.

Learning from Dr. Shefali’s teachings, she began shifting from reaction to awareness. Instead of jumping in to fix or control, she started listening and allowing her son to navigate his own emotions and come up with his own solutions.

A single father’s path to healing and growth

Sudhir Nandiga knew the weight of single parenting—both for himself and his child. “We both have been going through those tough emotions and pain,” he shared. But after going through Dr. Shefali’s Conscious Parenting Mastery program on Mindvalley, everything shifted.

“My connection with my child has changed to a completely different level,” he added. That, too, of his own inner child has changed, now with so much love and respect.

By embracing the authoritarian style, he let go of past conditioning and saw both himself and his child through a new lens. “OMG, what a phenomenal transformation it is,” he wrote. “My heart is shining with so much love.”

A father’s transformation from unresolved childhood wounds

In Parenting from the Inside Out, Dr. Siegel wrote of a father, Dan, who wanted to comfort his son during moments of distress—but instead of soothing, he found himself impatient and irritated. Without realizing it, he was repeating deeply ingrained emotional patterns from his own unresolved childhood experiences.

Through self-reflection, Dan uncovered the root of his reaction: an internal discomfort with vulnerability and dependency. Left unexamined, this could have led him to push his son toward premature independence, dismissing normal childhood emotions as “needy” or “spoiled.”

“While I wanted to be connected to my son during the moments of distress, my own ambivalence created conflict between my desired response and actual behavior,” he admitted. But once he became conscious of this pattern, he could finally change it.

Love deeper, connect stronger

Here’s the simple truth: parenting isn’t about getting it right every time. Even the most conscious parents slip into old habits, lose their patience, or hear their own parents’ voices coming out of their mouths. What matters most is awareness.

Every time you choose connection over control, curiosity over assumption, and empathy over expectation, you reshape the relationship with your child. And when you slip up? You recognize it, repair it, and keep moving forward.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s Conscious Parenting Mastery free class offers a powerful first step. Oprah calls her approach “revolutionary” for a reason—it challenges outdated parenting norms and replaces them with a model built on trust, respect, and deep understanding.

If you’re ready to break cycles and raise your child with greater awareness, this class will show you how. Because the greatest gift you can give your child is your own transformation.

Welcome in.