Ah, Ross and Rachel. We all know the deal—they “were on a break!” It’s a constant loop of the drama triangle that would make even the most seasoned soap opera star roll their eyes.
Ross, feeling neglected and jealous, gets clingy. Rachel apologizing for wanting to focus on her career. Even though she hasn’t done anything wrong, he gets upset, blaming her. When she breaks up with him, he sleeps with someone else, and the cycle repeats: guilt, jealousy, and blame—neither of them able to break free.
The truth is, this kind of destructive back-and-forth doesn’t just happen in TV shows or movies. It’s a pattern we all fall into—whether we recognize it or not.
“The problem,” as relationship therapist Dr. Laura Berman points out in her Quantum Love: The Blueprint for Extraordinary Relationships program on Mindvalley, “is that most of us spend more than half of our time on the triangle and don’t even realize that we’re on it.”
But understanding why it happens is the first step toward shifting the narrative.
What is the drama triangle?
The drama triangle is a psychological concept that explains the roles we sometimes fall into when things get messy or tense. Created by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman, it shows how we can get stuck in unhealthy patterns of behavior with other people.
But Dr. Berman adapted this idea for relationships and switched things up a bit. (While the Karpman drama triangle is victim-rescuer-persecutor, her version is victim-villain-hero.) It’s the same basic concept, but with a twist that’s more suited to the ups and downs of romantic dynamics:
- The victim is the person who feels helpless and often has low self-esteem. They believe they’ve got no control over things and tend to wait for someone to swoop in and save the day.
- The villain criticizes, judges, and controls, often making others feel bad or guilty. Think of the person always pointing fingers and never taking responsibility for their actions.
- The hero wants to help and save the victim, often at the cost of their own needs. They might feel great about their good deeds, but their attempts to help don’t always solve anything—and sometimes they just make things worse.
The thing is, the drama triangle is a bit of a trap. You can get stuck in these roles, and the cycle just keeps repeating itself.
The problem is that most of us spend more than half of our time on the triangle and don’t even realize that we’re on it.
— Dr. Laura Berman, trainer of Mindvalley’s Quantum Love: The Blueprint for Extraordinary Relationships program
The rescuer might get fed up and turn into the persecutor, blaming the victim for not appreciating their help. Or the victim might snap and start blaming everyone else, even the person who was trying to help them in the first place.
“We slip into these roles from time to time, often even combining a couple of roles at once, like victim and villain at the same time,” says Dr. Berman.
She adds that we often find ourselves slipping into our preferred roles, especially when we’re triggered or during a heated argument. We don’t always realize it, but the reality is, it can happen at any time.
How you fall into the drama triangle
Getting into these unhealthy relationship patterns often starts with past trauma or learned behaviors from childhood. Here’s a look at each role and how you may carry that baggage into your adult relationships:
The victim
Dr. Virginia Marie Love (better known as Dr. Gin), an intuitive psychotherapist and relationship and trauma specialist, explains that those who are overly codependent are products of “a family environment that was ensconced in drama, which became the hard-wired programming they now work through life attempting to resolve.” In fact, one study found that this belief in unworthiness can push a person into the victim role.
Here’s an example: A man who didn’t have a caring mom growing up might end up with a woman who acts more like a caretaker than a partner. She fills the need for the nurturing he missed, but it’s in an unbalanced way.
The villain
People fall into this role when they feel vulnerable or insecure, and instead of addressing those emotions directly, they lash out. Dr. Berman describes them as “typically critical, tends to be sarcastic, and often points the finger of blame.”
For instance, a couple is late to a dinner party because of unexpected traffic. The man, feeling frustrated, blames the woman, saying, “You should’ve known this would happen.” Instead of accepting the situation is out of their control, he goes out of his window of tolerance and lashes out. The blame goes to her as he refuses to listen when she tries to explain.
That’s the thing with villains—instead of showing vulnerability or expressing their own hurt, they deflect their own fear or insecurity by becoming hostile and blaming others.
The hero
“The hero feels responsible for everyone else’s happiness,” explains Dr. Berman, “and is willing to do whatever it takes to make others feel comfortable at any cost.”
She goes on to explain that people in this role act out of a sense of ego and low-frequency energy. And they believe they must always “save” others to feel valued.
This can lead to a cycle of codependency, where the hero is so focused on meeting others’ needs—whether at home or at work—that they forget to take care of themselves. And this can cause mental load and lead them to burn out.
Drama triangle examples
Ross and Rachel’s dynamic may be a quintessential example of the drama triangle. But how could it play out in real life?
Here are some common instances:
Parent and teenager
Your teen feels misunderstood and retreats to their room, slipping into the victim role. People in this role often feel helpless and may express passive-aggressive behavior. For example, your teen might say, “I don’t care” when asked about dinner, only to feel upset later when you (or your partner) don’t pick their favorite restaurant.
As the parent, you want to fix the situation, so you step in to “rescue” them, offering advice or trying to solve the problem. But instead of appreciating your help, your teen pulls away, growing more resentful.
This frustration eventually leads you to become the villain and criticize their behavior.
Workplace drama
You’re constantly being criticized by your manager for missed deadlines, which leaves you feeling helpless and unappreciated. When you’re in this victim role, you often feel like the responsibility for your life is out of your hands and you wait for someone else to step in and make things right.
Your coworker, wanting to be the hero, steps in to cover for you, staying late to finish your tasks. But instead of being grateful, your manager mistakes this as weaponized incompetence and criticizes both of you, becoming the villain of the story.
This makes you feel guilty for needing help in the first place, reinforcing your sense of helplessness and frustration.
Friendship fallout
You feel like you’re always giving more to the friendship, but in the end, you feel drained and neglected. As a victim, you’re more likely to interpret even harmless gestures as hidden insults or believe that your friend is really a covert narcissist.
They, wanting to make things right, try to overcompensate by offering gifts or making extra efforts to show they care (as any hero would do). However, instead of making things feel better, it just ends up feeling awkward and insincere.
Eventually, feeling unappreciated, you get frustrated. The villain in you comes out and you start blaming them for being too demanding.
Romantic relationship
You start to feel insecure in your relationship, questioning whether your partner is truly invested or if they care enough. In this moment, you slip into the victim role, feeling vulnerable and relying on your partner to lift you up and make everything better.
Your partner tries to reassure you. As the hero, they shower you with gifts and attention. But instead of feeling comforted, you shut them out.
This only frustrates your partner, who now doesn’t know how to respond to your stonewalling. They turn into the villain and start blaming you for your behavior.
This only makes you feel even more guilty for needing their reassurance.
Social media drama
You’re scrolling through your feed, feeling left out as your friends share their happy moments. As you look at their posts, you start wishing you could be part of those moments but feeling like a victim who’s powerless to change your situation.
A friend notices your silence and decides to reach out, sending a message or suggesting plans to hang out. They take on the hero role, trying to lift your spirits, but instead of feeling reassured, you start to question their intentions, wondering if they’re only doing it to appear caring.
Eventually, your frustration builds, and you begin to accuse them of only checking in because they feel obligated. This shift pushes your friend into the villain role, as they start blaming you for being ungrateful and making them feel like their kindness was wasted.
Recognizing the drama triangle in your life
In the heat of an argument or when emotions are running high, it can be a lot of “he said, she said.”
Dr. Gin adds that breaking the cycle is by “taking accountability for your own behaviors and clearly stating to your partner what your needs are emotionally.”
But how can you tell? There are clear signs you can look out for:
- You notice that you constantly feel like you’re the one being wronged or that nothing ever goes your way. This often comes with the thought, “If only they’d do this, or act that way, everything would be fine.”
- You catch yourself pointing fingers and blaming others for what’s wrong in the situation. In this situation, you’re entirely convinced the other person is responsible for the problem, and you might even start to gaslight or criticize them in an attempt to regain control.
- You feel responsible for fixing everyone’s problems or find yourself bending over backward to make others happy (even at the cost of your own needs).
- You feel absolutely certain that you’re in the right and the other person is in the wrong. This is when you’re operating from a place of ego and it keeps you on the drama triangle loop.
- You find yourself overreacting emotionally to something minor. In this moment, you might feel overwhelmed or stuck, like nothing you do will change the situation. This is when the drama triangle often takes hold, leading to defensiveness, anger, or helplessness.
The bottom line is, breaking free really starts with self-awareness. The moment you recognize the roles and triggers, you regain the power to step out of the cycle.
How to get out of the drama triangle
If you’ve ever been stuck in a whirlwind of drama, you know how exhausting it can feel. But no one’s stuck in this toxic cycle if they don’t want to be there.
There are some solid drama triangle solutions that can help you stop the madness. Here are some steps you can take:
1. Take responsibility for your role
It’s easy to fall into the blame game, but if you do, you’ll never get off that ride. So Dr. Berman advises to “always try to take your own 100%.”
Take Ross and Rachel, for instance. Instead of recognizing his own feelings of insecurity or jealousy, Ross blames her for not caring about him or their relationship. And Rachel? Victim mentality until she no longer could take his constant whining and jealousy. Then, the roles switch, and she becomes the villain while he harps on the “We were on a break!” excuse.
A healthier dynamic would be for both of them to own up to their emotions. Ross could admit that he’s jealous of Mark. Rachel could express her need for space and independence.
When both partners stop blaming each other and start owning their 100%, they can break free from the cycle and create a more balanced relationship.
2. Understand your emotional triggers
Emotional triggers often lead to an automatic reaction. Like when Ross sees Rachel’s coworker, Mark, his jealousy flares up. Or when Rachel sees Ross with Bonnie, she convinces her to shave her head.
These triggers come from feelings we haven’t fully dealt with yet. They remind us of past experiences, usually from childhood, where we felt hurt, vulnerable, or unimportant.
How can we address them? Dr. Berman encourages us to ask, “Why is this resonating with me in this way? What is my reaction telling me about me?”
When you understand what’s triggering your emotions, you can stop reacting from a place of defensiveness or frustration and handle the situation with more self-awareness and self-compassion.
3. Speak unarguably
Arguably? Surely you’ve heard of it. But unarguably? What does that even mean?
“When you’re speaking unarguably, you’re speaking truths that apply only to you,” explains Dr. Berman. “So you’re not projecting anything onto your partner, nor are you making assumptions or accusations about how they’re thinking or feeling.”
For instance, instead of saying, “You always do this,” you could try saying, “I feel hurt when this happens.” This way, you’re sharing your own emotions and perspective without attacking. And this takes the power out of the argument and keeps things from escalating into a Ross and Rachel breakup-type drama.
4. Respect boundaries and needs
Have you ever wondered how Ross and Rachel would’ve turned out if he just respected her boundaries and needs? Or if she could’ve just said how she felt instead of showing up at Ross’s wedding to Emily?
“Your partner cannot support your personal development and growth unless you allow them to know the insight of knowing where nurture is most beneficial,” explains Dr. Gin. Research has also found that respecting boundaries in relationships leads to higher satisfaction, especially when both partners are on the same page about their roles.
So be honest about what you need with your partner. And do so while also respecting their needs.
5. Refuse to participate
Sometimes, simply not engaging in the drama is the best way to get out of the drama.
“This is not shutting your partner out by building a wall of self-pity or becoming overly sensitive, emotionally absent, or overly needy,” explains Dr. Gin. Rather, it’s when you make the choice to stay grounded and avoid falling into roles like the victim, villain, or hero.
So when your partner is in your face, acts helpless, or tries to fix things for you, you step back and say, “I’m not going to engage in this right now.”
And it works best when both partners commit to this. The relationship becomes more balanced, and the cycle of drama starts to dissolve.
Heal. Rise. Thrive.
“We were on a break!” may have kept Ross and Rachel in an ever-looping drama triangle, but that doesn’t have to be your love story.
With Mindvalley’s programs, including Dr. Laura Berman’s Quantum Love: The Blueprint for Extraordinary Relationships, you can break free from the emotional cycles that keep you stuck…
…like it did for Nidhi Sood, a freelancer in India, who found “the program’s profound insights have positively shifted my relationships.”
Sign up for a free Mindvalley account and get a taste of how aligning your energy can transform your love life—whether you’re rekindling a relationship or finding new love. You’ll also get access to daily meditations, join a global community, and stay updated on Mindvalley events.
The reality is, love isn’t a TV sitcom. And with the right tools, you can break the cycle and create a connection that’s magnetic and real.
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