Many of us think that conditional love for others is an indication of our high standards or refined sense of discernment.
But it really is the manifestation of our personal insecurities and desperate need for control.
That is why when we say ‘I love you’ in a romantic sense, what we usually mean is, ‘ I need you to conform to my wishes, expectations, and needs so that I can be happy. Should you fail to comply to my desires, guess where my love for you will go? Off with the wind.’
We operate in this way within our relationships and then wonder why they are so difficult.
The Illusion of Ultimatums & Conditional Love
You see, any time you require someone to first fulfill certain expectations in order to qualify for your love, you sow the seeds of your future disappointment and suffering.
For it is the natural law of existence that everything passes.
The person you are attracted to today for their extrinsic attributes, will most probably appear and function differently in a few years time.
So founding your future happiness on their state of being now, is a very unwise investment.
But if not conditional love, what then?
Following are 3 things you can start practicing to help you overcome both the riskiness and ridiculous expectations of conditional love. So you can start approaching love in an empowering way, greatly enhancing your relationships and life experiences.
1. Go on a Self-Discovery Journey
If you do not know who you are, how can you possibly know what you really want?
The number one reason why we suffer in our relationships and in life in general, is because we do not take the time to find out who we really are.
Instead, we go through life basing our expectations on the results of other people’s thinking and convictions, which leaves us disconnected from our own true nature and needs.
To overcome the pitfalls of conditional love and experience true love―the kind which seeks to understand rather than to be understood, to console rather than to be consoled―it is imperative that we first get to know ourselves.
Then we will stop operating our lives and relationships from the insecure point of conditional love.
And the surest path to take in discovering who we are, is that of meditation.
Whether you’re new to meditation or are a seasoned meditator but think you could still benefit from guidance and group meditation, check out Soulvana, where you’ll find a variety of meditation techniques to suit most people.
2. Cultivate Self-Love
The natural progression from going on a self-discovery journey, is in learning how to love yourself.
Just as you cannot know what you want if you do not know yourself, it is also difficult to know how to love yourself, if you do not know who you really are.
Yet, it is only when you know how to love yourself, that you can then love others without first expecting them to conform to your wishes.
Please note, that the kind of self-love I’m talking about here, is not the egoistic and narcissistic version that seeks to manipulate and control others.
But rather, it is the loving kindness generated within yourself, that seeks to support, nourish and reaffirm that you are lovable as you already are, with all your flaws.
When you are able to recognize this for yourself, then it becomes easier for you to extend that same recognition to others.
That they too, are lovable just as they are, with all their shortcomings.
3. Have the Courage to Follow Your Heart & Intuition
Your heart and intuition already know where you want to be and how to get there.
But, your desperate efforts to control your life and others, is what is holding you back from experiencing the kind of love and relationships you truly desire.
Let go of trying to control the progression of your life, and you will start attracting the kind of joyful and effortless love that is the opposite of conditional love.
Also, do not let other people’s opinions influence how you choose to live your life and who you choose to love.
Love is a unique gift that graces each of us in its own unique way.
So, just because the people you know expect love to look and behave in a certain way, does not mean that you too, have to conform to their expectations.
Dare to love in an authentic and unique way and allow love to flow effortlessly into your life, free from manipulation and ultimatums.
To let go of control and conditional love, is to recognize and accept that the universe knows what is in your best interest and is waiting for the perfect time to deliver to you what you most desire.
Relax and stop making lists of conditions others have to conform to in order to be worthy of your love.
Instead, work on becoming the non-judgemental, compassionate and accepting person that others will naturally be drawn to.
And the perfect love you desire to experience, will manifest effortlessly.
Probably arriving in a totally different and much better package than you could ever have envisioned.
Please share with us in the comment section below, any other tips you might know of on how to overcome conditional love.