Have you ever found yourself in something that looks a lot like a relationship, even though no one has actually called it that? You text every day, sleep together, share inside jokes, late-night conversations, and seem to just get each other.
On the surface, the connection feels close and familiar. Underneath it, questions about its officiality keep piling up.
Are you dating? Are you not? What exactly is going on?
If that inner tug-of-war feels familiar, congratulations… you’re in a situationship.
The thing about this gray area is that it can put a dent in your mental health, your self-trust, and how safe you feel asking for what you want. But once you understand what’s really happening, you don’t have to keep guessing where you stand.
What is a situationship?
Those who grew up in the 90s or before know it as “just friends.” But now, the “situationship” meaning, as writer Carina Hsieh explains it, is “the catch-all term for those relationships sitting at the intersection of ‘hooking up’ and ‘in a relationship.’”
“It’s a scary precipice,” she further explains, “teeter-tottering between ‘more than hooking up’ and ‘very much dating,’ where a simple ‘what are we’ can throw the entire system out of balance.”
Surely you’ve run across examples of this, if not in real life, then on the screen. Think:
- Olivia Pope and President Fitzgerald in Scandal,
- Rory and Logan in Gilmore Girls, or
- Monica and Chandler in Friends (obviously, all before they decided to commit to one another).
Situationships happen because they feel easy. There’s connection without pressure, closeness without big conversations, and chemistry without having to decide what it all means. And that flexibility can feel appealing.
Interestingly, a 2023 survey by Real Research found that 40% of Gen Z think situationships should be considered an official relationship status. But without the clarity of if you’re in or out, you’re just left guessing. And that’s how you may end up reading into texts, wondering what certain behaviors mean, or hesitating to ask for more because you don’t know what rules you’re even playing by.
Which begs the question: Does a situationship deserve a seat at the relationship status table, or is it a recipe for emotional entanglement?
Situationship vs. friends with benefits
At first glance, a situationship and a friends-with-benefits setup can look almost identical. In both cases, there’s attraction, physical intimacy, and some level of familiarity. That overlap is exactly why so many people struggle to tell which one they’re actually in.
So where are the distinctions? Mainly at the emotional level.
Friends with benefits is an arrangement where you and the other person are usually clear about the relationship being purely physical. No romantic intentions or dating expectations. Just friends… with “benefits.”
Situationships, on the other hand, have an emotional aspect and a deeper connection, plus physical intimacy. It’s essentially monogamy without the labels.
Now, if you’re unsure which category your connection falls into, pay attention to emotional attachment, expectations, and unspoken hopes. That usually makes the answer obvious.
Situationship vs. relationship
No doubt, a situationship can look a lot like a relationship from the outside. Both share similarities, like emotional intimacy, sexual engagement, connection, and companionship.
However, there’s one main difference between the two. That is, one has a clear label that signals exclusivity, and the other doesn’t.
In a relationship, you and your partner have a mutual understanding and agreement about your status, commitment, and future together. This takes clear communication, defined boundaries, and shared relationship goals.
When there’s a lack of definition, that’s when you’re in situationship territory. You likely don’t know where you stand or what to expect. This ambiguity can (and often does) lead to uncertainty and emotional turmoil.
Pros and cons of being in a situationship
While uncertainty can seem like a downside to most, a situationship can be appealing. You get all the perks of a relationship without actually being in one. And that’s the power of the situationship, according to psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel.
“Just enough consistency to not be alone,” she explains in an interview in Cosmopolitan. “Not in too much of it to not feel trapped.”
So before you dive in head first, heart open, let’s weigh the pros and cons so that you can see if it’s for you:
Pros
- It can offer you a chance to explore intimacy and physical connection without the pressure of commitment.
- There’s a certain level of freedom and ease that come with a lack of expectations in this kind of casual relationship. You can enjoy each other’s company without worrying about labels or long-term plans.
- The attention and validation that come with it can be a welcome boost to your confidence.
- It can give you the space to learn more about your own desires and boundaries in a relatively low-stakes environment.
- It can be a stepping stone potential where the situationship can turn into a relationship if you and the other are ready for it.
Cons
- The lack of commitment can lead to emotional confusion and insecurity or something much deeper, like fearful-abandonment attachment issues.
- Mixed messages and unclear boundaries can cause frustration and resentment.
- One person may desire more commitment than the other, which, then, can lead to hurt feelings.
- Ending a situationship can be messy, especially if feelings are involved.
- It might keep you from putting yourself out there for someone who can offer a serious commitment.
Signs you might be in a situationship
You don’t usually wake up one day and declare this dynamic out loud. It reveals itself through patterns.
So how do you know if you’re in a romantic limbo? Here are some signs that your entanglement might be a situationship, not a full-fledged relationship:
- The dreaded “what are we?” conversation never happens.
- Planning weekends, holidays, or even next week gets dodged.
- You rarely, if ever, appear together online.
- The idea of them seeing someone else stings, even without a label.
- One of you leans in more, texts more, and hopes for more, while the other keeps things casual.
- They’re affectionate and present one day, distant or quiet the next.
- You stop short of asking questions or saying how you really feel because you don’t want to scare them off.
- Moments of closeness feel real, yet they’re followed by doubt and the sense that nothing here is solid.
This kind of “relationship,” the ones with no clear boundaries, can increase your stress factor, as Professor Leanne K. Knobloch points out in The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication. Even when there’s a real emotional connection.
So… find yourself nodding along to several of these signs and perhaps want something more? Well, it might be time to have an honest conversation with yourself (and maybe even your situationship partner) about what you truly want from the connection.
Red flags: What to watch out for
Feeling confused is one thing. Feeling worn down, anxious, or smaller than you were before is another. If you start noticing that shift, it’s time to pay attention to the red flags.
- You feel anxious more often than calm because their inconsistency keeps you guessing, checking your phone, and reading between the lines.
- They avoid responsibility for how their actions affect you, using stonewalling or deflection when you raise concerns.
- You’re kept out of their real life, rarely meeting friends or being included, which leaves you feeling like you don’t fully exist in their world.
- When you ask for clarity, guilt shows up, and you’re made to feel needy, dramatic, or unreasonable for wanting honesty.
- Your boundaries don’t hold, as limits around time, communication, or physical intimacy get pushed until giving in feels easier than speaking up.
- Hurtful comments get brushed off as jokes, even though they linger with you long after.
- You don’t like who you’re becoming in this dynamic, second-guessing yourself more and feeling less grounded the longer you stay.
Situationships can offer just enough security to keep someone close without giving up freedom. But that kind of ongoing ambiguity, as Esther points out, where people are kept in someone’s orbit without real commitment, is “what makes people really feel sh*tty.”
The thing is, when you’re in the gray, it’s easy to feel on edge. Professor Knobloch’s research, alongside Dr. Denise H. Solomon, in Communication Studies shows that unclear relationship status increases anxiety, rumination, and emotional stress.
Which points to the heart of the matter: you deserve a connection that is respectful, supportive, and leaves you feeling good about yourself.
“Even if they feel good and safe,” says the founder of Integrity Dating, Neelam Verma, “if they’re not the partner you’re seeking, it’s time to release them.”
How to end a situationship
If you ever find yourself feeling that this entanglement is no longer serving you, it may be in your best interest to stop trying to make it work and start getting honest about what it’s costing you.
“Toxic energy blocks love,” Neelam points out in her Finding Love with Integrity Dating program on Mindvalley. “Whether it’s an ex, an unhealthy on/off relationship, a job you don’t love, or someone who refuses to commit, it’s time to break up with negative energy that drains you.”
If you decide it’s time to end the situationship, here’s how to do it with clarity and self-respect.
- Before you talk to them, get clear with yourself. In fact, research on self-concept clarity published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that knowing what you want and what you won’t accept reduces emotional distress during relationship transitions.
- When you’re ready to speak, keep it simple. Say what you want and what you don’t without a long explanation. Clarity is what you should be aiming for.
- Pay attention to how they respond. Then, use that response to decide what you do or say next.
- Create distance if staying close keeps you stuck. If continued contact pulls you back into the same patterns, taking space can help you follow through on the decision you’ve already made.
- Don’t negotiate the ending after you’ve made it. Once you’ve said what you need and decided to step away, resist the urge to keep explaining, softening, or reopening the conversation just to ease discomfort.
Remember, ending a relationship that doesn’t line up with your values and desires is an act of self-love. So don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your happiness and setting boundaries for the type of connection you feel you deserve.
How to get over a situationship
Once you’ve decided to walk away, the question becomes how to steady yourself afterward. These next steps, taught by Neelam, focus on rebuilding trust with yourself so you don’t stay stuck in the aftermath.
1. Become the love of your life
After a situationship ends, self-worth can take a hit. And as one study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows, when your self-worth is tied to a romantic relationship, it can lead to self-blame and doubt after the breakup.
That’s why Neelam asks, “Did you know that every relationship in your life reflects the relationship that you have with yourself?” So before you swipe right or go on a date, it’s important you build a strong relationship with yourself.
Set healthy boundaries. Prioritize your needs. Say “no” to dates or relationships that don’t align with your values. Pursue what makes you happy. And notice where you abandon your needs, ignore discomfort, or stay in situations that leave you unsettled.
When you’re able to do all that, you can show up on dates authentically, knowing your value, and ready to share love with someone who deserves it.
2. Embrace integrity
After a situationship, you may notice moments where you stayed silent about what you wanted, agreed to things that didn’t feel right, or kept showing up in ways that didn’t reflect how you actually felt. Embracing integrity means closing that gap.
“What’s integrity?” you might ask. This is how Neelam defines it: having your beliefs, words, and actions match. It’s about keeping your word to yourself, not just to other people.
And when you do that, she explains, “you get into alignment with your true self. You honor your feelings. You listen to your inner voice, and you speak your truth.”
Why’s that important in dating? Simply, there’s no room for games or pretending to be someone you’re not. Moreover, it’ll help you find love with those who share your values and create connections built on trust and authenticity.
3. Open your heart
After a situationship, opening up again can feel risky for a very specific reason. You may worry about misreading signals, trusting too quickly, or ending up in the same unclear dynamic without realizing it.
That hesitation doesn’t mean something is wrong with you; far from it. It really means you’re paying closer attention.
“Many of us fear rejection or we’re afraid of getting hurt, but that’s just the risk that we need to take in order to get on this journey of dating,” Neelam says. So be honest about what you’re looking for, ask questions instead of guessing, and pay attention to how you feel as things unfold.
It takes courage, of course, to put yourself out there. But true connection happens when you open up your heart and share your authentic self.
Love deeper, connect stronger
After a situationship, it’s common to want more clarity before getting involved again. If you’re looking for support while you sort through what you want and how you relate, Mindvalley offers a range of free relationship resources you can explore at your own pace.
Here, you’ll find:
- Quizzes that help you understand your love style,
- Guided meditations focused on self-love,
- Free classes led by relationship experts,
- Downloadable conversation starters, and
- Webinars that explore connection, intimacy, and communication.
There’s no commitment and no single path to follow. You can choose what feels relevant, skip what doesn’t, and use these resources as support while you decide what comes next.
Welcome in.
