Ever found yourself wishing you knew how to start a conversation, especially in situations where it matters the most?
For example, you spot someone intriguing across the café. You make eye contact. They smile. You panic and pretend your croissant needs urgent attention.
Starting a conversation might not require a mic, a spotlight, or jazz hands. But it still takes guts to put yourself out there.
Because sometimes, the boldest thing you can say is simply, “hello.”
How to start a conversation with a girl
Imagine you’re in the shoes of Albert Brennaman from Hitch—a bit clumsy, a whole lot nervous, and trying to win the attention of someone like Allegra Cole. It’s daunting, isn’t it?
However, even if you feel like you’re walking on a tightrope when thinking about how to start a conversation with a girl, there are tips you can use to make sure you don’t topple over. And while you may not have a dating coach like Alex Hitchens to guide you, you can still master the art of the approach.
Here’s how to not be socially awkward and make a lasting first impression:
1. Be memorable
“How do you want people to feel before, during, and after interacting with you?” That’s the question Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioral scientist and trainer of Mindvalley’s Magnetic Charisma program, poses.
According to her, most of our opening lines are negative, even if it’s by accident. These are the “Ugh, traffic was terrible” or “This weather is unbearable!” or “It’s been ‘a day’” conversations.
“When you say those words, it actually makes people feel more stressed, busy, terrible, bad,” she explains.
What you can do: Do something surprising. It can be something small, but make it unexpected.
For example, instead of asking them if they’d like to go grab some coffee, invite them out to get a taco instead. Or a waffle. Or a lemonade.
The point is, it’s something unexpected, which then makes it memorable.
2. Indulge in conscious conversations
Now, shallow chitchat isn’t the aim of striking up conversations with a girl. It’s crafting a list of things to talk about and speaking them from the heart, or what Neelam Verma, the founder of Integrity Dating, calls “conscious communication.”
“It’s heart-centered communication that’s expressed with kindness and clarity,” she explains in her Mindvalley program, Finding Love With Integrity Dating. “It requires you to be intentional, vulnerable, and respectful so you can create a safe space to connect.”
What you can do: This interpersonal communication requires you to share your own dreams, desires, and thoughts first. And then ask questions about them. It’s like saying, “Hey, here’s a piece of my world. What about you?”
“When you dive right in, you ask the most important questions first, and you not only honor your time and energy but also your dates,” says Neelam. And that can be a dating game-changer because you’re aligning your paths right from the get-go.
3. Flash your palms
Want to seem more trustworthy in seconds? Show your hands.
Vanessa explains that this simple body language gesture—like a wave or an open-handed gesture—signals openness and honesty. And our brains are wired to love it. Why? Because “it shows they’re not concealing anything.”
Research, too, shows that people are more likely to trust you when they see your hands. If you walk up to someone with your arms crossed or hands hidden, they may read you as closed-off or unsure. But flash your palms within the first three seconds? You instantly appear more friendly, confident, and approachable.
What you can do: When you greet someone, wave with an open hand or gesture as you say hello. If you’re on a video call, lift your hand slightly when you start speaking. Keep your hands visible when chatting, like on the table, not buried in pockets or crossed.
How to start a conversation with a guy
Men aren’t the only ones who panic when it comes to conversation starters. Women, too, find it daunting.
Take the shy Casey Sedgewick from Hitch, for instance. (That’s the coworker and best friend of Sara Melas.) You get the feeling that she often finds herself in situations where she wants to strike up a conversation with an intriguing guy, but her effective communication skills aren’t quite up to par.
But whether you’re a Casey, Sara, or Allegra, you can overcome those initial jitters with these tips on how to start a conversation with a guy.
1. Master your tone
“Your communication is everything,” says Vanessa. Well, that’s obvious, but did you know that it’s not just the words you’re using? It’s also about being mindful of “how you’re saying the words.”
Research even shows that your tone of voice has a huge impact on the person you’re talking to. For example, one study found that a friendly tone can enhance the listener’s impression of you.
What you can do: Start by becoming aware of your natural speaking patterns. And practice switching up your tone with different emotions.
It’s also important to seek feedback. Ask a friend how you sound before the big date. This can help you continually refine your communication skills to leave a positive impression on others.
2. Mirror with your body language
He laughs. You laugh.
He leans forward. You lean forward.
Here’s what’s happening: You’re sending subconscious signals that say, “Hey, we’re on the same wavelength.” And this is mirror body language at its finest.
What you can do: Next time you’re chatting with a guy, pay attention to his body language. Is he leaning in? Mimic that. Does he use his hands a lot? Go ahead; do some expressive hand-talking. Is he chill and relaxed? Well, you get the idea: stay cool, too.
The rule of thumb to remember: don’t be too obvious about it. Wait a few seconds before you mirror his moves. You want it to feel natural, not like a synchronized dance routine.
And remember: mirror positive vibes only. Skip the negative stuff.
3. Listen with an open heart
Distractions and quick judgments pull us in every direction. But using your active listening skills is what transforms fleeting chats into unforgettable connections.
Brené Brown, the researcher-storyteller who’s spent decades studying shame, vulnerability, and the sense of belonging, explains it in this way:
“Connection is why we’re here,” she says in her popular TED Talk that has more than 20 million views to date. “It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”
When you truly listen without agendas or defenses, you invite someone into that purpose. You become the kind of person who doesn’t just hear but sees, feels, and gets people.
What you can do: When you let go of the urge to impress and just be with someone, magic happens. Ask. Pause. Let silence do its work.
Real bonds, after all, live in those moments between the words.
How to start a conversation over text
Conversations have gone digital. Emojis, acronyms, memes, and such are part of everyone’s everyday lexicon. So learning how to start a conversation over text should absolutely be highlighted.
1. Be authentic and vulnerable
You may have heard this before, but it’s still important to highlight: authenticity and vulnerability are keys to relationship building. Even when it’s done digitally, when you’re not face-to-face with the other person, these two can help set a positive tone and make the interaction more meaningful.
“I have noticed that, sure, I can always be on and I can be telling people ideas, etc.,” says Keith Ferrazzi, the bestselling author of Never Eat Alone, in his Master Authentic Networking program on Mindvalley.
“But every once in a while, if I just step back and I tell people how I’m feeling, if I tell people what a thought I had today… that could be very well received by the people that are following you, so be authentic and be vulnerable.”
What you can do: When starting a conversation over text, consider sharing your thoughts, feelings, or experiences genuinely. This can create a more personal and engaging conversation from the outset.
2. Create genuine connections
Chances are, you’ve heard the phrase, “Sliding into the DMs.” While it’s mainly used for flirting or dating purposes, it can also be used for things like businesses.
“DM is actually more intimate, in my opinion, than even emails,” says Gerard Adams, The Millennial Mentor™, in his The Science of Personal Branding program on Mindvalley. “And so just know that it’s an awesome opportunity, and it’s free. It’s a free way for you to connect with people.”
So when you initiate a conversation with someone over text, focus on serving and building a genuine connection rather than immediately trying to sell or promote something.
What you can do: Begin with an authentic and friendly message, perhaps acknowledging something positive about them or offering value relevant to their interests.
As the conversation progresses, show interest in their goals, challenges, and desires. Be curious and ask questions.
3. Be a kindness warrior
Who doesn’t love a sprinkle of kindness, right? This simple gesture can have a big impact. It’s like the secret sauce to make your text conversations go from meh to amazing.
Research even shows that doing a generous thing for someone not only gives the receiver a burst of happiness; it gives the giver some as well.
So set the mood right from the beginning. It instantly creates a friendly and inviting atmosphere, making the other person more eager to respond and engage in the conversation.
What you can do: Look for opportunities for kindness, no matter how small or big.
“Start every email with something positive,” Vanessa suggests. “Go on LinkedIn and highlight people’s great work. Send check-in texts. Write recommendations on LinkedIn or Facebook. Write something nice on your best friend’s social media.”
How to start a conversation with a stranger
The word “stranger” often carries a cloud of mystery. But every friend was once one, right?
The art of engaging with someone new lies in finding the balance between curiosity and respect. Here’s how to start a conversation with a stranger.
1. Speak with clarity
Before initiating any conversation, take a moment to clarify in your mind what you hope to achieve with the interaction.
“You have to first understand, from the very beginning, what do you want to achieve?” says Lisa Nichols, the founder of Motivating the Masses and trainer of Mindvalley’s Speak and Inspire program. “You want to get clear on the results you want to create.”
Even if it’s a simple conversation or a deeper one, approach it with the intention to inspire, uplift, or convey your message rather than merely seeking to impress or convince.
Remember, authenticity, transparency, and conviction in your words are contagious. It can help you connect more deeply with others, especially with a stranger.
What you can do: Consider not just your own objectives, but also what positive outcomes or feelings you want the other person to experience. Starting with the end in mind helps you speak with a purpose and create a meaningful bond.
2. Connect with generosity
One direct path to go from stranger to friend? Generosity.
“Don’t expect that people will instantly just lay out generosity to you until you have led with generosity,” says Keith in his Master Authentic Networking program. So offering a hand or some friendly help right off the bat is like opening the door to connectionville.
This act of kindness certainly fosters a positive impression. But the thing is, people dig it when you’re nice. What’s more, it’s like an unspoken deal—you scratch their back, and they’re likely to scratch yours.
What you can do: “Your job is to lead with generosity,” Keith advises. “Lay out a platter for people, but don’t be the kind of person that says, ‘Oh, by the way, if I give you this, I want this back.’ That’s a transaction; that’s not a relationship. You will lose if you lead in that way.”
So, remember, when you’re diving into a chat with a new buddy, toss out a little generosity and watch the magic happen.
3. Use warm and positive words
Whether you’re just looking for a chat, for networking, or what have you, positive language is your secret weapon. It sets the tone for a positive interaction.
“The kinds of words you use for others are gifts,” Vanessa points out. “When you use positive raves, charismatic words, warm words, competent words, those are gifts to help others be their best and most charismatic self.”
What you can do: Instead of drowning in the sea of complaints, ride the wave of possibilities by turning problems into exciting challenges. Be the maestro of compliments, highlighting your strengths and the awesomeness in others.
And remember, keep the vibe sunny and cheerful. Sprinkle your talks with words that feel like a warm hug on a chilly day.
Avoid these common mistakes
Starting a conversation is hard. Keeping it alive? Even harder. And unfortunately, many of us sabotage things before the small talk even has a chance to warm up.
Just ask Albert Brennaman. One wrong move and you’re one mustard-stained dance move away from Hitch staging an intervention.
So if the idea of saying “hi” makes your palms sweat, there are about 7% of U.S. adults who experience social anxiety every year, too, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. It’s no wonder we sometimes default to awkward mode.
That hesitation is real, but it doesn’t have to run the show. Here’s how to avoid pulling an Albert:
- Starting with a complaint
- Trying to sound too professional
- Treating people like LinkedIn connections
- Overtalking
- Skipping names
- Mass text messaging
- Thinking you’re not worth their time
If any of those feel familiar, the good news is, you can unlearn them.
As Brené discovered in her research, the biggest difference between people who build strong connections and those who don’t? The first group believes they’re worthy of it.
That belief changes everything.
9 real examples & conversation scripts
Forget the icebreakers that sound like a personality test. These real-life situations and openers can help make it easier to start talking, whether you’re chatting IRL or DM-sliding like a pro.
Starting a convo with a girl:
- You’re waiting in line at a coffee shop. “This place always this packed, or is it caffeine rush hour?”
- She’s walking her dog in the park. “Mind if I ask your dog’s name? I feel like we’ve locked eyes.”
- She’s looking a little lost at an event. “First time here? I’m pretending I know what I’m doing, too.”
Starting a convo with a guy:
- You’re in the same gym class or workout spot. “I swear this playlist was made to destroy us. You surviving it?”
- You’re both waiting for mutual friends at a party. “I don’t know half the people here. You part of the inner circle?”
- You pass him by the snacks table at a house party. “Alright, honest opinion: are these chips worth going back for?”
Starting a convo over text:
- You matched on a dating app and want to start light. “Hey! I liked your bio. Especially the part about hating bios.”
- They posted a new pic or story. “Okay, I need the backstory on that last post. Looked too fun.”
- You’re picking up a convo after a short pause. “So, what’s the most unexpected thing that happened this week?”
Frequently asked questions
How do I start a convo with a shy guy?
Shy doesn’t necessarily mean uninterested. It could mean overwhelmed by intensity. So keep it low-pressure.
Ask something light, like, “What kind of music are you into lately?” And don’t rush the silence. Sometimes, space is the invitation.
Is texting better than calling?
Depends on the vibe. Texting gives you time to think. Calling gives you tone, energy, and connection.
But a 2024 YouGov survey found that 40% of people across 17 countries prefer texting to stay in touch with loved ones, while only 29% favor mobile calls. Younger folks lean hard into texts. Older generations still like hearing your voice.
But if you’re unsure about calling, start with a text and see how it lands. If it flows, level up with a call.
Should I always compliment first?
Only if you mean it. A good compliment is specific and honest. It shows you’re paying attention and gives them something real to respond to.
Start with genuine curiosity instead. “That’s a cool watch; what’s the story?” works way better than “Nice watch” followed by an awkward “Thaaanks” and crickets.
More resources to master starting conversations
If you want to keep sharpening your skills, here are a few handpicked resources that go beyond small talk and into real relationship building.
Podcasts
- The Mindvalley Podcast. Experts on human connection hacks, charisma, and emotional intelligence.
- The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Inspiring convos with high performers. Great for learning how to ask the right questions.
- Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard. Casual interviews that show how real rapport happens through humor and curiosity.
Programs
- Magnetic Charisma with Vanessa Van Edwards. This Mindvalley program is a step-by-step guide to decoding body language, mastering your presence, and becoming the kind of person people naturally gravitate toward.
- Mastering Authentic Networking with Keith Ferrazzi. If you’re looking for practical ways to deepen your professional relationships, this Mindvalley program shows you how to lead with generosity, build trust fast, and grow a network that supports your goals.
- Body Language for Dating & Attraction by Linda Clemons. This transformative (and surprisingly hilarious) course teaches you how to read and use body language to create instant chemistry, build confidence, and attract real connections before you even say a word.
Books
- Small Talk Big Impact by Ava Priestley. A go-to guide for anyone who freezes up in social settings. This book breaks down small talk into simple, practical moves that make you feel confident (and actually enjoy) meeting new people.
- Using Active Listening to Improve Your Communication Skills by Nikolas Mendez. Written by a seasoned crisis negotiator, this one dives into the real power of listening with techniques to navigate conflict, build trust, and make every conversation count.
- The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher. From the viral communication expert, this bestseller arms you with real-life phrases and strategies to argue less, connect more, and handle any conversation with calm confidence.
Great conversations start with you
Every meaningful relationship starts with one brave, sometimes awkward, always human moment. A glance. A “hi.” A question that makes someone pause before they answer.
These aren’t just small talk skills. They’re the foundation of bonds that last, whether romantic, platonic, or professional. And the more intentional you are, the easier it becomes to spark something real.
So if you’ve ever wished for a cheat sheet, now you have one.
Download Mindvalley’s free conversation starters, aptly named “The Connection Kit,” and keep the spark alive.
Use the cards as your secret weapon in one-on-one convos or group hangouts. Go deep, stay curious, and don’t be afraid to bring your own flavor to the questions.
Because the best conversations don’t come from perfect scripts.
They come from people who show up. Honest, present, and just a little bit bold.
Welcome in.
