Let’s say your child refuses to wear a coat even though the weather is colder than Cinderella’s stepmother’s heart. Or your teen constantly forgets to charge their phone. Or your newly working adult child blows through their first paycheck.
What would you do?
Sure, many of us would likely have the reaction of a boiling kettle. But what if we leaned into FAFO parenting? We let them… well, you know, “f*ck around and find out.”
The thing is, sometimes the most effective teachers are a wind chill, a tow truck’s flashing lights, and an empty wallet. And sometimes, the best lessons are the ones they learn when we’re not there to soften the landing.
What is FAFO parenting?
The “FAFO parenting” meaning is simple: let experience be the teacher. This approach allows children to learn through firsthand consequences rather than constant warnings or parental intervention. And like many modern parenting terms, it found viral fame in an unlikely place—TikTok.
The platform is never short on acronyms, and FAFO (short for “f*ck around and find out”) is its latest. In 2022, TikTok creator Janelle (@hey.im.janelle) put a parenting spin on it, describing it as a subgenre of authoritative parenting. And it took off because, well, sometimes the best lesson is life handing you a reality check.
This method aligns with “the principles of natural consequences,” according to Ny’L Thompson, LCSW-C, M.S., a therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org. Kids who touch a hot stove once, for instance, rarely do it again. But the key distinction, she adds, lies in tone and intent.
When children see failure as a natural part of life—both in themselves and their parents—they “develop a gritty attitude toward failure,” according to Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a clinical psychologist and trainer of Mindvalley’s Conscious Parenting Mastery program. “They don’t get scared of failure,” she says. “They embrace failure as an inevitable part of success.”
Unlike the more traditional Baumrind parenting styles, where constant warnings are always at the ready, FAFO parenting lets children test limits within reason. A toddler throws a toy? That toy disappears for the day. A teen ignores curfew? Their weekend plans take a sudden detour.
“Without these elements, FAFO runs the risk of fostering feelings of abandonment rather than resilience,” says Ny’L. “The effectiveness of this approach depends on whether the child is given the space to process their experiences in a way that fosters growth, rather than simply being left to ‘figure it out’ alone.”
When it works and when it fails
Some lessons in life come easy. But others arrive wrapped in regret, bad decisions, and the unmistakable sting of “well, that didn’t go as planned.”
And while experience is a powerful teacher, it doesn’t always guarantee the right lesson. So, when does this approach build resilience, and when does it backfire?
Here’s a look at when it works and when it fails.
When it works
“When applied thoughtfully, FAFO parenting can be a powerful tool for building responsibility and resilience,” says Ny’L.
Research shows that natural consequences, when paired with positive reinforcement, can significantly reduce disruptive behavior in children. So, if your kid sees a direct link between their actions and outcomes, they’re more likely to make better choices next time.
Ny’L explains that FAFO parenting works best when the stakes are low and the lesson is meaningful. For instance, if your child refuses a coat in the cold? One shivering walk to school, and they’re suddenly a believer in layers. Or your teen forgets to charge their phone and misses out on plans? That charger will be their new best friend.
“These lessons work because the natural consequences are minor, allowing the child to connect cause and effect without experiencing overwhelming distress,” Ny’L adds. “In these cases, the discomfort is temporary, but the learning is lasting.”
When it fails
Not every lesson can be learned the hard way. Like letting your child run into the street to “find out” about traffic is downright reckless (and, not to mention, neglectful parenting). The FAFO approach only works when the consequences are safe, manageable, and age-appropriate.
Even when the stakes are low, it can backfire if there’s no follow-up. Research shows that the use of consequences is most effective when paired with discussion and reflection. If a child doesn’t understand the connection between their actions and the outcome, the experience becomes just another event rather than a learning moment. Or worse, it can do more harm than good.
“If a child begins to exhibit excessive anxiety, avoids taking risks, or becomes withdrawn, FAFO may be too harsh,” Ny’L explains. Some children may detach emotionally, avoiding help out of the fear of rejection, while others become defiant, resisting authority due to a lack of trust in parental support.
Another red flag? When a child internalizes mistakes as a reflection of their worth and self-esteem rather than an opportunity for growth.
“If FAFO is leading to shame, self-doubt, or a pattern of helplessness rather than problem solving, it may need to be adjusted,” Ny’L adds.
Research shows that parenting choices influence a child’s decision-making, emotional regulation, and relationships well into adulthood. So, if using FAFO results in fear, detachment, or defiance early on, those patterns may persist long after the lesson is over.
At its worst, this approach can make a child feel abandoned rather than empowered. The key is making sure consequences teach lessons that strengthen resilience and reinforce a child’s sense of capability.
5 main misconceptions about FAFO parenting
The FAFO parenting style has sparked plenty of debate, and with that comes a fair share of misconceptions. Some see it as a foolproof method for raising independent kids, while others mistake it for hands-off neglect. But many of these ideas miss the mark.
Here’s what people often get wrong about this technique.
- It always promotes independence. Some kids thrive with experiential learning, according to Ny’L. But others, she adds, especially children with anxiety, ADHD, or trauma histories, may struggle without additional support.
- It requires parents to withdraw completely. Allowing natural consequences doesn’t mean leaving kids to figure everything out alone. Discussion and reflection help children process mistakes in a way that strengthens growth.
- It’s just tough love. This way of parenting isn’t about being harsh or indifferent. The goal is to teach, not to punish.
- It replaces the need for discipline. While FAFO teaches valuable lessons, children still need parental guidance and structure to develop self-discipline.
- It guarantees resilience. This style can build strength when done right. But without guidance, kids may check out emotionally or become so self-reliant they fear asking for help.
When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a ‘mini me,’ but a spirit throbbing with its own signature.
— Dr. Shefali Tsabary, trainer of Mindvalley’s Conscious Parenting Mastery program
FAFO isn’t some magic formula to raise confident kids—or success, for that matter. It works when you know when to step back and when to step in. As Dr. Shefali puts it, “Once you accept your children’s basic nature, you can contour your style to meet their temperament.”
How to use FAFO parenting mindfully
FAFO parenting isn’t about letting kids figure everything out alone. Like Janelle from TikTok, you can use it in a way that teaches lessons without creating chaos. But it takes parenting skills to strike that balance.
When applied thoughtfully, FAFO parenting can be a powerful tool for building responsibility and resilience.
— Ny’L Thompson, LCSW-C, M.S., a therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org
Dr. Shefali points out that, as a parent, it’s really important that “realize you aren’t raising a ‘mini me,’ but a spirit throbbing with its own signature.” And when you’re conscious of the way you use FAFO, your parenting helps your kids grow with confidence and trust.
Here’s how to use this approach with intention and balance.
1. Stay emotionally attuned
Here’s the thing: FAFO requires awareness, presence, and emotional connection. Not from your child. But from you, the parent.
“Every child receives and experiences love in a very different way,” says Dr. Shefali. But if your way of showing it doesn’t land as loving to your children, then what good is that love?
When they f*ck around, kids need to feel seen, understood, and emotionally safe, even when they’re facing the consequences. So, instead of saying, “Well, that’s what happens,” you might want to try the conscious parenting way: “That was tough. What do you think you could do differently next time?”
Ny’L explains that “the goal isn’t to make children suffer for their mistakes but to help them develop the cognitive and emotional skills to make better choices in the future.” And when you are present—not reactive or dismissive—to your child’s circumstances, they’re likely to walk away from challenges with growth, not resentment.
2. Set expectations ahead of time
Parents often believe they’re setting rules for a child’s benefit, but many boundaries are based on control rather than connection. When expectations feel like demands, kids instinctively push back—not because they’re defiant but because they feel pressured.
FAFO parenting works best when expectations are clear but not rigid. Instead of forcing compliance, parents should guide children through awareness. When a child understands the stakes, they can make better-informed choices.
Take bedtime, for example. A rigid expectation sounds like, “Go to bed now because I said so.” But an expectation based on awareness sounds like, “Your body needs rest so you don’t feel exhausted tomorrow. You can stay up, but you might struggle in the morning.”
One demands obedience, and the other? Teaches responsibility.
“Parents can do this by setting clear expectations ahead of time and ensuring that consequences are appropriate for the child’s developmental stage,” says Ny’L.
When kids know what to expect, they have the chance to make decisions with confidence.
3. Follow up with reflection
Parents assume their child is embarrassed after a mistake, frustrated about a consequence, or feeling guilty for messing up. But according to Dr. Shefali, that’s often just projection.
When your child faces a consequence, the real lesson comes from how they interpret it, not from how you react. If you immediately jump in with, “See? That’s why you should’ve listened to me,” your child learns more about your frustration than their own experience.
Instead, Dr. Shefali emphasizes the power of the pause. Before responding, take the mindful parenting approach by stepping back and observing:
- Am I frustrated because of what happened or because I expected something different?
- Is my child actually upset, or am I assuming they are?
- What’s the best way to help them process this experience on their own?
What’s more, rather than filling in the blanks for your child, ask open-ended questions that encourage reflection. Instead of saying, “You made a bad choice,” try, “What do you think happened there?” and see where it goes.
4. Know when FAFO isn’t the right tool
Not every challenge should be met with “figure it out.” Some situations require guidance, not just consequences.
When kids have the capacity to problem-solve, the FAFO approach can be incredibly helpful. But if they’re struggling with something beyond their control, leaving them to “find out” can do more harm than good.
For instance, a child who forgets their lunch one day will learn to pack it next time. A child who’s failing math won’t magically “learn the hard way” without extra support.
Ny’L warns that certain kids need a different approach. “If a child is struggling in a way that requires guidance, such as difficulties in school, emotional regulation issues, or social challenges,” she says. “Leaving them to ‘find out’ may not lead to growth but rather feelings of helplessness.”
Research shows that kids who struggle with emotions or behavior often have a harder time with social competence and emotional regulation. That’s why parental support makes a huge difference—without it, anxiety and behavioral issues can get worse.
This is especially true for children with ADHD, anxiety, trauma histories, or mental health challenges. Some kids aren’t being defiant—they just learn differently. A tough lesson won’t rewire their brain chemistry. So, they need structured support, not just natural consequences.
5. Use consequences with empathy, not detachment
How consequences are delivered matters just as much as the lesson itself. If a child feels rejected instead of supported, they internalize shame rather than learn from their choices.
“All true connection emerges from one place only: our connection to ourselves,” Dr. Shefali points out. That means if you enforce consequences with coldness or frustration, your kid will pick up on the disconnection, not just the lesson.
Empathy in discipline keeps the focus on growth. Instead of shutting down emotionally when enforcing a rule, the idea is to stay present and engaged.
For example, if your teen loses phone privileges for breaking curfew, a detached approach sounds like, “You broke the rule, so that’s it.” A connected approach sounds like, “You stayed out past curfew. Let’s talk about what happened and why this consequence makes sense.”
The thing is, your child doesn’t need harsher consequences. They need you to hold the line without letting go of the relationship.
Love deeper, connect stronger
FAFO parenting may teach through experience, but conscious parenting takes it further. It turns those experiences into emotional growth.
Dr. Shefali’s approach offers a radically different path. Oprah calls it “revolutionary” for a reason—it shifts parenting from control to connection, from stress to self-awareness.
For Malak Bayaa, a mother of three, this shift was life-changing. Struggling with postpartum depression and parenting stress, she felt trapped in frustration and guilt. The course helped her heal her inner child, shift from anger to awareness, and create a more peaceful home. “I have learned to be more compassionate with my parents, more compassionate with my husband and children, but ultimately more compassionate with myself,” she shares.
If you, too, have ever felt stuck in outdated parenting patterns, the Conscious Parenting Mastery free class is your wake-up call. Dr. Shefali breaks down why traditional discipline fails and how this style of parenting builds resilience, trust, and emotional intelligence.
Your kids don’t need a flawless parent. They need one who’s fully there. And the best part? When you elevate your parenting, you elevate yourself.
Welcome in.
