Anyone and everyone in a long-term relationship knows that at some point, you’ll find yourself having an argument that makes no sense. Like, full-on “parallel universe” nonsense.
“Why don’t we ever talk anymore?” you’ll cry through angry tears. And your partner—baffled, innocent, holding the TV remote like a hostage—will reply, “We talked last week. About the dishwasher.”
Ah yes. The dishwasher. Modern poetry for the American household. But this isn’t really about whose turn it is to load dirty dishes, is it?
This is about something bigger. Something deeper. It’s about how, somewhere between Netflix and the laundry, emotional intimacy went quietly missing. And you’re left wondering—how the hell do you get it back?
What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is the soft underbelly of your relationship with your partner. It’s that deep connection where you feel safe enough to admit, out loud, that you cry during 10 Things I Hate About You or that you can’t parallel park to save your life. It’s the closeness that lets you be your weird, unfiltered self without fear of judgment or rejection.
Dr. Virginia Marie Love (better known as Dr. Gin), an intuitive psychotherapist and relationship and trauma specialist, describes such emotional connection as “soul ties,” explaining, “To open oneself up to the depth required to achieve this level requires a dedication by two to become, in essence of the heart, one.”
She notes that while emotional intimacy can be cultivated, there are rare moments when two people connect as if “their hearts are effortlessly magnets being drawn to one another.”
Research backs this up: couples with strong emotional intimacy report greater happiness and stability, even when life goes sideways (yes, even after they loaded the dishwasher all wrong—again).
Our feelings set our body’s vibration, and our vibration is what manifests our reality.
— Dr. Laura Berman, trainer of Mindvalley’s Quantum Love: The Blueprint for Extraordinary Relationships Quest
The “emotional intimacy” definition goes deeper than just shared secrets; it’s about the energy you bring to your relationship. Dr. Laura Berman, a leading relationship therapist, explains in her Quantum Love: The Blueprint for Extraordinary Relationships Quest on Mindvalley: “Our feelings set our body’s vibration, and our vibration is what manifests our reality.”
And when you’re tuned into your partner—and feel truly open, present, and aligned—that’s when emotional intimacy comes alive. And it’s what keeps relationships from falling apart even when the dishwasher does.
Examples of emotional intimacy
It’s easy to think that emotional intimacy is about grand gestures or whispers of sweet nothings. But true intimacy often shows up in the little things—the unpolished, everyday moments that seem small but hold everything together.
In real-time, it tends to look like this:
- Sharing vulnerable truths
- Being fully present
- Unspoken communication
- Comfort in difficult moments
- Inside jokes and shared humor
- Emotional check-ins
- Support for each other’s growth
- Growing and healing together
- Recognizing your partner’s needs
- Sharing dreams and fears
- Creating rituals together
- Practicing forgiveness
- Celebrating individuality
- Physical comfort
- Reliving memories
- Honoring each other’s love languages
As Dr. Gin notes, love can exist without intimacy, but intimacy is the spark that makes love feel alive. And it fills relationships with passion and purpose.
These moments don’t require romantic perfection or endless free time. They’re about showing up for each other, again and again, in the small but meaningful ways that build a heartfelt connection.
What does a lack of emotional intimacy look like?
When there’s a lack of emotional intimacy, it can feel like a distance that words can’t quite bridge. It’s marked by a sense of disconnection—when you sense that your partner no longer understands or connects with your inner world.
According to Dr. Gin, this lack can manifest in several ways, such as:
- Surface-level communication
- Feeling unseen or unheard
- Loss of laughter and joy
- Stagnation in emotional growth
- Dissatisfying or diminished physical intimacy
- Increased conflict or resentment
- Weaponized incompetence
- Betrayal trauma
The lack of emotional intimacy doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed to become a series of awkward silences and arguments over how to load the dishwasher.
Spotting the cracks is the first step—because once you see them, you can start patching them up with trust, laughter, and the kind of passion that made you fall for each other in the first place.
How to build emotional intimacy in 5 expert-backed tips
Every intimate relationship thrives when emotional intimacy is at its core. But the reality is, it doesn’t always come naturally. Sometimes life gets in the way, and the connection feels as frustrating as opening the dishwasher only to realize someone forgot to turn it on.
The good news? Intimacy isn’t something you either have or don’t. On the contrary, it’s something you can build with intention, one thoughtful step at a time. Here’s how.
1. Recognize your triggers
Every great relationship starts with “know thyself.” Because whenever you find yourself frustrated or judgmental toward your partner, it’s likely that you’ve got some of your own issues to resolve.
“Literally anything that triggers you, anything that pisses you off or makes you frustrated or that you judge, I guarantee you, is connected and triggering something you judge or dislike in yourself,” explains Dr. Berman.
Save yourself the hair-pulling exasperation and look within, she advises. And ask yourself:
What’s going on here?
What’s this little reaction of mine telling me about me?
Recognizing these triggers can lead to deeper self-awareness. As energy healer Despina Charavgi, who’s gone through Dr. Berman’s Quest, shares, the more she tuned into her triggers, the more she was able to clear old emotional blocks and open her heart to higher frequencies and greater empathy for her partner.
So the next time you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t believe they just did that,” pause for a second and remember Dr. Berman’s saying: “You spot it, you got it.”
2. Hold your own energetic frequency
Let’s understand that each and every one of us is a walking, talking, vibrating beacon of energy. Like a human tuning fork.
When you hold your own energetic frequency and match it to the feelings and sensations you most want to experience, that’s when you become a powerful magnet for people, for situations and experiences that match your deepest desires.
— Dr. Laura Berman, trainer of Mindvalley’s Quantum Love: The Blueprint for Extraordinary Relationships Quest
So holding your own energetic frequency simply means controlling your energy—emotionally, mentally, and physically—rather than being unconsciously influenced by others. And the idea, as Dr. Berman suggests, is to become the one who sets the tone.
“When you hold your own energetic frequency and match it to the feelings and sensations you most want to experience, that’s when you become a powerful magnet for people, for situations and experiences that match your deepest desires,” she explains.
The key is to consciously choose your emotional state before entering or even assessing any situation. Whether you’re about to walk into a room or have a difficult conversation, take a moment first to set your intention and step into the frequency you want to embody.
3. Create space for vulnerability
Vulnerability is often seen as a synonym for weakness or exposure. But in reality, it is, as researcher Brené Brown says, “the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.”
Her research reveals that vulnerability is essential for deep emotional connection. But how do you embrace it in your relationship?
In their Mindvalley Quest, The Energies of Love, Donna Eden and her husband, David Feinstein, suggest that it begins with understanding the defenses you’ve built over time, like self-reliance or emotional withdrawal. And then, gently working to lower them.
In the Quest, they present a two-part approach:
- Reflect on what’s holding you back. It could be fear of rejection, discomfort with expressing your needs, or even childhood habits that taught you to self-soothe instead of seeking connection.
- Use emotional freedom technique (EFT) tapping to reframe these fears. This approach, plus repeating affirmations like “Even though love makes me feel exposed, I embrace my vulnerability,” can help shift your mindset and soothe your nervous system.
As David explains, the deeper you go, the more vulnerable your emotional connection becomes. He adds, “Ironically, the more vulnerable it gets, the better it gets because you are dropping your old defenses and allowing something new and wonderful to flourish.”
4. Say yes first, create desire later
Most of us assume intimacy begins with desire—but Donna suggests turning that idea on its head. Drawing on insights from Alison Armstrong, she encourages couples to “say yes first” and then let the desire follow. Waiting until you’re in the mood? That’s often how long-term relationships grow distant.
Donna shares how she and her husband David actively commit to their intimacy, even when their busy schedules and everyday distractions pull them in different directions.
Their key practice to do this involves two steps:
- Acknowledging what was holding them back in the moment, like unfinished Halloween costumes or pressing work deadlines.
- Then, clear those distractions together with simple energy techniques like the “Blow Out, Zip Up, and Hook Up” to “blow out” distractions, “zip up” to reinforce their energy field, and “hook up” to align and ground their energies.
This approach is less about forcing anything and more about prioritizing your connection and creating an atmosphere where intimacy can naturally flourish. By saying yes first, you set the stage for desire to naturally grow, turning even the most ordinary evening into an opportunity to reconnect.
5. Practice rituals to deepen connection
Rituals aren’t just for weddings or annual viewings of 10 Things I Hate About You. They’re daily moments that remind you to pause, connect, and continuously create shared meaning. Whether it’s couples meditation or a 10-second kiss before bed, gestures act as anchors for your relationship.
Donna shares that she and David crafted a morning ritual that includes energy balancing and gratitude.
Each day, they take a moment to focus on the love flowing between them, sharing affirmations like, “I appreciate how you handled yesterday’s chaos with grace.” Donna says this practice doesn’t just prepare them for the day; it strengthens their bond over time.
Start with something simple, like gazing into each other’s eyes for one minute or sharing one thing you’re grateful for before your first sip of coffee. Rituals don’t have to be grand; they just have to be intentional.
Love deeper, connect stronger
As you start tuning into your own energetic frequency and spotting those buggy little triggers that go beyond conversations about the dishwasher, the next step to overcoming it is simple: prioritize the world of growth.
Sign up for a free Mindvalley account and you’ll open the door to relationship quests that let you explore this journey at your own pace.
You’ll find previews of quests like Quantum Love: The Blueprint for Extraordinary Relationships with Dr. Laura Berman or The Energies of Love with Donna Eden and David Feinstein, each offering fresh perspectives and tools to shift your emotional connection.
And it doesn’t stop there. Experts like Katherine Woodward Thomas, Layla Martin, Psalm Isadora, and more have plenty to offer. Plus, with daily meditations designed to help you navigate emotional shifts, you’ll have the support you need to keep growing in love.
Everything you need to deepen your connection is waiting. Just click to begin.
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