Esther Perel On How To Find The Sweet Spot Between Love And Desire

Reconciling Desire And Intimacy In Long-Term Relationships

Why do so many couples experience a dip in desire?

It can be baffling and disheartening when you exit the honeymoon period and no longer experience heart-racing enthusiasm. Friendship often replaces sexual fulfillment, and the demands of living together, marriage, and children take a toll, even as you still deeply love and respect one another.

But is this inevitable? Or is there a way to keep — or revive — the spark?

According to Esther Perel, a bestselling author and relationships expert who travels the world to research couples and sexuality, we all have two fundamental and opposing needs: the need for the security of love and the need for the adventure of desire. We’re not only looking to fulfill our need for love and dependability; we’re looking for relationships that help us find individual fulfillment and independence.

So how do we find love and desire in the same relationships? Esther answers this question in her Mindvalley A-Fest Ibiza 2017 talk.

The Best Highlights

  • (6:57) — Esther Perel explains why modern love is so complicated with a brief history of how the intimate relationship has evolved throughout the ages;
  • (16:53) — Two revealing answers on when you’re most attractive to your partner that stay the same across culture, religion, and gender;
  • (24:08) — The most common mistakes couples make that squanders desire in relationships — and how to rekindle the flames;
  • (32:22) — How to resolve the 3 challenges every couple has to face in order to have a successful and long relationship.

Watch the video to learn more about the paradoxical demands of love, and why we fight with the ones we love most.



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