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Esther Perel On How To Find The Sweet Spot Between Love And Desire

by Mindvalley January 15, 2018

Why do so many couples experience a dip in desire?

It can be baffling and disheartening when you exit the honeymoon period and no longer experience heart-racing enthusiasm. Friendship often replaces sexual fulfillment, and the demands of living together, marriage, and children take a toll, even as you still deeply love and respect one another.

But is this inevitable? Or is there a way to keep — or revive — the spark?

According to Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and relationships expert who travels the world to research couples and sexuality, we all have two fundamental and opposing needs: the need for the security of love and the need for the adventure of desire. 

We’re not only looking to fulfill our need for love and dependability; we’re looking for relationships that help us find individual fulfillment and independence.

So how do we find love and desire in the same relationships? Esther answers this question in her Mindvalley A-Fest Ibiza 2017 talk.

Reconciling Desire And Intimacy In Long-Term Relationships 


Watch the video above where author Ester delves deep about the paradoxical demands of modern love, and why we fight with the ones we love most.

In this video, you’ll learn: 

  • Why modern love is so complicated with a brief history of how the intimate relationship has evolved throughout the ages. 
  • Two revealing answers on when you’re most attractive to your partner that stay the same across culture, religion, and gender. 
  • The most common mistakes couples make that squanders desire in relationships — and how to rekindle the flames
  • How to resolve the 3 challenges every couple has to face in order to have a successful and long relationship.

Who Is Esther Perel?


Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel are recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.

Based in New York City, Esther serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world.

Her celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 20 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence became a global phenomenon translated into 25 languages.

Her newest book is the New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin?

Three Ways You Can Keep Love And Desire Alive In Your Relationship


Love and desire doesn’t need to fade through the course of a relationship, you can always keep the spark alive by practicing these three things every day.

1. Express gratitude

Let your partner know how much you appreciate them by saying, “Thank you for being here for me through the good times and bad.” A common appreciation of each other reminds you that your love grows every day.

2.  Unplug rrom media devices

Let’s face it, social media is a distraction and chat rooms can lead to emotional infidelity. When couples spend less time on their phones and more time with each other, they are more likely to be more intimate.

3. Be adventerous

As a couple you need to be adventerous to keep the spark alive. Trying new things and creating new memories together makes life together pleasurable.

Vacations are big adventures. But you can always have mini-adventures by taking salsa lessons, attending a seminar, or taking an art class. You will surprise each other with your new skills and add passion to your sex life.


Gain Instant Clarity On What You Really Want In Life – And Have It All

There’s a reason that so many brilliantly talented, naturally creative, intelligent and capable people never reach their potential, and it is, quite simply, a lack of direction.

Even if you have a vague goal in mind, you still need a plan, a process to get you there.

You can have the most expensive, fastest car in the world, but if you set off without a clear idea of where you’re going, then the rusty old Beatle with a map and compass will beat you there every time.

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Where You will Learn:

Are you stuck on the hamster wheel of life, instead of rushing towards your fullest potential? Discover how to escape the 3 soul-crushing reasons most people unknowingly cheat themselves of their greatest lives.

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Experience the ‘Instant Clarity’ exercise: a powerful visualization exercise that guides you through your ideal day – and gives you instant clarity on who you really are, and what kind of life you really want to be living.

Step Into The New Year With A Crystal-Clear Vision For Your Ultimate Life

How do you keep the spark alive in your relationship? Tell us your special love rituals by posting a comment below!

by Mindvalley
Mindvalley is creating a global school that delivers transformational education for all ages. Powered by community. Fueled by fun. We are dedicated to ensuring that humans live happier, healthier, and more fulfilled lives by plugging in the gaps that conventional education failed to teach us. We do this by organising real-world events around the world and producing world-class quality programmes in several areas of transformation, including mind, body, and performance.

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