The Dark Side Of Validation
Who doesn’t like a pat on the back?
Since the day you were born, you learned that being a ‘good boy’ or ‘good girl’ worked in your favor. At first, you simply enjoyed the attention, reveled in the praise and rejoiced as you openly received more love (and candy?).
The real problem arose, however, when you became scared of being without it.
A lack of validation became a void to fill, an ache to behold, a consequence to fear.
That, my friend, is an addiction. And being addicted to something, anything, makes us lose ourselves and renders us very vulnerable to being manipulated. This way, every decision you made throughout the course of your life fast became driven toward fulfilling a singular desire: the desire to be validated.
So the real issue here, the most mammoth quandary of all, is that we’ve convinced ourselves that our self-worth is solely based on what other people think of us.
Signs Of Low Self-Esteem
You go on a date with someone who doesn’t text you back and you can’t stop wondering what you did wrong.
You get a dodgy performance review at work and you can’t stop feeling inadequate for days afterward as you itch to prove yourself.
Your sister gets engaged before you do and you’re afraid of getting left in the dust (what would mum and dad think?).
You back down in conflicts because you’re scared of being abandoned.
You refuse to put on your camera in your Zoom meeting because ‘you look like sh*t.’
They’re all tiny belief-based blows individually, but they eat away at your confidence over time.
And the reason they have such a huge effect is that you are desperately seeking approval for your survival. In the words of Mindvalley Founder Vishen Lakhiani…
…You’re totally f*ckwithable.
Are You F*ckwithable?
People who are f*ckwithable are people who inherently don’t feel whole. They’re people who place their self-worth in the hands of others and only feel good enough when they are accepted, admired or praised.
If you suspect your own f*ckwithableness, don’t fret. We are all born as f*ckwithable people. As we explained earlier, you were trained to be this way. We exist in a social ecosystem with validation as the Holy Grail. It’s difficult to tear ourselves away from the natural craving for validation.
But if you really want to move into your power and be reunited with your true, badass self, you’ll have to unlearn what society worked very hard to instill within you.
Let’s do it.
How To Be Unf*ckwithable
Step 1: Revise Your Life Goals
There are a couple of basic components that go into being unf*ckwithable. The first is having self-fueled goals.
For example, if one of your biggest goals is to get that special someone to love you, you are setting yourself up for f*ckwithability. Your failure or success lies in their hands, not yours.
You can substitute that goal for, say, doing your utmost best to be the most loving, authentic, true version of yourself around them (and everyone, why not?). That way, whether they fall in love with you or not, you’re still hitting your goal.
Another common example would be the goal to get a particular job. Putting all of your eggs in that one company’s basket, once again, sets you up for f*ckwithability. Rejection is an inevitable part of life, but it doesn’t have to be your demise.
What if your goal was to become as skilled as possible in that particular field as you apply for posts in the same industry? Not only would you be more likely to get your preferred job in the first place, but you’d also shift the power from the hands of that one person who reads your resume, into your own.
Shifting your goals from ‘them’-based to a more empowered angle, (‘me-based’), is a small change, but it has big effects on your self-esteem and self-sufficiency.
Any love or acceptance you happen to get from it is simply a bonus.
Step 2: Realize You Are Enough
The second component of being unf*ckwithable is realizing that you are enough.
If you’re familiar with the work of our Mindvalley author and top hypnotherapist Marisa Peer, you’ll know that those three little, unassuming words pack the biggest punch.
The ‘I am enough’ movement has taken the world by storm, with millions of people writing the words on their mirrors in red lipstick, wearing bracelets and even getting tattoos to remind themselves of that golden wisdom. And it is pure gold. Why?
Because knowing you are enough no matter what frees you from the chains of validation and society’s desire to control your low-self-esteem-driven actions.
So you don’t just become enough once you finish a certain project at work or fall in love with the man or woman of your dreams.
You’re not only enough when your bank balance goes into six figures.
You’re not only enough when you lose six pounds.
You’re not only enough when you’re told you’re pretty.
You’re not only enough when you make your mum and dad proud.
Although it’s nice to achieve all this, knowing you’re enough right now makes you unf*ckwithable. By knowing you are enough, exactly as you are, with no need for changes, upgrades or tweaks…you set yourself free.
Step 3: Develop A Gratitude Practice
If you think about it, low self-esteem and f*ckwithability often stems from a lack mindset–that personal sense of ‘not enough-ness’ that we discussed in step 2.
So what better way to counter that than to remind yourself of all the blessings you already have in your life? Of all the things that you’ve done and are doing just right?
Taking a few minutes to reflect/journal about all of the good things, people, experiences, and personal qualities you already possess doesn’t just build strong feelings of self-worth, achievement and personal power. It also feels amazing!
According to The Positive Psychology Blog, when we practice gratitude our brain releases lashings of dopamine and serotonin, the two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for our happiness. Their effects can be felt immediately, boosting our mood no matter what mindset we’ve had prior to the gratitude practice itself.
So let your loved-ones know how much they mean to you. Reflect on all the people who have helped you in the past. Remember the places you’ve been, the crazy things you’ve experienced, the beauty of the tapestry that is your life. Thank yourself for the hard work you do, for the passion you pour into your projects, and for having the strength to be vulnerable and help yourself get unf*ckwithable.
Becoming Unf*ckwithable Is A Process
Becoming unf*ckwithable doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process that happens through a series of deliberate, conscious steps you take that move you away from self-doubt and towards self-confidence.
After all, the end goal of being unf*ckwithable is to move from having holes to being whole, and liberating your ego from the chopping block if something inevitably goes wrong in life. After some TLC, a little patience, and lots of practise, it will happen. You’ll wake up one day and realize how unf*ckwithable you are, and magical things will begin to manifest.
To help you get there, watch Founder of Mindvalley Kristina Lakhiani’s free Masterclass designed especially for those wanting to build greater self-love and self-acceptance.
In the 60 minute deep-dive, Kristina will equip you with all the tools you need to start your journey to truly loving yourself, and as a consequence, become a whole lot less f*ckwithable.